Pandemic Anxiety

Yall Ever had Pandemic Anxiety?

Yeah me either...

I cannot even begin to describe what I am going through but I try not to complain seeing as how many people are losing loved ones and grieving right now. I must say, I am silently suffering.

You would think this would be an introverts dream...but not so. Sleep has become dreaded at night with a mixture of the shakes from my inhaler and shakes from anxiety. As i try to doze off i think about the many stories I've read of deaths due to the corona virus. The numerous stats of each city, state, country, and region running through my mind. The thought of my mother working in a senior citizen property while also being middle aged constantly on my mind. My own health tricking my mind. Am I sick? Is it Allergies? Is it Rona? Lord please dont let it be Rona, but no, I wake up and I'm fine, but by night, I'm worried again. 

As I enter day 11 of Quarintine I am starting to think that I am not strong enough for this. My mental state is not set up for this. My heart is too big  to see people in my family possibly leave this earth because of a virus. I never received training for this, where is the handbook? How will I ever come out of this okay? I've said this before but I feel like the sister on "Secret life of the bees" who bared the grievances of others, so much so that she took her own life after it became too much for her. I have always understood her. Having a desire to fix things knowing you cant for the people you love is a hard cross to bare. I'd much rather it be me.

Did I mention I left my job 3 days before this was considered officially a state of emergency? Can you imagine leaving income and benefits to try and find purpose and live out your dreams, to live a life, only to be told to sit in the house...

. alone, for weeks on end, with no income. Part of me believes God was removing me before I was forced to work around sick people while having asthma, the other part feels like this is just my luck.

I want to stay in good mental health, I want peace, I want to maintain sanity but I dont know how, I want to be the strong who feel comfortable leaving their home, who have all the faith in God. My faith is so limited and I feel like I keep trying to activate a super power that I dont have. This thing has me crippled mentally. One day I'm fine, and optimistic, but the realist in me has me fearful the next day. I am a prisoner in my own mind and I simply want to be set free.

Panic has wrecked havoc on the world thanks to media, government, and pure word of mouth. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to be one of "those" people who are basically losing it, but forgive me for dealing with depression and anxiety through a global pandemic. Were all a bit new at this,I try to allow myself to think that this is an over exaggeration and that it's not as bad as what is being reported, but I'm just not built that way.

 I'm logical, which leads me to read every report, article, and youtube conspiracy video, I want to know everything which is what has caused me to be in the unstable emotional state that I am in now. God knew what he was doing by not giving me children through this. I'm not sure how I'd deal. 

God is good though, i force myself to remember this, that regardless to what happens he kept me this long and i want to be grateful regardless of the outcome. My prayer is that I come out of this mentally whole, with a healthy and happy family. It simply cant go any other way. I fear my lack of strength is what could be the death of me more than any virus could ever be. 

2020...whatever it is I did, I'm sorry, please have mercy. God have mercy on us.