So..... I know I haven't blogged in ages, I'm well aware of that. I always say i'm going to blog more, and I don't. I wont say that anymore because it is simply too much pressure (lol) but I will say that this experience deserves a blog, and anything that deserves a blog, will get one.
Now on to the real reason we are here.....or I am here, or whoever is reading is here. This week I got a week vacation away from work. I had the vacation planned out for weeks, but this week, this week was just so off. Being an introvert I am so used to being alone, it is of FIRST nature for me. There are millions of reasons I do things alone, and most of them have everything to do with being an introvert, but something about doing this getaway that I am currently on just felt so.......wrong. Upon booking the trip I was excited, just me, myself, and I, hanging out somewhere that isn't at home, but this week I truly asked myself "Is this what you really want?".
I was so anxious this week, on top of the fact that I was sick out of the blue, but literally the day that I left on my way to the train station I had a full on Anxiety attack, noone would have ever known, including me, because of who I am and my ability to remain calm, but I seriously almost yelled out three times to turn around and take me home........ which brings me to realization #1 I have realized that I suffer from anxiety attacks, only from looking up symptoms and realizing I had went through it hundreds of times, only this time was so severe that I needed to figure out what was wrong with me. I knew whatever was wrong with me was rooted in fear. I started to think the worse "What if i get on the train and die" "What if I get there and get more sick" "What if I get robbed of all my money" this may all sound ridiculous but I thought doomsday would come if I left, but I pushed myself, I pushed myself harder than I ever had.
I have went plenty of places alone, and Im always anxious about it but because it is somewhere simple like, the mall, or to the store, I just thought it was me being my careful cathy self.......but nope, its much more serious, and although I am not fully ready to take claim to anxiety attacks because I have enough going on with me (introverted behavior, awkward black girl behavior, and other things) I am now very sure that it was deeper than fear of going somewhere alone. I wasnt prompted to check into what was going on until I received a phone call that bothered me a little but I had a full on anxiety attack about it.....it literally was not even that serious, and yet my body reacted on its own.
Fast forward. Here I am enjoying myself, everywhere I have went I have gotten there safely, sure I feel a little lonely, wishing I had a friend to experience this cool place with, but I am so relaxed, and I have explored a side of myself that I fear the most, and that is spontaneous me. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that God has given me discernment, so if something doesn't feel right I want to pay attention to that, but the spirit led me to check on why I felt sick and anxious for a reason and I believe he wanted me to know that sometimes I don't do things because he is guiding me not to, but most times it is because I am fearful of it. Anxiety attacks, from what I have read, are deeply rooted in fear and it is a mental thing, although they can occur with no reason, it is always because that fear lives in you.
Realization #2, I do not trust God enough. I thought that I did, and it is something i tell people all the time, but I am always worried and always careful and always......well introverted, because I live in fear, fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear that walking out the house will end in my dimise, and while it most certainly can, I still cannot control how and when I die, so I have to live while I can. I am not cured......at all, I am still introverted and will always be, but this trip that I forced myself to take shows me my strength, even if I am only maybe 3 hours away from home (which is another reason I knew something was severly wrong with me, I mean who fears a trip that barely leaves home?). If only yall knew how hard I pushed myself, I postponed the trip a day due to sickness but as soon as I did I felt better, which showed me that I was mostly scared.
I really just want to live my life, of course I want to make it past the age of 29 also, but I cannot go through life in the house for fear of dying.I dont even know why I have such a fear of death, maybe because I haven't really been exposed to it. All of my close family is alive and well, right on down to my 86 year old grandmother. I have a great understanding that life is not promised, so much so that everyday I fear leaving home, but i just can't do this anymore. its like the more I pushed myself to do this, the more scared I got, and I still won't feel all the way comfortable until I am back home, but this is a great start, this is a great epiphany!
My next post will be pictures of my trip and a few of the things I did, just because I feel that this should be documented.......the first time in my life I took a trip alone, and the destination had not one soul that I knew.
Now if I could just apply this same push to other parts of my life, like my career (which I am fully struggling with right now because my heart does not want to be where I am, but my mind is not ready to move) and love (which I have yet to even experience outside of Christ and Family).....I think I would finally be normal..... People don't realize that what may seem so simple in their life, something that everyone has, someone else finds to be not normal. There are so many things that normal people experience that I have yet to know anything about, and I guess that's okay, because that's what makes me different, but there aint NOTHING wrong with normal. I crave normal.
