So......today Marks the 3rd year since I left California. I didn't really reflect the last two years because there was no reason to, I was too busy trying to get myself together to go back to such a negative moment but this year was different. When I read back the statuses leading up to leaving I realized I was extremely unhappy, and in a not so good place. I remember feeling a whole helluva lot of weight lifted off of my shoulders when I made the decision to leave. I remember being so excited to get back to home, to more of a support system. I felt soooooooooooooo alone in that time, I remember thinking that I really didn't deserve to feel THAT alone, and yet I kind of preferred it. I'd rather be REALLY alone then have people around me and STILL be alone.
Fast forward and......I am in a similar situation, yet so much more prepared, so much more mature, and a bit more established. Its crazy how a little hurt and downfall prepares you for the NEXT time it happens even though you prayed hard to God that you would never have to feel that way again. There is going to be a shift in my life, with just as much in the "Unknown" Department as three years ago, but I've come to terms with it. I've come to terms with the fact that it will ALWAYS be just me and God.
I wish I was happier, I wish I was more confident in my future, truth is i'm not, but I know that with God I'm good over here. I am YEARNING for increase and GOOD change......and I know it starts with me.....I just wish I KNEW where to start. In just two-three months I will be hitting 30 years old. What I asked God for in turning 30 is sort of what I'm getting, but not exactly how I asked for it......such is life I guess.
I feel a little blindsided......I can't understand for the life of me why I have to learn things the hard way when I am such an understanding person, it doesnt take much for me to "Get It". There are people out here living hard and wild, who don't listen and probably never will.....but me......someone who has been a careful Kathy my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.....has to get the life lessons in such a ridiculous way. I hate questioning God because it always makes sense in the end......but in the moment, it just never feels good.
Anyway, three years later I am in another season of change......Lets see how this goes.
I feel a little blindsided......I can't understand for the life of me why I have to learn things the hard way when I am such an understanding person, it doesnt take much for me to "Get It". There are people out here living hard and wild, who don't listen and probably never will.....but me......someone who has been a careful Kathy my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.....has to get the life lessons in such a ridiculous way. I hate questioning God because it always makes sense in the end......but in the moment, it just never feels good.
Anyway, three years later I am in another season of change......Lets see how this goes.
