Loss......and lost

Isn't it funny, I went from a post about winning, to a post about losing. Introvert Indeed.

LOSS......


Isnt it crazy how you can be so used to losses that you are always prepared for one, and no matter how much you prepare youself for a loss, it still hits you where it hurts, and then eventually adds a brick to the wall you have been building up.

God has blessed me to come very far, but I consistently seem to prepare myself for the worst. When I first started my job, I literally gave myself four months to find something else because I did not believe in myself enough to be able to keep the job, in my mind, anything could happen, the worst could happen. Here I am nine months later, preparing to take a trip once receiving my first 40 hour paid time off because in just three months I will have been there a YEAR. Even with that coming near I still always prepare for what may never even come. I am such a careful Cathy, and to be quite honest im a scary cat. That uncertainty has kept me so stagnant. 

Being Careful.....

I am so talented, so smart, and I know for a fact if I wholeheartedly went after something I would have it. I just........ I can't let this wall of disappointment down, this expectation for the worst, because it hurts soooooo much more when you aren't a realist. I recently changed my daily prayer, I pray for wisdom, everyday going into my job I pray for wisdom, I pray that if my name comes up when i'm not around God gives me favor. I've watched people who have been on that job for years and who seemed to have it all together just lose it all, and me, nor the person, or the people I work with saw it coming. life is just too unexpected for me to be so free-spirited. Being the cautious person that I am will probably never be a complete free-spirit. I will always want to be prepared, always want to be cautious and use my common sense, but my goodness, I need to free myself enough to enjoy life, enjoy where I am in life, and just be content.

A loss is a Loss, it still hurts.

You have to understand what I have been through and watched others go through. I often discredit myself from the things i've seen happen and how it has affected me. I watched someone I care about lose damn near EVERYTHING, and I just so happened to live with them, so when they lost, I lost too, but because they lost harder, i decided not to complain, or worry about my own hurt, but it affected me, and it taught me not to attach myself to ANYTHING. I try not to even attach myself to immediate family, knowing at an instant they could be gone........ I think my biggest loss so far has been my relationship with my dad. He is a ghost to me, that shows up every now and then to let me know I had another parent, do you know I recently had a graduation that my father DROPPED MY SISTER OFF TO BUT DID NOT ATTEND??? Can imagine how hurtful that was to me? For him to not think enough of me to at least see me walk across the stage and THEN LEAVE? Man....... That was a hard one. We were so much closer than that, it killed me......straight up killed me. I've lost friendships, and then gained them back only to truly never feel the same. I have lost having my own space, and now that I have that back I treasure it, but the wall tells me it could leave at any second. 

LOST.......

I have gained some things too, awareness, relationship with God, maturity, but when you have so many loses, how can you POSSIBLY care about what you have gained?

God help me.

I am so in my flesh lately, back to back depression from never really dealing with my losses, there are up days, but when the down days come they are so down. I have little to complain about and the crazy part is that i'm not alone, people I thought were chilling and living life, suddenly making post about depression and not being okay, and yet.... I feel like the only girl in the world feeling how I feel. No REAL or PRESENT worries.........but that wall.

That wall......