I have......
This morning I was awake but my eyes were still shut, my first thought was how I played a card game called 500 with my grandmother almost every day, and got jealous if someone else sat down to play with us. Now my eyes are open, and I am in tears.
Yesterday (Sunday the 6th) I ran across a video of my grandma on my aunts page. I cried for a good 20 minutes because it was just a few days before she passed. She didn't really want to eat, we all knew then it was only a matter of time.
Saturday the 5th, I woke to memories of her again, and I cried. I cried seeing all of my family on facebook sharing statuses and photos. I cried after I hung up from talking to my cousin about how she broke the news to her daughter that her best friend was gone. Why should a 6 year old have to endure this kind of pain, and yet she got more life preparation than I did when it comes to death in the family. I knew nothing of it until now. My anxiety was on 1000.
Friday the 4th, I instantly woke up to tears. I cried while getting dressed, and I cried while having breakfast. The first official day without Leana. At work that whole day I was outside of myself. I did not cry, and I faked a smile or two. My co-workers came and hugged me while I helped members on the phone. They don't even know how much I needed that. But I said nothing. I got home, in my comfort zone and cried, for hours.
November 3rd 2016. I cried the hardest that morning. I was ready for work, had gotten myself in a good mood, and then there was the phone call that took my breath away. I cried, called my job and my mother to check on her. After that call I dropped slowly to the floor like a child having a temper tantrum in tears. I laid there awhile and cried my heart out. My next thought was to get up and go check on my auntie who had delivered the news and happened to live right next door. She was fine. From there I arrive to her home where she was still there.....lifeless. It was quiet, nothing but tears and sorrow filled the house. I broke down before I could even make it to her room to see her laying there as a shell, no life in her. One of my aunties in the bed with her hugging her face. That whole day every single one of my family members broke down, and when one was done breaking down, they would build the strength up to hold someone else as they broke down.
The funeral home shows up to take her away, and my brother just barely makes it in the door. He breaks down like I have never seen before, I can remember his tears being so big I could see them fall to the floor. I tried to be strong for him, knowing we weren't on the best of terms, but in my mother's absence it was my job to hold him up. I led him to her room so he could get one more glance of her before she was taken away. I watched men in my family that I haven't seen cry since children be broken down. I watched my whole family gather around that van with my grandmother closed up inside , and they cried even harder. There was no one to hold so many of us up, so we all allowed ourselves to lose it.
After that we cracked jokes and brung up old memories because its not like a Roberson to not crack a joke, even in the saddest moment. It was the roughest day probably of all of our lives and we still found the time to laugh. We laughed in her honor, because she was the funniest, feistiest, loudest, lady alive.
It has been 5 days since my grandmother left this earth and to say that I am devastated is an understatement. Yes I know she was 87 years old, and yes I know that death is natural......but this one, this one is hard to swallow.
Never in my life have I felt a love so unconditional than that of my grandmother, not a selfish bone in her body when it came to me or anyone else. I waited for the day to come when she would no longer be around dreading it, knowing that the kind of love she has for me no one else has outside of Jesus. And only Jesus knows what a blow this is to my family, hell, even to other families.
30 years of life and not one family death. That is 30 years of life taking for granted everyone that I love. Why would God give me so much time to not really grasp the concept of grief, that kind of sheltering isn't healthy. Yet I dare not question what isn't for me to understand.
I've dealt with two deaths this year. One of a dear friend, and the other my whole life..... my grandma. 2016 is a year I want to forget. Some good things have occurred and we always hope that the good outweighs the bad, but in this case, I have nothing left to give to this year. I just want a new one. My goals have changed. All i want is to be a better person so that I can make it to heaven and see my granny again.
Things are different now. I feel like I should be somewhere better, doing something else. Instead of here...... by myself....crying.
To anyone dealing who has dealt with grief that I wasn't so sensitive to, i'm sorry. I now understand. I never knew such a pain existed, but I pray for strength everyday. Strength for me and my family, and the peace to simply move on.
R.I.H Grandma Leana Roberson
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