The World suffered a loss in the past week, even worse then me, because at least I got a chance to know my friend, at least I got the chance to learn him and know what he likes and dislikes, at least I got the chance to learn how big his heart was, but in the end, his big heart wasn't enough for someone else. Someone who thought it was okay to take his life if they couldnt fully have his heart, and their selfishness has left me in grief.....me and so many others.
I cannot get over this, I cannot shake it, some days I barely think about it, and then im awaken to his last minutes playing in my head, even if I wasn't there I have a vision of his last moments, and I am livid, I am angry, I am so hurt. I'm also scared. I'm scared I will lose all my memories of him, i'm scared I will lose another person in my life before I get a chance to finish grieving this loss.
I feel like I am not allowed to smile, yet that is all he would want me to be doing. I feel that how dare I ever again take life so loosely knowing that there is someone who will never get to live again. I feel so sorry for my friend, I hate that he had to die the way that he did, so helpless, in pain. I keep making up scenarios in my head as to what would have happened If I was there that day, or if I had invited him to my house to hang out so he would not have had to be there.
But God has a plan, I don't know it, and I can't say I like it, but what God says goes, and he has his reasons for everything, and maybe......just maybe, heaven needed Brian more than I did.
The baby of Team Legal, the shadiest of them all, my petty spirit animal who was not afraid to think he was the finest thing walking, and if you didn't think you were beautiful, he would tell you that you were. Brian I miss you so much........I cannot understand this for the life of me. I cannot fix my mouth to say that this was fair. Even a week later I can't shake it. To know I will only see you through still photos, 15 second videos, and my memories simply isn't enough.
Until we meet again my friend, and I hope the rumors arent true, that when you get to heaven you don't remember anyone......I hope right off the back I know who you are, and that we can go back to throwing shade and laughing.
Please come back......
P.S. Shade the bear is doing great. I hug on him everyday. That day at Dave & Buster's I named him after you for fun, we joked that Shade would be your Godchild because you were not getting one from me anytime soon. I had no idea that this stuffed bear would become so sentimental, and if anyone touches shade....I will take them out.
