Oh......Hey 2015

It has been Quite a year

First of all Let me just say that it has almost been a year since I started this blog, and i'm ALMOST at 1000 views, which isn't half bad seeing as how I only post every blue moon. When I started this blog I said that I wanted to be in a better place a year from now and would hopefully update with good news. I am happy to say that I am! Still so far to go though, which is why I will  be setting new goals for the new year, last years goals were set and I accomplished quite a few of them, and then there are still some that have went un-accomplished.

I've come extremely far, I know more of who I am, I am MUCH more outspoken, I am SOOOOOO much more aware of where I want to be in life. I have finished school, I'm working, I have developed new and great friendships, I am more spiritually in tune, although I have kind of slacked in my walk with God lately.I can honestly say, that the INNER me is in a good place. Now time to work on the outer. With that said, here are my goals for the coming year....

1. Be more positive- This time last year I kind of set that same goal, and it worked for about 8 months, but as the pressure to finish school and find work grew so did the negativity. I am nowhere near as negative as I used to be, but i have noticed a shift. My goal is to be optimistic, so much so that people look to me to find positive energy.

2. Read my bible- this was part of last years goals too, and I did it, I have so much more of an understanding of who God is and what the Bible is REALLY saying, but I have slacked, I havent read .....really sat down and read, in months. Dont get it twisted though, my relationship with God is still strong, but it is my fault that it is not where it should be.

3. lose weight: My appearance is always together, I am not ashamed of me, or how I look or anything, i'm actually very confident, but there is a slight insecurity that can creep up on me every now and then and I imagine that losing some weight will make me even more confident. And I want to be healthy. 60-80 pounds, I wont set the bar too high.

4. Drive- Please don't judge me, I tried to get some help on that last year and noone wanted to, therefore I let it linger, and here I am a year later in the same space. I'll just pay someone to help me now lol.

5.Start a business- My online boutique, or photography. or BOTH! Plus the music side of me, all three have a place in my heart and I want to figure out how to fuse them all and start a business. I HATE working for other people. By the end of the year I want to be moving in that area. Set schedules are not for me.

6. Strengthen my relationships with people and start new ones- Now that i'm sure of who my real friends are, I want to go back to being the person I was before terrible friends robbed me of that, and it was the "Check-up" friend, the one who calls, and pushes, and supports. I am still that friend however I am VERY skeptical of people and I am not so WILLING. I've noticed I don't keep in touch how I should. I apologize if anyone feels like I have failed in the "Check-up" area, please understand that I became closed off due to never feeling important enough to others. Nothing personal. Also I wrote a blog about marriage so we shall see what 2015 brings in that area lol. Your greatest resource is PEOPLE never forget that....... and I want to meet rich and successful people too, not just any ole body. Networking is so important.

7.Blog more: I admit I am lazy, I will try.

8.Save Money: One thing I realized in working in the industry I currently work in is how IMPORTANT it is to save money. I've seen people come in with hundreds of dollars worth of coin saved, money saved from every $20 dollar bill they broke, or CD's and special savings filled with money, and I literally feel broke some days! There are so many ways to save, so many techniques, and I should practice them, I never want to be caught up where I have no way to survive again in life. Please save people.....please. Life is unpredictable, don't be caught slippin.

9.HAVE MORE FUN!!! - I have already started. That was a last years goal too, and I can say that I get out more often, and I still dont have to smoke or drink just to be a good time.

10. I dont have a tenth goal- Maybe finish my AA? Go out of town more? Go see Beyonce in concert? Idk lol.

Those are my goals. Please feel free to post yours, and don't be afraid to hold me accountable, I wont trip if I hear "I thought you were gonna be more positive?" or "Why are you eating that, didnt you wanna lose weight?". I will consider it support and not shade lol!

I think i'm ready

The Title applies to a good three areas in my life....

One being ready to move in the financial/professional place in my life since I am finished with school, Two being ready to move out and move into my own place, I just think its time that I don't have to rely on anyone but God and myself. Lastly I am ready for a mate, I thought I couldnt miss what I don't have but that is a bold faced lie. For the last year I have talked about fixing ME, from the inside. But there are areas of my life that are less personality that I am just ready to move on to. Today it is on my heart to talk about Marriage.

I have been saying to God lately that I think I may be ready to be in a relationship. This is something I have put off simply because of the examples that I have had in my life of other peoples relationships, and how bad they were, and I always said that alot of things had to be in place in order for me to give myself to anyone, mentally or etc. Then I got to a point lately where I realized that I don't control how things play out and that i'm ready to be something great for someone, and for someone to be great for me. Today, I realized that i'm hoping for a RELATIONSHIP when I should be preparing for Marriage.

Asking for a relationship just feels ridiculous when the end goal is marriage, so that is my goal from now until it happens, to prepare for my husband, and hope that God is getting him ready for me. Its crazy how you can come from someone who was always in a relationship, always giving away the best parts of them because maybe they believed in love, and YOU turn out to be the total opposite simple because you sat back and watched that person be hurt time and time again, and vowed it would never be you. I think that in vowing that I would do things the right way I closed myself off, I admired from afar and just assumed God would drop someone from the sky and they would be mine. I think my little vow has even kept men from liking me TO MY FACE ( I swear most of the men who like me NEVER approach me). I feel that maybe I am not approachable. I don't like that.

Don't get it twisted, I could have settled for any loser that has asked for my number or shot me a glance, I could have been THAT desperate for love, but to me, Love seemed too complicated, and too hurtful, it was just never a "want". I wanted alot of things, and none of them had anything to do with love, for a longggg time, but as i've grown older I realize that life is hard enough to live it alone, and i'd love to be able to give my heart, my good listening skills, my care, to someone who deserves it and get the same in return. Someone to tell all my secrets, fears, and wants.....other than God, because he hears quite enough from me.

So even if my husband doesn't come for another 5 years, I now feel, and know, that it is time to prepare for him. I am seeking God on this, where I should go, who I should be around, how to present myself, how to take care of myself on the outside and not just the inside. I have been asking God to fix ME for so long, but i'm kind of over that now, i've come to terms with who I am, and honestly there is very little about me that I don't like, and what I don't like will probably be the same things that a man will not be able to stand about me. I want to focus on growing in God, and getting back in a good place with him, so that he can prepare me for a REAL life, with a husband, and a child. No longer do I want to say out of my mouth what EYE don't want. I have to remind myself to want whatever my heavenly father wants.

I have always looked at people weird for thinking that EYE was weird for waiting it out, for doing things the right way, but I kind of get it now, (not that it changes anything because I dont live for what others think I should do) I get that it is not easy walking through life alone, hoping and praying that God will see you through, sometimes it just feels better to have someone walking beside you. So many people have done so much just to say they have someone, and it was never what they needed. I never wanted to be that girl, and I still don't. I'd rather be single forever, BUT I will say that i'd much rather not be alone.

The more I learn what love looks like and what it should feel like, the more I want it, but I want it to be right, this is where I struggle, because I'm not sure if my own personal desires have kept me from moving along in this area of life. I wonder if God says "Well shes gonna be alone for awhile if this is what she wants", I wonder if I should lose some of my expectations and loosen up. I feel that right now I need to, but I never want to settle, I just never want to give up on what I think I deserve.

Idk, sometimes I wish I was like everyone else.....but I am not, I am peculiar, and i'm okay with that, as long as God knows that whoever is for me will have to be peculiar as well. It feels so weird to actually speak out about this, because I know that I am very silent on this part of my life, and I probably always will be, silent or not, this is just how I am, but sometimes you get to a point where you have to speak things into the atmosphere in order for God to know that you are serious about it. Asking for Marriage is huge, im not quite sure what I'm really asking for in asking for it, but this is the first day i've realized that it is what I want. I've heard peoples opinions, i've been asked questions and I never really cared to be asked the questions or to even answer them, I had no answer. I knew I wanted to be in a relationship just like anyone else, but in my own time......but time doesn't belong to me.

So I put it out there, and I hope that God hears me, and I hope it doesn't take forever to prepare for it, but if it does then it is because it is within God's plan for me, so i've gotta deal with it, and if it never comes, then that was also God's plan for me, and i'll have to deal with that too. Love it or hate it.

Feeling Some kind of way.....

I wish that feeling "Some Kind Of way" was an explainable feeling. I hate that emotion specifically because it is un-explainable. It is an emotion that cannot be fixed immediately. The most you can do is pray it away.

I think that feeling "Some kind of way" may actually mean that you have EVERY emotion, and you don't really know how to sort them. Your happy, but sad, but mad, but lonely, but sleepy, but hungry (lol). That emotion is dangerous, it is the one that causes you to think the most.

I have had a week of people talking to me in a manner that doesn't sit well with me, and I already have a build up of anger so any minute someone could see a side of me that I keep hidden. I am very blessed right now, but something is still missing, there are issues still lingering. I still feel alone, even with having newer people in me life who show me love and support, I can never seem to get rid of that lonely feeling.

I had come so far in being able to control my emotions, my expectations, and my quickness to be offended, but I feel a relapse coming on. I feel a personality in me stirring that has come with age, and its called "Fed Up Girl". Lately, everybody irks me, everybody seems untrustworthy, or have motives that don't have my, or other peoples best interest at heart. I used to look at people and give them the benefit of the doubt, now, I look through people.

The inability for humans to act right makes me treat them like a species different from mine. I can never understand why people just cant........do right. But then again it isn't for me to understand, all I know is that "People" have become my greatest annoyance, but I can't control others. The things people do, the way people are. It is hard for me to enter a new area in my life and trust it, because where people are involved it is always a flip of the coin.... 50/50. 

I've been praying about these feelings, because it is causing me doubt in areas in my life I was very sure about just a few months ago. I know that being a girl doesn't work out in my favor because we are automatically emotional, but i've NEVER been an emotional creature, I dont know where all the crying is coming from, the anger, any of it. I like to be able to pin point what is wrong with me and I just can't....... 

maybe everything is wrong with me.

Sometimes you just gotta rock with that.....

Saturday July 27th 2014 R.I.P Trust

Today I feel the need to document that this is the day that trust has died in me. I trust no one but God. Prayer is needed because I just don't get it. I don't like being lied to, but I understand the lies dwell within a disease. I can't be specific, I have no one to talk to about it. I just want to move on from today, knowing that although you love folk, they are who they are, and no matter how much you may want for them, they may never reach that potential. I am literally empty. I live in the midst of other people problems. I realized this a few weeks ago. When It comes to my own issues, i've owned them, i've worked on them, and i've come a long way, it is not my own issues I am completely battling with anymore, it is other peoples issues. This is not okay.

I just want peace, peace of mind, peace in health, peace in spirituality, and it sucks that in order to have peace, I will have to pull it from within, I have to find it through what I consider Chaos around me. I can't simply be on my own, in my own space, in my own world and have peace NOPE, I have to ask God for strength to pull it forward. 

Everyone's motives, issues, words, are given a side-eye from me now, I am sensitive to red flags, almost expert in them. I am forced to do what I should have been doing anyway......ask God about EVERYTHING. In everything go to God in prayer, give it up to him. He is all that I have. I pray that God helps me restore my trust in people, that he sends someone to be in life, be it friend, husband, Colleagues, that is simple, no major issues, just little fixable ones that don't stand to ruin a life. I'm not trying to offend anyone who may have thought they were that person...............I'm just in a very fragile state of mind, and it is truly sad.

Social Media Disdain

I THOUGHT THESE DAYS WOULD NEVER COME

First, excuse my choice of color used for the font, blue is sort of how i'm feeling. I's sick with a cold (or something worse, I will find out tomorrow at urgent care), I am barely getting any sleep,and I have a few things on my mind.

Today I want to discuss my recent disdain for social media. A good 8 years ago you couldn't tell me that Myspace wasn't the best thing since sliced bread, and when Facebook popped off OMG!! Twitter hit and by 2009 I was a slave to social media, tumblr, had to try it, and lets not forget black-planet or crushspot (which I would love to forget). I had tried them all, and like everyone else I'm sure, I thought that being able to find old friends, or communicate with people from all over the world was thee coolest. My best-friend however was over social media almost as fast as it came, and I never understood it, until recently....

Opinions not asked for, pictures you wish you could unsee, people you can't stand fronting to save face of what is really going on, the freedom people have to express hate for what you may love, or love for what you may hate, being bashed or bullied for your opinion, seeing a public display of what you wish you had when in fact, THEY DONT EVEN HAVE IT! Celebrities who you once loved turning out to be horrible in real life, popularity contests, "just how rude can I be" contest, or my fav "I'm an asshole" declarations. The "is she/he or is she/he NOT talking about me in this post?" questions that I and im sure others have when people decide that it would be best to air dirty laundry on the internet, and lastly the inability to mind ones business, but then again it is impossible to mind ones own business on social media. OXYMORON

The above isn't a real paragraph, it is the countless amount of things that are starting to take a toll on me when it comes to social media. I don't use Social Media to hide behind when I want to be a hater, or pretend I have what I don't have, so that people will like me, or so that people will get their emotions ruffled because of me. I use it to socialize, post cool pictures of my hair, and laugh.

It has been a month since I have been on Facebook, and honestly I don't miss it. I always take Facebook breaks but this time is different. I literally don't know the next time i'll indulge. I even logged out of Instagram recently for a good three days which is the one social networking place I thought i could never get tired of. I am honestly over it all. You sort of get lost in it all, you become immune to what you know is unacceptable. All I want to do is write my little blogs, be creative, finish school, and get back into my bible daily. I find it hard to completely let go because, well I was a bit addicted, and what the hell will I do when i'm bored? Is what I ask myself.

I say this often but, people are just weird man...........Chinese food weird. 

You literally have to log into SOMETHING just to reach certain people, and folks love using social media as a way to be "Funny acting". I have always been who I am and I don't understand why others just cant be themselves. I envy people who were not slaves to this mess, who are out living life, and every now and then give a glimpse of how good life is, those are the people REALLY living what they portray. The preciousness of moments are taken because it has to recorded or captured. Everyone has essays and dissertations that they love to write regarding others lives but refuse to see self issues. Men are calling women thots for literally just breathing, and the black mans "global" name has been changed from Tyrone to Dumb-ass Daquan. All because someone decided to put it in a picture, and people get off on this stuff, even if they are no one in real life, that one picture getting a million likes is like......an achievement. Everyone is a model, or producer, or rapper, yet lack simple skills, like spelling. And don't get me wrong, I find A LOT of things funny, my sense of humor is off, and sarcastic, and I'm not downing those who are simply having fun and don't take life too seriously, but all of it TOGETHER, has become too much.

I don't want to be so.....reachable, if that is a word, anymore. I want people to have to call me. I want to emerge every now and then and share how God is blessing my life because I give him the time he deserves (although he does that anyway, even without the time) and then disappear again for a few weeks.

I have never been a girl who likes to be told what to do, especially when it comes to the popularity thing, and i feel that society is now doing that by saying you aren't great if you don't have lots of followers and likes. So with that being said, I am Going to take a legit break from it all. Not just Facebook, or instagram on Sundays, and twitter on Mondays. I want to log into me. I've got zillions of passwords I cant even remember anymore. I want to read some good books, get back to creating, get back to my bible, and only check-in when I truly feel the need to. I want things to go back to the days when phone calls, and letters were the only way to reach anyone. I want to go back to the days where I liked celebrities purely for their talent.

Easier said than done though......

The World will never love me.......here's why.

"They want to see you do good, but never better than them..........."

Okay so, over the past few days, I have been mulling over some things. I've kinda come to the realization that the kind of "love" or "support" or "recognition" that I am looking for out of people will never come like I want it to, especially from people whom I THOUGHT I held close. When I finally get to the place I hold successful, my support will come from new friends, new mentors, new colleagues. The people that will truly believe in me, will not have been around a long time.

 

A while ago I wrote a blog about dismissive people. I thought that would be a blog a lot of people could relate to, but actually very few people will get it, and it will only be the people with true purpose in life and a huge ministry or gift. People do not love me or support me like they say they do, yet they use my ideas, or want me around for what i'm good at (I usually get this when it comes to children or OTHER peoples businesses that they want me to support). I've noticed recently that people don't think I've "Been there done that" when I give my advice (which is ALWAYS asked for) and it really is a gem, folks tend not to listen, or downplay what I have to say, as if I haven't lived 28 years long enough to know SOMETHING. I've always been wise beyond my years, since birth. People don't really see me as a threat when it comes to success, and they don't truly hold my words as valuable.

 

I could not figure this out....at first. Now I see why, there is something about ME that people are afraid of. I think people know that if and when God truly blesses me and brings my purpose and life full circle there will be no stopping me. They don't hold my words valuable because they don't want what I say to be true. They don't want to see me evolve because that means I will have left them behind in life. People are used to surpassing me, to having it a little better than me, its sad but true. I truly believe that a lot of folk I know (and even love) hold themselves at a higher level than me, not because they are, but because if they pretend not to see my potential, maybe, just maybe, I won't reach that potential.

 

Too bad I will...#SorryNotSorry. This is not me tooting my own horn, I have NEVER been that girl, this is me finally realizing just how valuable I am, just how powerful I am. People who barely know me tend to see my light so much brighter than people I've known for years. Its not that they didn't see the light either, its that they have chosen not to, or to ignore it. And the new people who don't like me have no reason, they simply see the light that they don't have.

 

I'm starting to see myself as a threat to others, i'm starting to realize just how dangerous my success could be for others. I smile a little, no more do I look at people and think they are dismissing me because I am nothing, but now, I know they are dismissing me because of who I am. I am a child of God, the world will never love me.

 

Here's where I talk to people who have my same issue. If anyone has EVER told you that it isn't you, "people just have issues" I would like to disagree, IT IS YOU! It is your brain, it is your know how, it is your work ethic, it is your beauty, IT IS YOUR LIGHT! If you are not supported like you should be by folk you think should be supporting you, usually it is because they don't want to see you doing better than them. Tons of men have left their women for doing more, and learning, and evolving. Tons of people have lost friends because those friends didn't know how to grow with them. KEEP GOING, with whatever it is that you are doing, there will be that one person you meet networking, who you have known all of two seconds, that will see your light, brighter than anyone you've known your whole life.

 

At this point in life, I decided to stop supporting folk who cant even thow me a "im proud of you" or "good job at sticking with school and almost being done". Not that I need those comments, but they feel good to hear. Whatever it is that God has for me must be huge, because although people may never say it, they are threatened by my future, and they are threatened by my favor from God.......And they should be.

 

I feel empowered today, a feeling I rarely have, but seeing how people treat me....as if my existence is blurred, shows me just how powerful I will be. So keep fake supporting, keep smiling but then telling other folks what you think I should be doing with me life, keep ignoring the valuable things that God has taught me to share. In a minute, you will have no choice but to see me. And this is to no one in particular....it is to the world.

 

As always, keep me in your prayers!

Epiphany

Hey!

First let me just say.......

I know a few people actually look forward to my posts and read them, and even though I didn't make my blog to impress anyone or for anyone to read, it happened anyway, so I apologize for the lack of posts, guess I kind of felt the need to do that because people look forward to reading it.

Moving on...

So a week back or so, I was thinking about how much I wish I could go out of town and get away, see something new. A few days later at my moms birthday dinner her friend came along, and she talked about how often she just decides to leave town and see something new. She kept saying how it is imperative to see the world, and see what else is out there. That struck a cord in me because I had this yearning to just get out of dodge, leave, just be one with the road. 

This past weekend I watched the movie "The secret life of Walter Smitty" (forgive me if I got the title a little wrong, I'm too lazy to google right now). The movie was interesting, definitely not Oscar worthy or anything, but I literally felt like I was watching myself on the screen. The movie is about a man who daydreams so much that he mixes his daydreams with his reality and people literally have to make him snap out of it. In real life he is a boring Joe shmoe who doesn't have much of a life, and hasn't been anywhere but Phoenix Arizona. He spends alot of the movie daydreaming situations in his life in a different way. Somewhere in the movie he literally just decides to take a chance, take a risk, leave the country, and do things (i'm trying not to give the real plot to the movie away).

I wrote a blog not too long ago about my daydreaming, how often I have to leave my reality to see something better. I feel like a Walter Smitty. I felt like someone literally studied me and then made a character out of me but changed the sex, and the age.

I find myself being very controlling of what I allow myself to enjoy, maybe its that I dont have too many great things happen to me so when something close to great happens I don't allow myself to enjoy how I should. I literally have to force myself to buy me something nice, or order whatever I want at my favorite restaurant . Lately I have felt that I deserve to see the world. I want to be more open-minded, and I want to experience something that could change me and make me better, and more educated. Traveling....for me, would be that thing.

What always keeps me from taking risks is......well is myself. That good ole introvert behavior keeps me in fear to take risks and be adventurous. The realist in me weighs all the options. NO MONEY, NO ONE TO GO WITH, WHAT IF I GET KIDNAPPED OUT OF COUNTRY, WHAT WOULD MY FAMILY THINK, IS THIS REALLY THE BEST THING TO DO AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE? (thats the realist speaking). I kind of hate the realist in me because she keeps me from being spontaneous. I am the most careful and cautious person I know, outside of my mother who is the queen of cautious.

I decided that I will finish out my 20's learning myself, getting better, educating myself, leaning towards my purpose, but once I turn 30.......its on. I know I know.....why not start now? Its the realist in me. Realistically I'm not ready for the type of life I want to live. I still have a immaturity that I cant quite pin point yet. I am 28 years old and I literally have a year 1/2 left of my 20's. My goal is to really be able to understand the person that I am, because I want to enjoy my 30's. I want my 30's to be what my 20's should have been. I like that I am learning now what alot of people dont learn until they are 50 years old and only have time for a simple bucket list. God willing I have alot of years ahead of me, and I don't want to die unhappy.

I want to travel, eat different things, explore different cultures, take on different values, and just be one with myself and God. Today I am making the promise to myself that I will see the world, my 30's will not be like my 20's. I wont be put in a box as a human being, I wont be mediocre. I don't want to feel depressed about 30, I want to be excited to know that my 30's will be the best years of my life THUS FAR. My 20's were not great to me, but they taught me alot and I've come a lonnnnggggg way.

Pray for me, as I pray for myself, and my purpose. 

The Introverts Fear of Leading

Today it is on my mind to talk about my lack of WANTING to be a leader

I see this as a problem. Because im an introvert it is custom for me to always want to stand in the background and do what I can do without the pressure of leading a group and having to be responsible for its failure. The funny part is that I naturally have leadership skills, and people naturally ask me how to do things or where to start. 

My dwindling (and I say that because im working on it) fear of rejection and failure makes it hard for me to take charge of many situations, and yet I almost ALWAYS end up in a situation where I am forced to take charge. Just yesterday my class was working on a mock trial. We were split up into Defendants Vs. Plaintiffs, the groups separated to work and I immediately knew what needed to happen, and that me and my home girl Timika needed to take charge and create organization.....and we did, and people liked that we did. With all that positiveness coming from me trying to be a leader,I still have issues with it.

There is so much I want to do, especially business wise. Most people in my program want to be lawyers, meanwhile this program is literally my plan B. I'm not sure I really want anything to do with Law although i've found that i'm pretty good at it. There are so many dreams I have, and Michigan has very few start off resources. In the back of my mind I knew I could start something great, and lead it.......but what if it fails? The unfortunate part of being an introvert I guess.

Failure is just not an option. I wish I knew like-minded people, then maybe I'd be a bit more motivated to get out here and do something great together, I am one who believes there is great power in a team. I'd rather everyone lead on a certain part of a whole goal then lead a whole group by myself..

This is something that I have to get a grip on if I want to own my own business and be great in life. Im 28 and I feel that time is slipping away. I wish I knew of some leadership classes I could take for free, i'm so open to learning and taking in everything I can right now, which is a good thing. I was not in that space a year ago. Maybe i'll google some good books I could buy or rent from the library.

Pray for me as I explore this new obstacle in my personality. I have come so far in how I think, and what I know. Leadership is the newest/oldest part of me that needs work. Now that I know this, its time to attack it head on. 

Springtime Happiness.....

 

This picture is how I feel as of lately......and its weird.

 

 

I don't know if it's springtime, or how well I'm doing in school, or the goodness of God. Maybe all of the above, maybe its the book I've been reading which sort of changed my perspective on life. I have not a clue, but I think I'm experiencing .....dare I say it....Happiness.

 

I'm not quite sure when the last time I felt this way. I feel content yet I don't have much, I feel optimistic in situations that look bleak. I mean I almost wasn't able to go to school this mod and literally shrugged like "Oh well I'll be fine". I feel so capable, and hopeful, and alive. Its so corny but true.

 

Having this feeling makes you want to protect it. Other than anger, we as humans don't ever think to protect an emotion. We protect anger because it's an easier emotion to have, to be angry at the world, to hold grudges, to be unforgiving, to not love, or trust, or understand. That emotion is so much easier, but anger kills a lot faster too. I want to protect my happy moods, I don't like negativity, or anger in my space. Some may feel that I've been weird towards them, it's not that, I just don't want your negativity rubbing off on me.

 

It's like experiencing love for the first time, you want that love so bad that you protect it, you excuse what you know isn't love to keep the half love that is left. I'm not saying I will be excused from trials and problems and off days, but for the most part I am just in a great mood and I plan on protecting that. I almost feel reborn, or like I've had a child I don't want anyone touching.

 

My blogs Purpose has changed

 

When I first started this blog I was in a very negative place, where I knew change needed to take place, and here I am four months later and I'm already different, heck I'm more different than I was two or three weeks ago. I think I've gotten a look into what life is supposed to be regardless of what you have, and I feel privileged because people who have lived so much longer than me still haven't caught that glimpse. I feel favored. To know how to come out of a bad day even better is a great lesson to learn.

 

I have learned how bad everyone has it, and how much they let it affect them. I don't want that to be me. I've learned how happy someone seems on the outside does not portray the inside. I've learned that there are people who have very few reasons to be happy and yet make it their business to brighten up someone elses day. I've learned that people are pretenders because pride will not allow them to let the world know they are struggling (celebrities mostly). These people are so much worse off than me. I've learned how to truly be sold out for God and how not to be ashamed because i'm not everybody else, those same people having worldly fun are suffering and the fact that they will enter heaven only for Christ to not know them makes me feel for them. From a murderer down to a simple pathological liar, I just feel nothing but sympathy.

 

I planned on having my Eureka moment this year, and I have. I can't wait to finally figure out my ministry, I know God is preparing me for that. I can't wait to see where I am spiritually and mentally by the end of this year so I can do a blog one year anniversary just to say "Look how far I have come". I'm praying for healing in my life, increase in my life, and success in my life. God is able.

 

I am now a black Introvert girl in the pursuit of Happiness, not bitterness.
 



Theme Song of this overly corny blog today lol.....

New/Old Meaning to Praising in the Hallway.....

The good thing about Yesterday, is that it really doesn't affect today....

I recently wrote a blog about my pride. I didn't share it, although I meant to because I kind of wanted feedback. Last week was a "struggle week" mostly mentally because I was afraid that I would have to "ask" people for something. My pride just couldn't handle it. After realizing I was being dramatic, I calmed myself down and told myself that If I wanted to be delivered from my pride I would have to exit out of my comfort zone. The very next day after writing the blog I started a book that a buddy sent to me from California (Shout out to Tiff). She told me the book was about the spirit of being Offended. I was SOOOOO excited to finally receive that book because that is another problem that I wanted to be delivered from, after all it is important to know your flaws and ask God for change........

Now.......imagine my surprise (but not really knowing the way God operates) when I crack open the book and the majority of the first chapter talks about how pride works in offense...... It was so weird because it hadn't even been 24 hours since I wrote the blog..... The first chapter forced me to sit back and understand where the pride i Harbor comes from. Really its from Childhood. Since I've always had discernment I always knew what we didn't have, and so I rarely asked for anything, knowing I would be rejected of it, or simply out of consideration I didn't ask so that I didn't come off self-centered. Alot of it was based in rejecttion though. Rejection offends me the most..... So I don't ask for anything.

I thought that was somewhat of a breakthrough......and it was.....but Today I got my whole life.

Today I read chapter 3, and from the first scripture I was hooked. This chapter talked about Joseph, and how his brothers betrayed him, set out to kill him because of the dreams of leadership God had given him. They didn't kill him but instead sold him into slavery and told their father he died. In being in slavery and thrown into jail for years Joseph decided not to be offended by his brothers. What really got me was that in the end his brothers came to him when God put him in leadership needing him, and he gave to them not only what they needed but the BEST of what he had. 

I got super cry baby after reading it, it was inspiring. The way the author wrote of that story and explained how what others mean for your harm is really God allowing it to happen to put you in place for leadership and your calling. Everything I had been dealing with mentally lately just became so clear. Its crazy, People can lie on you, have you put in jail, set out to kill you, beat you, hurt you, break you........and what was meant for harm only strengthens you for where God is taking you. It was amazing to me to have an actual example, of a situation that was so much worse than mine and yet they STILL came out victorious.

Now of course i've heard plenty of times to be content, Gods gonna bring you out....It went in one ear and out the other.... I was tired of hearing that. But that scripture on the picture really resonated with me today......What YOU meant for my harm, God meant for my good......It makes it so much easier to love with the love of God, because no matter what anyone means for me good or bad.....God was STILL using them to put me in a situation to eventually bless me!! Only YOU can allow that harm to be used by satan. It feels great to know that even if its a long while from now I can literally praise God in the hallway because I have the example of Joseph to be inspired by.....knowing that door is going to be opened no matter what the enemy may try. Finally I feel that I can be happy EVEN in bad times.......I have NEVER felt that way before....ever.

I really recommend this book. So many suffer from the bait of offense, people literally SEARCH for reasons to be offended. Never putting themselves in another persons shoes, never realizing people are the way they are for a reason, never using the love of God to understand a situation. I particularly feel that Offense is running WILD in Michigan. Everyone is mad, and offended, and hurt, and selfish because of that hurt, and hurt because they were offended, and offended because they allowed satan to set that trap......Can you imagine honestly being set free from offense??? What joy and happiness will come from that? After offense comes so many other emotions, anger, sadness, insecurities.....man. It is impossible to not be offended, but to be able to control it is awesome. I never cried from four pages in a book, I felt something come over me that I have never felt before. I didn't even see it coming, one minute I was reading and the next I was tearing up. God is indeed good.......and by the way, I actually never ended up having to ask for anything.....God fixed it.

I know this is a long read but I feel really good about what I've learned today because I KNOW that I will be able to use it. I didn't expect my blog to be about my walk with God, and I talk about God a whole lot, but i'm not ashamed of my relationship with Christ.....and if you are then that is a problem that you have not me.

Today more than ever, all I want is to be used by God, and when you say that and mean it you really don't know what you have gotten yourself into because God will do JUST THAT, you'll find yourself somewhere in Africa trying to preach to a village messing around with the Lord lol...but I really mean it. I'm scared a little, but from what I've read today I am so much more prepared and i'm confident that my growth in "situations" will have prepared me for whatever my calling is.

Pride....

Is going to be the death of me....

 

 

 

 

I've watched someone literally waste away because of pride, and yet I was not aware how much pride I have myself.

 

God keeps getting the most evil looks from me because I've had to swallow my pride allll week long. It is the hardest thing for me. I just hate asking....I hate needing. And now I may be in another ASKING situation for a whole week and its making me sick. I have to be delivered from this. I am asking God for help on this. The only thing that has ever literally made me feel sick was being around violence or fighting.... I don't like drama and confrontation. I'm way too chill. This pride thing though.....it's killing me

 

If anyone else has had pride issues and come through it

I'd certainly appreciate how you did it. No matter how much I've prayed for it to go away and went ahead and bit the bullet and put my pride aside it is STILL bothering me.

 

How do people take and take with no issue?? I can't do it. My friends think I'm crazy because I HATE asking for things... or taking things. They literally have to MAKE ME or just do it and not even tell me so there's nothing I can do about it.

 

Maybe its rejection im afraid of. Maybe it's the feeling of "Owing" someone.....I can't deal today lol.

 

Introvert Behavior......*shrugs*

The death of a mind: Negativity

Sometimes we let the devil in to cause chaos in our homes.......and then ask him to "keep it down."

A few weeks ago I got into this funk, and never really came out. Even while doing things that were supposed to make me happy ( like shopping, and hanging out) I could feel the "give a care" I had left leaving my body. I had slipped into my depression. Thinking about what I don't have and why the good get looked over. Here are some of the signs that has helped me realize I was in a depression, mayne this will help someone else understand what is wrong with them.

• Wanting to sleep the day away, or wanting to sleep until I felt much better or until the next day
• Rejecting encouragement: There was no amount of "it will get better" to give me mental relief
• Talking to no one. I dont care how çlose we are there was no reason to talk. For me it was useless, and satan wanted me to think no one cared anyway, they were only trying to be nosey.
• Wanting sleep and hating it at the same time. No matter how much I thought sleeping the day away would help I couldnt if I tried. Up at all hours of the night letting my mind wonder.
• Doubting God, does he really love me? Or does he just love others more? Does God even exist? Yes.....that actually crossed my mind. Smh
• Being mean......and snappy.......and dry. Everything irritated me....and everybody. Cant say that this still isnt happening

These last few days I've slowly gotten back to normal, but to be honest I am still at a low mentally. I decided to revisit a book I had bought about a year ago called Change Your Words Change Your Life by Joyce Meyer. It was probably the best thing I had done all week. An excerpt from the book says: 

(If reading from a small mobile device click the picture to read the quote)

I had let satan in and remind me of what Im not and what I cant control, he has been living up there in my brain. I've given him an eviction notice. I've re-directed my thoughts and focus. Negativity is crazy, it causes you to be so many things your not, jealous, rude, snappy, incapable of peace, all that and more. I've found myself speaking negativity into a situation before it even happens, which is a characteristic of the old Tia.

I don't want to "Oppress my spirit" any further. I'm sure my spirit man is saying "Somebody come get this emo flesh up outta here". I'm seeking things I already have, I just have to practice them. Peace, happiness, joy....I have those things, if I so choose to tap into them

I still stand by the notion that you need a pity party, and I KNOW I will have another bad day, or days, but what I speak into those bad days are so important. Being negative has been so detrimental to my mental health, i've literally been killing my mind, weakening it, letting it drift into a perminent sleep.

I want to appeal to people who have been/are feeling like me. Number 1, depression is real, but dont let it become you, do not let it take over. Strengthen your mind, so much so that anything unwanted will send off an alarm. My mental alarm has been off. Number 2 YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER UNCONTROLLABLE CIRCUMSTANCES. You have to SIT in that truth......what you DO have control over is how it all effects you, and for how long. I had totally let satan in and rebuked him at the very same time, asked him in and then got mad when he broke things, turned the radio up loud, and ate everything in my refridgerator. Satan is that of an unwanted guest. He had to go.

Be careful who you hang around too, even down to parents. Sometimes their negativity rubs off, sometimes that person who you vent to adds their negative problems to yours, and then your two negative peas in a pod, being ugly and negative together. God is not the author of confusion, so even though you dont understand your situation understand that it is in the plan. It will make sense eventually, and if it doesnt, just know it was neccessary.

I have to apologize to God. Even though he doesn't need my apologies. I pray and still worry, I think right only to turn around and think wrong. I read my bible only to take three day breaks and allow satan in, and I'll probably do all those things again. Thats the awesome thing about God and being a Christian, he knew we'd never be perfect, and yet he takes us back everytime.

I'm now going to watch Captain America and eat apple pie...... :-)

Choose PEACE over PROBLEMS

Pity Party

Can I just say how much I hate this season i'm in?

Not weather season, but a season of my "journey". I woke up to some news that has me sad, upset, and frustrated. As I processed this news, I was literally flooding my brain with reasons why its not that big of a deal, why it will be okay, why God is still good. I dont want to take this mood with me for the rest of the day.... i cant, I have finals and I need to focus.

However......

I need my pity party, if only for a moment, an hour, ten minutes, hell a day. I dont let my pity moments go past a day because I simply can't afford to dwell. 

I'm tired y'all.......

Im so over this, so over being the girl that I am, tired of wondering when i'm going to catch a break. I know God is working, at least I think I know. The news itself was bittersweet actually, but when youre soooooo tired......sooooo tired of things going left its hard to see the "little bit" of right. What i'm feeling right now is not even allowed because I know how well God has kept me, but I just feel that I am allowed a pity party. After I push publish on this post...... I will go on with my day and simply get over it, The devil isnt allowed to keep me down....... 

But im saying all this to say mostly for someone else. Do not allow yourself to never sit in a moment and be over it, and cry, and say why. This is how everything builds up and you end up in a "Columbine situation" . Take that moment to access what you are feeling, but make sure that it leads to freedom from the situation. Make sure it leads to encouragement, make sure it leads back to how good God is even through the trials and tribulations of life. Alot of people teach to be happy and joyous and praise filled in a bad moment......to me, thats just not all the way realistic. Human emotion is not set up like that, it takes practice. I feel that the more you allow yourself just a speck of time to be in your feelings and even more time getting out of them the less you will need a pity party, but it will not come overnight, and if you suppress how you feel trying to be happy when youre not then you will eventually blow up. Just sitting here blogging about how terrible I feel has made me feel better, and that doesnt mean I wont think about this later, it just means im not willing to dwell and let satan win. I have so much to be thankful for. Pity party.....officially over.

"There is no sin in being weary, the sin is in giving up"

~Joyce Meyer~

Why the preacher has more than YOU or the congregation....

Please note that this is purely my opinion, based on what I know about who God is. This isnt supposed to be offensive, but maybe a little clarity.

I have noticed that people who barely go to church, have nothing to do with God or church mention how the pastor and deacons and those who serve the church seem to have more than the congregation. I wont direct this to those that go and serve God because it is my belief that they should know better.

Here is my question to those people.....have you dedicated your WHOLE life to Christ? Is your everyday business Gods business only? Is your mission to spread the gospel? If you answered no....then this is why you dont have what they have. What they have is simple......its called favor, favor for being faithful to God.

When most of the congregation enters church ( and this is my OPINION) they enter with selfish intentions, wanting from God but never giving. And then there is the MYTH that the whole congregation is suffering or broke, just because that is YOUR story does not mean that this is everyones story. I know plenty of blessed and favored church folk, but then again this goes back to your dedication to a relationship with Christ.

There are also those that are confused on how a church is ran and what the tithe and offering is for.....if you believe that the point of tithes and offering was to magically teleport it to heaven, or a burning sacrifice you are sadly mistaken. The church has bills just like your home, and if a man of God is giving his whole life to God and leading the flock then he has to be taken care of and that is why some preachers recieve a salary, but ALOT of preachers still have a everyday job just like you and me. The point is not to take from us and live a better life. God finds many ways to take care of his people. Do not assume that all money goes to the preacher.....that is another Myth.

Dont get me wrong, I believe there are a few Mega church preachers that are getting over on Gods people, looking at church as a way to gain a following and money for power, don't worry about them, their day will come, and as a Christian you are still supposed to love on and pray for them.....yes...love and pray, even for your enemies. Even with those snakes amoung us this is once again not everyones story. You cannot decide that all preachers are the same. There are hundreds of preachers living a normal scaled down life and are yet STILL more blessed than you. 

Worry less about why the preacher has what he has because there is a reason for that, and no FALSE PROPHET will make it to heaven. We all have a journey to take. If you believe that the church is wrong, or that preachers are getting over on people stop TALKING about it and be about it. I can sit at home and read my bible and pray all day, but being faithful to him is to go out and spread that message the best way I can and if you arent doing that then why do you call yourself a Christian? Trust me, I am not doing half of what I should be doing to serve God, thats my own fault. I dont blame anyone for that, especially a preacher, im not perfect, noone is, and I dont expect to have more than someone who is more dedicated to Christ than me.With that being said, when I find the opportunity to tell someone about God I try to take it, and for that I have good favor alot of days.Instead of running your mouth on Gods people and tearing them down for having what YOU  lack how about you Build your own church, learn God for yourself and be a better Christian, but dont be mad when someone who has dedicated their whole life to the Lord is clearly more favored than you......

Because after all......favor ain't fair......especially to those called but not chosen

Dismissive Attitudes: Oh your ignoring me? Here, let me help you

(Note: I wrote this over a week ago. Two days later i came across a similar situation AGAIN so this recently applys, although in the moment it didnt.)

First I just want to say, its never felt so good to be in my feelings, express them, and move on with my day. This blog is like therapy for me. The last blog I posted helped me to not dwell on it. I keep so much bottled up, and writing about my experience gave me freedom I dont usually feel. So today I am in my feelings again.

I couldnt figure out for the life of me why It always feels like I am being ignored, why I may comment on things and people intentionally ignore me. Do these people have something against me? Whats the issue? Did I kill ya cat or dog? Hell hit me up and let me know! I always feel dismissed. Even when im talking I feel like im always fighting to get my words out, especially around more out going extrovert people. My first mind is to help you ignore me. I get ghost, i must admit I can take a hint like no other, and If I start to feel dismissed you will more than likely never hear from me again. Since High School ive made it a point for people to know I wont follow behind them like a lost puppy craving attention, i'd rather stay to myself than kiss butt. Ultimately I am easily offended and thought that  people are out to make me feel small and dismissed.

But let's get to the real issue

I realize that its not them, its my insecurities. Half the time people dont realize what their doing. I am so used to the feeling of being dismissed. My shyness never allowed me to command an audience, or the attention i THOUGHT I needed. I grew up around so many loud people, and honestly, my family is only JUST starting to learn me and my opinions. People tell me all the time " Tia I didnt know you were so smart". Im finding my voice so late in life, but the feeling of being dismissed still lingers.

I must be real though, I cant stand dismissive people. Those who dismiss your feelings, your hurt, your emotions all together. Dismissive people are usually very self-centered. Never caring how their actions or words affect others. Ask people who have ever felt suicidal and nine times out of ten they will tell you that they felt they had no one to talk to because their feelings are always dismissed.

Its like if your a child and your used to being told "shut up and stay in a childs place". Then something tragic happens and you are not given the avenue to say how it affected YOU as a child. You grow up thinking your opinion and feelings is invalid. You tell someone "Im not feeling like myself today, I feel down" and someone else says "Girl you'll be okay, I have down days too but I gotta keep it moving". And I really hate to hear "You'll get over it". Folks....please stop telling people that, even if its true, even if this is how you truly feel. Learn to LISTEN, and not listen to hear but Listen to UNDERSTAND.

Honestly I'm over dismissive people, but I also don't want to be so in my feelings that I mistake a simple over sight as ignoring me. I want to be delivered from being so offended in that, most times people mean well, but i think it is the realist in me that knows people are petty and sometimes are ignoring you, or looking past you because they dont see you as important. Its hard to figure out which is which, but that really isnt my job. My job is to be so secure in myself and who I am that I no longer feel dismissed or ignored.  

The introvert in me has created a shell that causes me to put up a wall when I feel dismissed, but people are just.....people. They are not Jesus, they are not obligated to consider or hear out my feelings or give me attention. It would be awesome to let alot of things just roll off my shoulder as if it never happened....easier said than done. I am praying for that deliverance

Father, Daughter Relationship: Your Role as Father

(Picture was funny to me)

Well....I said I would speak more freely using this blog, and I may get into a little trouble with this one, but it is what is on my heart so, here it goes.

 

 

Yesterday for the first time in maybe 6 years I saw my father.....and to be honest, it was quite uneventful. What I thought would be met with more enthusiasm from my father seemed more like hesitation and awkwardness (if that is a word). It wasn't what I expected, although I'm not quite sure what I expected because he has not changed since I've been born. Very quiet, a lot like me. Maybe I was expecting the reaction I got after seeing him for the first time when I visited home from California after being gone a year back in 05. He was so genuine in how happy he was to see me.

For some reason I told myself I should get over it because at least he was there in my childhood and that is the most a girl can ask for......that is ridiculous. I think i'm allowed to be a little hurt that our relationship is a tad strained because a girl should have her father for her whole life. I also told myself that at least he is still heavily involved in my siblings lives, but why should I go without?

This is less about me though, it is what it is. This is more of what all women feel when missing out on a father throughout life, or having a "weird" relationship if one at all. We are so dismissed as if a father not being around to do as expected is not a big deal. It is a big deal. We are told that if he does a little we should be thankful for that. When I think of a father I think of my father in heaven......or Will smith lol. My father in heaven is not half as visible as my earthly father, and yet I feel his love so much more often.

If nothing else a father's role is to love his daughter more than any man will. His role is to show his daughter what security, protection, and worthy treatment to a woman looks like. To give discipline but in a manner that is a lesson learned, not a beating because you like beating. So if a woman does not get this, what can you expect from her? Choosing unstable men, chasing after what she wants so bad but knows it will never be, feeling unprotected and not have the ability to trust, taking beatings from men because that's what they think they deserve (and that is usually women who have no father or a father who is abusive). This Ladies and gentlemen is the state of women in America now. You know at LEAST 10 women with one of those traits if not all. And then good men are left to suffer with either CLINGY women, or DISTANT women. Meanwhile the "other" men are left with plenty of weak women to choose from.

I just wish men would take ownership of their role, call your child, give her advice, give her attention, show her that she is worthy. It really is never too late. Get out of your pride, and your feelings. Being tough is cool until your 70 years old, and lonely, because you didn't invest your time into loving what is RIB OF YOUR RIB. What good is your legacy if you have no one to leave it to, what good is your name when you walk to the gates of Heaven and God does not know you to be his because you did not do what was right while on earth by your own children? Should God treat you how you treat yours?

I also want to appeal to women, be careful who you choose to be the father of your children, granted people change, but you have TIME to figure out what you want your child to be like. There are qualities in a man that show you whether he would be a good father or not. A good father whether he ends up hating YOU later or not will still be a good father. Stop the cycle. Stop sticking us girls with people who don't love us, or don't know how to show that they love us. People think that folks who don't have children and a million boyfriends after damn near high school are weird or not the norm. I find it weird going from man to man, giving away pieces of your heart and soul, to simply be left hurt, with hurt children, is even more weird and out of the norm. Ya'll can have that.

Despite my feelings towards yesterdays reunion, I know that I will always try......because I am supposed to honor my mother and father no matter who or where they are in life. This is for my own good, this is for my relationship with Christ to still be good. I want to be a good daughter to my father in heaven more than anything, so i'll keep trying. Keep reaching out, keep getting my little feelings hurt when I don't get a Christmas or Birthday phone call, just to simply wish me well, having faith that one day it will get better.



Happy Birthday: What 28 feels like

(Pretty little cake that my classmate got me)

Welp.......Today is my 28th birthday, and I thought I'd share what Im feeling today. First I'd like to thank my Father God for allowing me to see another year, he didnt have to, but it was his will that I did, and I am thankful!

Now.....Usually I would feel some type of way about my birthday, think about who didnt call me but could post on fb, who didnt get as excited about my day as me, i'd end up sad and irritated by the end of the day because noone cares more about my birthday than me, Jesus, and My mama lol. The last two birthdays however ive learned that most of the excitement, love, and happiness should come from me. This year ive decided to reflect more than planning, although I do have a little plans but of course my mother made that plan. I wanted to be in Vegas this year, but God was like nah.....

Anywho. It took me until litterally yesterday to feel happy about this birthday, realizing that I am blessed, I am favored by God, and that better is coming. 30 is creeping up on me and I decided just a few weeks back when I created this blog that I was gonna try harder. 

Today I feel good, I feel like NOBODY BETTER RUIN MY DAY, I feel like God is good, I feel that although others may not wish greatness for me, or be excited for me, or truly wish me well, I wish myself well! Who better to love on me than me. 

So today Im gonna go to breakfast at Dennys and get my free breakfast. Then later Famous Daves for some good ole barbeque, and if noone but me and my mama are there fine! I have expectations for noone. I want to remember today to not have my joy taken from me. To truly enjoy and celebrate what God has in store, and maybe today is the day I decide to take more action.

My mission: To simply have a blessed day. Good day folks.

Minding your bidness

Maybe its the introvert in me, maybe its the Aquarius in me, maybe its my character, but I find it hard to mind other peoples business. People are so quick to be negative about SOMEONE ELSES life, granted I have had my gossip days, but A gossip day vs a gossip life is a huge difference. Even with these celebrities, we are so quick to judge their lives as if we woke up next to them, we take picutres and gossip from "unknown sources" and believe it to be true.

For example, recently there were stories that Fantasias newest baby father ( the one who left his wife ) had broken up with her and went BACK to his wife, then the rumor went on to say that she was depressed, in the bed all day, and on the verge of suicide. People took that story and ran with it, spoke negativity all into this womans life. Turns out the rumors were false, fantasia is on broadway and broke up with him almost a year ago ( which I already knew). It was crazy because someone obviously wants her to lay down and die somewhere.

This is what happens when you dont speak life into someone. What sally do with her baby daddy or sam do on his job is not your business. How can you possibly see God bless your life if you continuously curse someone elses with your words. I am believing more and more that you shouldnt put your mouth on Gods people regardless to how they live their lives. Most recently I learned to just nod my head and say "uh huh" whenever someone is talking to me about someone elses life, so if im doing that to you its because really dont want to hear it. Its super uncomfortable to even be put in that position for me in the first place. There is too much pressure in knowing that someone is being constantly talked about and that if it comes back to them your name can come up because if nothing else you listened and commented on their lives. Its okay to vent, were all human, but sometimes folks go too far

Recently I asked God why I had to hear and see EVERYTHING. I have the gift of being a good listener and being super observant. Believe it or not it is a gift because there is protection and preparation in knowing. This is also a curse because everyone comes to you about everything, you are forced to hear or see things you NEVER wanted to know about. Even in minding my own business someone elses business comes to me because people talk too Dayum much. Dont get me wrong, talking can be a gift too, being able to persuade easily or get people to listen, lawyers have this gift, preachers have this gift, teachers have this gift, but I am not much of a talker, especially for no reason. My mother loves to talk and has yet to understand that sometimes I want to sit in silence lol. Even when having a talkative day I have to shut up sometimes. How can you learn if your mouth is always open? How can you understand if you dont listen? Too many teachers out here and not enough students. The next time someones situation comes up, practice speaking positivity, praying for them, or simply saying nothing. I have had to learn this over the years. Be quicker to hear than to speak.....you learn so much more.

Daydreaming: To float away from Reality

        

I am such a daydreamer, been that way my whole life. At first I think it was just having a big imagination and a creative mind, but now I am abusing Mr. Daydream, for all the wrong reasons. Reality Sucks! There isnt enough that I enjoy in real life so I escape too often to daydream land. Even something as simple as a change of situation is easier to see. Maybe If I daydream enough something will come true, because after all God knows the desires of your heart. I think ill start saying out my mouth what I want, declaring it to come to pass. Speaking it into existence is only part one though, making those dreams come true is a whollleee notha story. Here are some of the things I dream about.....

Who doesn't right? And usually im winning it because of course reality self is slightly lazy, but thats the good part about daydreaming, it doesnt take years to get rich lol.The crazy part is in my daydream im giving it away to friends and family lol. I want to have so that I can give, but ultimately money is not everything and you have to have your mind and spirit right above all else. It would be nice though......

Yeah yeah i know, I just moved from there over a year ago, but Cali is my second home and quite frankly I think more like a Cali girl than I do Detroit girls ( whom rarely think at all smh). My mentality just isnt that of a Michiganders anymore. Everyone here is so damn angry. Honestly I could have moved back If i really wanted to, but I dont want to go back with no plan, and no money, i will be in the same place I was when I left there....only worse. I want to move back in better circumstances, and would love to live in or near L.A.. Plus I just miss my family there.

Another thing I miss is working in the photography industry. I miss the shoots. I would love to intern for someone ( serious inquiry) or be able to buy my own camera and do it as a hustle. Photography isnt a big dream of mine, just a hobby I love, especially the shoot directing part. I often daydream of interning for some cool and well known photographer....that would be fun.

Now music,......Music is a real life dream of mine. To be a big name writer and producer, and its the ONE thing that has actually been in process on and off for years. I sing, I write, and I can even make beats if you give me a few days. I always see myself writing hits for big name artist and making millions (because the writers make ALL the money, after the labels of course). I also kind of want to groom artists who have the talent but not the "look" or etiquette to become an artist. This will happen, I dont care if it takes me 10 years ( i hope the hell not though).

I need a reason or nah? Thought i'd leave off on a happy note.......Idris Elba might be the most far fetched daydream but im speaking him into existence too! Lol!

Dear God, Idris Elba in my living room worshipping the ground I walk on would be awesome, thank you and Amen! :-) 

Fasting For Dummies

Okay so, today is the end of my fast. Ive learned that fasting should be sacred between you and God so you shouldnt blast it or talk about it with others too much, which is why I chose not to talk about it until it was over. I will try not to be long winded with this post.

The reason im writing about my fast is because ive NEVER been good at fasts, especially food ones. This time ive chosen to do a fast where I log out of all social networks after 5pm everyday and dedicate more time to God and being productive. Usually most fast to recieve something from God, spiritual fullfillment, a breakthrough on lifes challenges, or even something material. Mine was more for spiritual growth and just to break free from having the first thing on my mind be "lemme check my fb and instagram". I dont want social networking to make me self obsorbed and needy to peoples approvement through pics and stauses.

This fast was hard, EVERYDAY i clicked the apps and had to click out of them lol. This is how i know the fast was needed. What I barely did while on this fast was pray. I mean I prayed when i had the urge to log in but thats it. I listened to a few sermons, did a little studying of the word, but it just wasn't enough and i feel that I missed the purpose. I do feel there was some results. Ive barely looked at instagram and I dont take as many pictures lol. Next week I want to try again starting monday and this time no logging IN until 5. This way I wake up with prayer and studying my word on my mind. I am not good at praying, I talk to God but I have trouble putting into words what I would like to pray about. My prayers are very generic, which lets me know I need spirtual growth. I just want people to know that food is not the only way to fast. Whatever is a true sacrifice in your eyes is what you should fast on. Next month I want to try fasting on food, which will take alot of prayer, but I have to conquer it and grow closer to God. But I will def research some tips to help me through it. I just felt the need to express how bad at fasting i was for anyone else having trouble with it. In the end God acknowledges that you tried and he loves you no matter what you do or how long. Just knowing that you want to sacrifice for him is enough.

Good day folks :-)