The Title applies to a good three areas in my life....
One being ready to move in the financial/professional place in my life since I am finished with school, Two being ready to move out and move into my own place, I just think its time that I don't have to rely on anyone but God and myself. Lastly I am ready for a mate, I thought I couldnt miss what I don't have but that is a bold faced lie. For the last year I have talked about fixing ME, from the inside. But there are areas of my life that are less personality that I am just ready to move on to. Today it is on my heart to talk about Marriage.
I have been saying to God lately that I think I may be ready to be in a relationship. This is something I have put off simply because of the examples that I have had in my life of other peoples relationships, and how bad they were, and I always said that alot of things had to be in place in order for me to give myself to anyone, mentally or etc. Then I got to a point lately where I realized that I don't control how things play out and that i'm ready to be something great for someone, and for someone to be great for me. Today, I realized that i'm hoping for a RELATIONSHIP when I should be preparing for Marriage.
Asking for a relationship just feels ridiculous when the end goal is marriage, so that is my goal from now until it happens, to prepare for my husband, and hope that God is getting him ready for me. Its crazy how you can come from someone who was always in a relationship, always giving away the best parts of them because maybe they believed in love, and YOU turn out to be the total opposite simple because you sat back and watched that person be hurt time and time again, and vowed it would never be you. I think that in vowing that I would do things the right way I closed myself off, I admired from afar and just assumed God would drop someone from the sky and they would be mine. I think my little vow has even kept men from liking me TO MY FACE ( I swear most of the men who like me NEVER approach me). I feel that maybe I am not approachable. I don't like that.
Don't get it twisted, I could have settled for any loser that has asked for my number or shot me a glance, I could have been THAT desperate for love, but to me, Love seemed too complicated, and too hurtful, it was just never a "want". I wanted alot of things, and none of them had anything to do with love, for a longggg time, but as i've grown older I realize that life is hard enough to live it alone, and i'd love to be able to give my heart, my good listening skills, my care, to someone who deserves it and get the same in return. Someone to tell all my secrets, fears, and wants.....other than God, because he hears quite enough from me.
So even if my husband doesn't come for another 5 years, I now feel, and know, that it is time to prepare for him. I am seeking God on this, where I should go, who I should be around, how to present myself, how to take care of myself on the outside and not just the inside. I have been asking God to fix ME for so long, but i'm kind of over that now, i've come to terms with who I am, and honestly there is very little about me that I don't like, and what I don't like will probably be the same things that a man will not be able to stand about me. I want to focus on growing in God, and getting back in a good place with him, so that he can prepare me for a REAL life, with a husband, and a child. No longer do I want to say out of my mouth what EYE don't want. I have to remind myself to want whatever my heavenly father wants.
I have always looked at people weird for thinking that EYE was weird for waiting it out, for doing things the right way, but I kind of get it now, (not that it changes anything because I dont live for what others think I should do) I get that it is not easy walking through life alone, hoping and praying that God will see you through, sometimes it just feels better to have someone walking beside you. So many people have done so much just to say they have someone, and it was never what they needed. I never wanted to be that girl, and I still don't. I'd rather be single forever, BUT I will say that i'd much rather not be alone.
The more I learn what love looks like and what it should feel like, the more I want it, but I want it to be right, this is where I struggle, because I'm not sure if my own personal desires have kept me from moving along in this area of life. I wonder if God says "Well shes gonna be alone for awhile if this is what she wants", I wonder if I should lose some of my expectations and loosen up. I feel that right now I need to, but I never want to settle, I just never want to give up on what I think I deserve.
Idk, sometimes I wish I was like everyone else.....but I am not, I am peculiar, and i'm okay with that, as long as God knows that whoever is for me will have to be peculiar as well. It feels so weird to actually speak out about this, because I know that I am very silent on this part of my life, and I probably always will be, silent or not, this is just how I am, but sometimes you get to a point where you have to speak things into the atmosphere in order for God to know that you are serious about it. Asking for Marriage is huge, im not quite sure what I'm really asking for in asking for it, but this is the first day i've realized that it is what I want. I've heard peoples opinions, i've been asked questions and I never really cared to be asked the questions or to even answer them, I had no answer. I knew I wanted to be in a relationship just like anyone else, but in my own time......but time doesn't belong to me.
So I put it out there, and I hope that God hears me, and I hope it doesn't take forever to prepare for it, but if it does then it is because it is within God's plan for me, so i've gotta deal with it, and if it never comes, then that was also God's plan for me, and i'll have to deal with that too. Love it or hate it.
Don't get it twisted, I could have settled for any loser that has asked for my number or shot me a glance, I could have been THAT desperate for love, but to me, Love seemed too complicated, and too hurtful, it was just never a "want". I wanted alot of things, and none of them had anything to do with love, for a longggg time, but as i've grown older I realize that life is hard enough to live it alone, and i'd love to be able to give my heart, my good listening skills, my care, to someone who deserves it and get the same in return. Someone to tell all my secrets, fears, and wants.....other than God, because he hears quite enough from me.
So even if my husband doesn't come for another 5 years, I now feel, and know, that it is time to prepare for him. I am seeking God on this, where I should go, who I should be around, how to present myself, how to take care of myself on the outside and not just the inside. I have been asking God to fix ME for so long, but i'm kind of over that now, i've come to terms with who I am, and honestly there is very little about me that I don't like, and what I don't like will probably be the same things that a man will not be able to stand about me. I want to focus on growing in God, and getting back in a good place with him, so that he can prepare me for a REAL life, with a husband, and a child. No longer do I want to say out of my mouth what EYE don't want. I have to remind myself to want whatever my heavenly father wants.
I have always looked at people weird for thinking that EYE was weird for waiting it out, for doing things the right way, but I kind of get it now, (not that it changes anything because I dont live for what others think I should do) I get that it is not easy walking through life alone, hoping and praying that God will see you through, sometimes it just feels better to have someone walking beside you. So many people have done so much just to say they have someone, and it was never what they needed. I never wanted to be that girl, and I still don't. I'd rather be single forever, BUT I will say that i'd much rather not be alone.
The more I learn what love looks like and what it should feel like, the more I want it, but I want it to be right, this is where I struggle, because I'm not sure if my own personal desires have kept me from moving along in this area of life. I wonder if God says "Well shes gonna be alone for awhile if this is what she wants", I wonder if I should lose some of my expectations and loosen up. I feel that right now I need to, but I never want to settle, I just never want to give up on what I think I deserve.
Idk, sometimes I wish I was like everyone else.....but I am not, I am peculiar, and i'm okay with that, as long as God knows that whoever is for me will have to be peculiar as well. It feels so weird to actually speak out about this, because I know that I am very silent on this part of my life, and I probably always will be, silent or not, this is just how I am, but sometimes you get to a point where you have to speak things into the atmosphere in order for God to know that you are serious about it. Asking for Marriage is huge, im not quite sure what I'm really asking for in asking for it, but this is the first day i've realized that it is what I want. I've heard peoples opinions, i've been asked questions and I never really cared to be asked the questions or to even answer them, I had no answer. I knew I wanted to be in a relationship just like anyone else, but in my own time......but time doesn't belong to me.
So I put it out there, and I hope that God hears me, and I hope it doesn't take forever to prepare for it, but if it does then it is because it is within God's plan for me, so i've gotta deal with it, and if it never comes, then that was also God's plan for me, and i'll have to deal with that too. Love it or hate it.
