Have you ever cried for 5 days straight?

I have......

This morning I was awake but my eyes were still shut, my first thought was how I played a card game called 500 with my grandmother almost every day, and got jealous if someone else sat down to play with us. Now my eyes are open, and I am in tears. 

Yesterday (Sunday the 6th) I ran across a video of my grandma on my aunts page. I cried for a good 20 minutes because it was just a few days before she passed. She didn't really want to eat, we all knew then it was only a matter of time.

Saturday the 5th, I woke to memories of her again, and I cried. I cried seeing all of my family on facebook sharing statuses and photos. I cried after I hung up from talking to my cousin about how she broke the news to her daughter that her best friend was gone. Why should a 6 year old have to endure this kind of pain, and yet she got more life preparation than I did when it comes to death in the family. I knew nothing of it until now. My anxiety was on 1000.

Friday the 4th, I instantly woke up to tears. I cried while getting dressed, and I cried while having breakfast. The first official day without Leana. At work that whole day I was outside of myself. I did not cry, and I faked a smile or two. My co-workers came and hugged me while I helped members on the phone. They don't even know how much I needed that. But I said nothing. I got home, in my comfort zone and cried, for hours.

November 3rd 2016. I cried the hardest that morning. I was ready for work, had gotten myself in a good mood, and then there was the phone call that took my breath away. I cried, called my job and my mother to check on her. After that call I dropped slowly to the floor like a child having a temper tantrum in tears. I laid there awhile and cried my heart out. My next thought was to get up and go check on my auntie who had delivered the news and happened to live right next door. She was fine. From there I arrive to her home where she was still there.....lifeless. It was quiet, nothing but tears and sorrow filled the house. I broke down before I could even make it to her room to see her laying there as a shell, no life in her. One of my aunties in the bed with her hugging her face. That whole day every single one of my family members broke down, and when one was done breaking down, they would build the strength up to hold someone else as they broke down.

The funeral home shows up to take her away, and my brother just barely makes it in the door. He breaks down like I have never seen before, I can remember his tears being so big I could see them fall to the floor. I tried to be strong for him, knowing we weren't on the best of terms, but in my mother's absence it was my job to hold him up. I led him to her room so he could get one more glance of her before she was taken away. I watched men in my family that I haven't seen cry since children be broken down. I watched my whole family gather around that van with my grandmother closed up inside , and they cried even harder. There was no one to hold so many of us up, so we all allowed ourselves to lose it.

After that we cracked jokes and brung up old memories because its not like a Roberson to not crack a joke, even in the saddest moment. It was the roughest day probably of all of our lives and we still found the time to laugh. We laughed in her honor, because she was the funniest, feistiest, loudest, lady alive.

It has been 5 days since my grandmother left this earth and to say that I am devastated is an understatement. Yes I know she was 87 years old, and yes I know that death is natural......but this one, this one is hard to swallow.

Never in my life have I felt a love so unconditional than that of my grandmother, not a selfish bone in her body when it came to me or anyone else. I waited for the day to come when she would no longer be around dreading it, knowing that the kind of love she has for me no one else has outside of Jesus. And only Jesus knows what a blow this is to my family, hell, even to other families.

30 years of life and not one family death. That is 30 years of life taking for granted everyone that I love. Why would God give me so much time to not really grasp the concept of grief, that kind of sheltering isn't healthy. Yet I dare not question what isn't for me to understand.

I've dealt with two deaths this year. One of a dear friend, and the other my whole life..... my grandma. 2016 is a year I want to forget. Some good things have occurred and we always hope that the good outweighs the bad, but in this case, I have nothing left to give to this year. I just want a new one. My goals have changed. All i want is to be a better person so that I can make it to heaven and see my granny again.

Things are different now. I feel like I should be somewhere better, doing something else. Instead of here...... by myself....crying.

To anyone dealing who has dealt with grief that I wasn't so sensitive to, i'm sorry. I  now understand. I never knew such a pain existed, but I pray for strength everyday. Strength for me and my family, and the peace to simply move on.

R.I.H Grandma Leana Roberson

Brian

The World suffered a loss in the past week, even worse then me, because at least I got a chance to know my friend, at least I got the chance to learn him and know what he likes and dislikes, at least I got the chance to learn how big his heart was, but in the end, his big heart wasn't enough for someone else. Someone who thought it was okay to take his life if they couldnt fully have his heart, and their selfishness has left me in grief.....me and so many others.

I cannot get over this, I cannot shake it, some days I barely think about it, and then im awaken to his last minutes playing in my head, even if I wasn't there I have a vision of his last moments, and I am livid, I am angry, I am so hurt. I'm also scared. I'm scared I will lose all my memories of him, i'm scared I will lose another person in my life before I get a chance to finish grieving this loss.

I feel like I am not allowed to smile, yet that is all he would want me to be doing. I feel that how dare I ever again take life so loosely knowing that there is someone who will never get to live again. I feel so sorry for my friend, I hate that he had to die the way that he did, so helpless, in pain. I keep making up scenarios in my head as to what would have happened If I was there that day, or if I had invited him to my house to hang out so he would not have had to be there.

But God has a plan, I don't know it, and I can't say I like it, but what God says goes, and he has his reasons for everything, and maybe......just maybe, heaven needed Brian more than I did. 

The baby of Team Legal, the shadiest of them all, my petty spirit animal who was not afraid to think he was the finest thing walking, and if you didn't think you were beautiful, he would tell you that you were. Brian I miss you so much........I cannot understand this for the life of me. I cannot fix my mouth to say that this was fair. Even a week later I can't shake it. To know I will only see you through still photos, 15 second videos, and my memories simply isn't enough.

Until we meet again my friend, and I hope the rumors arent true, that when you get to heaven you don't remember anyone......I hope right off the back I know who you are, and that we can go back to throwing shade and laughing.

Please come back......

P.S. Shade the bear is doing great. I hug on him everyday. That day at Dave & Buster's I named him after you for fun, we joked that Shade would be your Godchild because you were not getting one from me anytime soon. I had no idea that this stuffed bear would become so sentimental, and if anyone touches shade....I will take them out.

Hey 2016

Well of course I had to blog at least for the New Year!

If you are reading this then you can readily assume that I made it to the new year just as you have. I feel extremely blessed this January 1st. I have a lot to look forward to. Last year I did some new year's resolutions and I met some of them and some I didn't. This year I have just a few, a very small few. 2015 was actually nice to me, it wasn't overly generous but it was nice. It was such a "wait out" year, I had to wait for so many things to take place, so I guess it was a test of my patience. I remember saying 2014 was a year of revelation and understanding, and learning. Once I was done learning and I remember not hating 2014 but being happy to see it go. It isn't the same for 2015, of course I've had my moments because I suffer from some introverted behaviors, but I can say I enjoyed 2015. I took my first trip alone, I got TWO promotions, I had my graduation....all accomplishments for me. I also had some tough moments at the very beginning and near the end but God has saw me through it. I also realized that once I got on my feet people didn't see it for me as much anymore because I have not been able to be the shoulder or helper when I'm too busy trying to do something for myself, a lot of people have switched up on me, and some have surprised me not offering the same support that I have given a million times over. I used to be so TEAM EVERYBODY ELSE, and the minute I became team me people got a little......different. Overall I am okay. I am close to happiness, not quite there but once I realized happiness was up to me I took some steps forward instead of backwards and I can truly say I am officially a grown woman.

BTW

Did I mention I made over 1000 Views??? I mean sure enough my blog has been up and running for almost two years, but I rarely blog, maybe once every few months so that's a big deal to me, especially since my blog started off just to be a diary of some sort. I think its cool, some day a bunch of introverts will run across my blog and understand over all where I was coming from, but now on to my three or four little resolutions for 2016.

1. Stop Complaining: I remember coming home from California and telling a certain someone that they complained too much, now I don't know if it is just the natural spirit of Michiganders to complain or what, but I have most certainly let that spirit jump on me and I am so mad about it. I remember just being so thankful that I wasn't in the same position that I had left so I was very humbled and just didn't understand complaining, I want to get back to that. It made me so much more pleasant.

2. Fight laziness: I want everything to come easy to me. Daily I make jokes with my coworkers that the things I complain about having to do are "First World Problems" Meaning America has it bad complaining about doing the most simple things yet other Countries have to do so much more and would kill to have it that easy. Just little things like walking pass a piece of paper on the floor continuously and never picking it up.....its so dumb, but I can be lazy. I also always have these grand ideas about what I am going to do and then never do them because it takes too much research and too many steps. I don't want to miss any blessings playing around with laziness.

3. Be more positive: I want to look forward to work, look forward to waking up in the morning, to the future, to everything. I had a way more positive outlook on life two years ago, maybe because I was banking on the hope, faith, and prayer that life would get better, and now that it has I'm not even humble about it. I just want God to have the glory when it comes to my life, if it had not been for the lord I don't know where I would be.

4. The all time favorite, get healthy: This is on everyone's list, but for the last few months my health has been questionable, I mean I have always been a sick kid, but I haven't been feeling well a lot, and Anxiety has kicked up so many notches in life I have meds for it! I need some zen, some green tea, some veggies, vitamins, and fruit because something is off. I just want to take better care of myself.

That's about it for me. I just want to keep doing what I have been doing and keep my relationship with God strong, which I have kind of been slacking on. We all fall short I guess, but continue to pray for me if you find the time, and if you are reading and haven't entered your season yet, just know that it comes with time.....all things do.