The Introverts Fear of Leading

Today it is on my mind to talk about my lack of WANTING to be a leader

I see this as a problem. Because im an introvert it is custom for me to always want to stand in the background and do what I can do without the pressure of leading a group and having to be responsible for its failure. The funny part is that I naturally have leadership skills, and people naturally ask me how to do things or where to start. 

My dwindling (and I say that because im working on it) fear of rejection and failure makes it hard for me to take charge of many situations, and yet I almost ALWAYS end up in a situation where I am forced to take charge. Just yesterday my class was working on a mock trial. We were split up into Defendants Vs. Plaintiffs, the groups separated to work and I immediately knew what needed to happen, and that me and my home girl Timika needed to take charge and create organization.....and we did, and people liked that we did. With all that positiveness coming from me trying to be a leader,I still have issues with it.

There is so much I want to do, especially business wise. Most people in my program want to be lawyers, meanwhile this program is literally my plan B. I'm not sure I really want anything to do with Law although i've found that i'm pretty good at it. There are so many dreams I have, and Michigan has very few start off resources. In the back of my mind I knew I could start something great, and lead it.......but what if it fails? The unfortunate part of being an introvert I guess.

Failure is just not an option. I wish I knew like-minded people, then maybe I'd be a bit more motivated to get out here and do something great together, I am one who believes there is great power in a team. I'd rather everyone lead on a certain part of a whole goal then lead a whole group by myself..

This is something that I have to get a grip on if I want to own my own business and be great in life. Im 28 and I feel that time is slipping away. I wish I knew of some leadership classes I could take for free, i'm so open to learning and taking in everything I can right now, which is a good thing. I was not in that space a year ago. Maybe i'll google some good books I could buy or rent from the library.

Pray for me as I explore this new obstacle in my personality. I have come so far in how I think, and what I know. Leadership is the newest/oldest part of me that needs work. Now that I know this, its time to attack it head on. 

Springtime Happiness.....

 

This picture is how I feel as of lately......and its weird.

 

 

I don't know if it's springtime, or how well I'm doing in school, or the goodness of God. Maybe all of the above, maybe its the book I've been reading which sort of changed my perspective on life. I have not a clue, but I think I'm experiencing .....dare I say it....Happiness.

 

I'm not quite sure when the last time I felt this way. I feel content yet I don't have much, I feel optimistic in situations that look bleak. I mean I almost wasn't able to go to school this mod and literally shrugged like "Oh well I'll be fine". I feel so capable, and hopeful, and alive. Its so corny but true.

 

Having this feeling makes you want to protect it. Other than anger, we as humans don't ever think to protect an emotion. We protect anger because it's an easier emotion to have, to be angry at the world, to hold grudges, to be unforgiving, to not love, or trust, or understand. That emotion is so much easier, but anger kills a lot faster too. I want to protect my happy moods, I don't like negativity, or anger in my space. Some may feel that I've been weird towards them, it's not that, I just don't want your negativity rubbing off on me.

 

It's like experiencing love for the first time, you want that love so bad that you protect it, you excuse what you know isn't love to keep the half love that is left. I'm not saying I will be excused from trials and problems and off days, but for the most part I am just in a great mood and I plan on protecting that. I almost feel reborn, or like I've had a child I don't want anyone touching.

 

My blogs Purpose has changed

 

When I first started this blog I was in a very negative place, where I knew change needed to take place, and here I am four months later and I'm already different, heck I'm more different than I was two or three weeks ago. I think I've gotten a look into what life is supposed to be regardless of what you have, and I feel privileged because people who have lived so much longer than me still haven't caught that glimpse. I feel favored. To know how to come out of a bad day even better is a great lesson to learn.

 

I have learned how bad everyone has it, and how much they let it affect them. I don't want that to be me. I've learned how happy someone seems on the outside does not portray the inside. I've learned that there are people who have very few reasons to be happy and yet make it their business to brighten up someone elses day. I've learned that people are pretenders because pride will not allow them to let the world know they are struggling (celebrities mostly). These people are so much worse off than me. I've learned how to truly be sold out for God and how not to be ashamed because i'm not everybody else, those same people having worldly fun are suffering and the fact that they will enter heaven only for Christ to not know them makes me feel for them. From a murderer down to a simple pathological liar, I just feel nothing but sympathy.

 

I planned on having my Eureka moment this year, and I have. I can't wait to finally figure out my ministry, I know God is preparing me for that. I can't wait to see where I am spiritually and mentally by the end of this year so I can do a blog one year anniversary just to say "Look how far I have come". I'm praying for healing in my life, increase in my life, and success in my life. God is able.

 

I am now a black Introvert girl in the pursuit of Happiness, not bitterness.
 



Theme Song of this overly corny blog today lol.....