Lost

My bills are paid, ive been at my job almost 4 years, I can get most of what i want. Ive been promoted 3 times in 2 yrs on the job, I dont have drama. I mind my business and have few financial worries because im not rich but definitely not poor. Things i had to scrape up pennies for i can now get when needed, and i dont have to depend on anyone to do anything for me. And yet....

I battle depression. I cant cope with this loneliness. The security in having my own is no longer enough for me. My corporate job makes me feel stuck. I want to be wanted and needed but i push people away. I push people away to protect myself from hurt. I want to be my own boss, completely over punching a clock. Im gaining weight and something new is always wrong with my health. Ive lost my  closeness to God yet i feel God is near. I am miserable, cry all the time.... for reasons i dont know.

The clutter of these thoughts, good and bad, seem to now define me. How can I have most of what ive asked God for and still be unhappy? Simple....I am lost. 

Struggling to find purpose, to breathe, to find a reason to live and be okay. I would love to put action into my goals but i am physically pulled down by depression. I smile while out and about, strangers talk to me and think im nice. If they only knew. Theyre are impressed that I work at a bank and worked my way up. The little black girl that speaks well and works hard.... Lost.

The little black girl whom is awkward and strange, i dont fit in with anyone  anywhere. The black girl who is urban-emo and would rather disappear. Sometimes i wish i could be invisible to match how i feel. At least then id know it wasnt my personality that kept me this lonely......Lost.

I should probably seek help. Ask for direction, and pray for peace, but a small part of me is comfortable with the back and forth in my mind. With all that i go through mentally one would think i should tired... and i am. Ready to be found in the middle of being.....

Lost.