New/Old Meaning to Praising in the Hallway.....

The good thing about Yesterday, is that it really doesn't affect today....

I recently wrote a blog about my pride. I didn't share it, although I meant to because I kind of wanted feedback. Last week was a "struggle week" mostly mentally because I was afraid that I would have to "ask" people for something. My pride just couldn't handle it. After realizing I was being dramatic, I calmed myself down and told myself that If I wanted to be delivered from my pride I would have to exit out of my comfort zone. The very next day after writing the blog I started a book that a buddy sent to me from California (Shout out to Tiff). She told me the book was about the spirit of being Offended. I was SOOOOO excited to finally receive that book because that is another problem that I wanted to be delivered from, after all it is important to know your flaws and ask God for change........

Now.......imagine my surprise (but not really knowing the way God operates) when I crack open the book and the majority of the first chapter talks about how pride works in offense...... It was so weird because it hadn't even been 24 hours since I wrote the blog..... The first chapter forced me to sit back and understand where the pride i Harbor comes from. Really its from Childhood. Since I've always had discernment I always knew what we didn't have, and so I rarely asked for anything, knowing I would be rejected of it, or simply out of consideration I didn't ask so that I didn't come off self-centered. Alot of it was based in rejecttion though. Rejection offends me the most..... So I don't ask for anything.

I thought that was somewhat of a breakthrough......and it was.....but Today I got my whole life.

Today I read chapter 3, and from the first scripture I was hooked. This chapter talked about Joseph, and how his brothers betrayed him, set out to kill him because of the dreams of leadership God had given him. They didn't kill him but instead sold him into slavery and told their father he died. In being in slavery and thrown into jail for years Joseph decided not to be offended by his brothers. What really got me was that in the end his brothers came to him when God put him in leadership needing him, and he gave to them not only what they needed but the BEST of what he had. 

I got super cry baby after reading it, it was inspiring. The way the author wrote of that story and explained how what others mean for your harm is really God allowing it to happen to put you in place for leadership and your calling. Everything I had been dealing with mentally lately just became so clear. Its crazy, People can lie on you, have you put in jail, set out to kill you, beat you, hurt you, break you........and what was meant for harm only strengthens you for where God is taking you. It was amazing to me to have an actual example, of a situation that was so much worse than mine and yet they STILL came out victorious.

Now of course i've heard plenty of times to be content, Gods gonna bring you out....It went in one ear and out the other.... I was tired of hearing that. But that scripture on the picture really resonated with me today......What YOU meant for my harm, God meant for my good......It makes it so much easier to love with the love of God, because no matter what anyone means for me good or bad.....God was STILL using them to put me in a situation to eventually bless me!! Only YOU can allow that harm to be used by satan. It feels great to know that even if its a long while from now I can literally praise God in the hallway because I have the example of Joseph to be inspired by.....knowing that door is going to be opened no matter what the enemy may try. Finally I feel that I can be happy EVEN in bad times.......I have NEVER felt that way before....ever.

I really recommend this book. So many suffer from the bait of offense, people literally SEARCH for reasons to be offended. Never putting themselves in another persons shoes, never realizing people are the way they are for a reason, never using the love of God to understand a situation. I particularly feel that Offense is running WILD in Michigan. Everyone is mad, and offended, and hurt, and selfish because of that hurt, and hurt because they were offended, and offended because they allowed satan to set that trap......Can you imagine honestly being set free from offense??? What joy and happiness will come from that? After offense comes so many other emotions, anger, sadness, insecurities.....man. It is impossible to not be offended, but to be able to control it is awesome. I never cried from four pages in a book, I felt something come over me that I have never felt before. I didn't even see it coming, one minute I was reading and the next I was tearing up. God is indeed good.......and by the way, I actually never ended up having to ask for anything.....God fixed it.

I know this is a long read but I feel really good about what I've learned today because I KNOW that I will be able to use it. I didn't expect my blog to be about my walk with God, and I talk about God a whole lot, but i'm not ashamed of my relationship with Christ.....and if you are then that is a problem that you have not me.

Today more than ever, all I want is to be used by God, and when you say that and mean it you really don't know what you have gotten yourself into because God will do JUST THAT, you'll find yourself somewhere in Africa trying to preach to a village messing around with the Lord lol...but I really mean it. I'm scared a little, but from what I've read today I am so much more prepared and i'm confident that my growth in "situations" will have prepared me for whatever my calling is.

Pride....

Is going to be the death of me....

 

 

 

 

I've watched someone literally waste away because of pride, and yet I was not aware how much pride I have myself.

 

God keeps getting the most evil looks from me because I've had to swallow my pride allll week long. It is the hardest thing for me. I just hate asking....I hate needing. And now I may be in another ASKING situation for a whole week and its making me sick. I have to be delivered from this. I am asking God for help on this. The only thing that has ever literally made me feel sick was being around violence or fighting.... I don't like drama and confrontation. I'm way too chill. This pride thing though.....it's killing me

 

If anyone else has had pride issues and come through it

I'd certainly appreciate how you did it. No matter how much I've prayed for it to go away and went ahead and bit the bullet and put my pride aside it is STILL bothering me.

 

How do people take and take with no issue?? I can't do it. My friends think I'm crazy because I HATE asking for things... or taking things. They literally have to MAKE ME or just do it and not even tell me so there's nothing I can do about it.

 

Maybe its rejection im afraid of. Maybe it's the feeling of "Owing" someone.....I can't deal today lol.

 

Introvert Behavior......*shrugs*

The death of a mind: Negativity

Sometimes we let the devil in to cause chaos in our homes.......and then ask him to "keep it down."

A few weeks ago I got into this funk, and never really came out. Even while doing things that were supposed to make me happy ( like shopping, and hanging out) I could feel the "give a care" I had left leaving my body. I had slipped into my depression. Thinking about what I don't have and why the good get looked over. Here are some of the signs that has helped me realize I was in a depression, mayne this will help someone else understand what is wrong with them.

• Wanting to sleep the day away, or wanting to sleep until I felt much better or until the next day
• Rejecting encouragement: There was no amount of "it will get better" to give me mental relief
• Talking to no one. I dont care how çlose we are there was no reason to talk. For me it was useless, and satan wanted me to think no one cared anyway, they were only trying to be nosey.
• Wanting sleep and hating it at the same time. No matter how much I thought sleeping the day away would help I couldnt if I tried. Up at all hours of the night letting my mind wonder.
• Doubting God, does he really love me? Or does he just love others more? Does God even exist? Yes.....that actually crossed my mind. Smh
• Being mean......and snappy.......and dry. Everything irritated me....and everybody. Cant say that this still isnt happening

These last few days I've slowly gotten back to normal, but to be honest I am still at a low mentally. I decided to revisit a book I had bought about a year ago called Change Your Words Change Your Life by Joyce Meyer. It was probably the best thing I had done all week. An excerpt from the book says: 

(If reading from a small mobile device click the picture to read the quote)

I had let satan in and remind me of what Im not and what I cant control, he has been living up there in my brain. I've given him an eviction notice. I've re-directed my thoughts and focus. Negativity is crazy, it causes you to be so many things your not, jealous, rude, snappy, incapable of peace, all that and more. I've found myself speaking negativity into a situation before it even happens, which is a characteristic of the old Tia.

I don't want to "Oppress my spirit" any further. I'm sure my spirit man is saying "Somebody come get this emo flesh up outta here". I'm seeking things I already have, I just have to practice them. Peace, happiness, joy....I have those things, if I so choose to tap into them

I still stand by the notion that you need a pity party, and I KNOW I will have another bad day, or days, but what I speak into those bad days are so important. Being negative has been so detrimental to my mental health, i've literally been killing my mind, weakening it, letting it drift into a perminent sleep.

I want to appeal to people who have been/are feeling like me. Number 1, depression is real, but dont let it become you, do not let it take over. Strengthen your mind, so much so that anything unwanted will send off an alarm. My mental alarm has been off. Number 2 YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER UNCONTROLLABLE CIRCUMSTANCES. You have to SIT in that truth......what you DO have control over is how it all effects you, and for how long. I had totally let satan in and rebuked him at the very same time, asked him in and then got mad when he broke things, turned the radio up loud, and ate everything in my refridgerator. Satan is that of an unwanted guest. He had to go.

Be careful who you hang around too, even down to parents. Sometimes their negativity rubs off, sometimes that person who you vent to adds their negative problems to yours, and then your two negative peas in a pod, being ugly and negative together. God is not the author of confusion, so even though you dont understand your situation understand that it is in the plan. It will make sense eventually, and if it doesnt, just know it was neccessary.

I have to apologize to God. Even though he doesn't need my apologies. I pray and still worry, I think right only to turn around and think wrong. I read my bible only to take three day breaks and allow satan in, and I'll probably do all those things again. Thats the awesome thing about God and being a Christian, he knew we'd never be perfect, and yet he takes us back everytime.

I'm now going to watch Captain America and eat apple pie...... :-)

Choose PEACE over PROBLEMS

Pity Party

Can I just say how much I hate this season i'm in?

Not weather season, but a season of my "journey". I woke up to some news that has me sad, upset, and frustrated. As I processed this news, I was literally flooding my brain with reasons why its not that big of a deal, why it will be okay, why God is still good. I dont want to take this mood with me for the rest of the day.... i cant, I have finals and I need to focus.

However......

I need my pity party, if only for a moment, an hour, ten minutes, hell a day. I dont let my pity moments go past a day because I simply can't afford to dwell. 

I'm tired y'all.......

Im so over this, so over being the girl that I am, tired of wondering when i'm going to catch a break. I know God is working, at least I think I know. The news itself was bittersweet actually, but when youre soooooo tired......sooooo tired of things going left its hard to see the "little bit" of right. What i'm feeling right now is not even allowed because I know how well God has kept me, but I just feel that I am allowed a pity party. After I push publish on this post...... I will go on with my day and simply get over it, The devil isnt allowed to keep me down....... 

But im saying all this to say mostly for someone else. Do not allow yourself to never sit in a moment and be over it, and cry, and say why. This is how everything builds up and you end up in a "Columbine situation" . Take that moment to access what you are feeling, but make sure that it leads to freedom from the situation. Make sure it leads to encouragement, make sure it leads back to how good God is even through the trials and tribulations of life. Alot of people teach to be happy and joyous and praise filled in a bad moment......to me, thats just not all the way realistic. Human emotion is not set up like that, it takes practice. I feel that the more you allow yourself just a speck of time to be in your feelings and even more time getting out of them the less you will need a pity party, but it will not come overnight, and if you suppress how you feel trying to be happy when youre not then you will eventually blow up. Just sitting here blogging about how terrible I feel has made me feel better, and that doesnt mean I wont think about this later, it just means im not willing to dwell and let satan win. I have so much to be thankful for. Pity party.....officially over.

"There is no sin in being weary, the sin is in giving up"

~Joyce Meyer~

Why the preacher has more than YOU or the congregation....

Please note that this is purely my opinion, based on what I know about who God is. This isnt supposed to be offensive, but maybe a little clarity.

I have noticed that people who barely go to church, have nothing to do with God or church mention how the pastor and deacons and those who serve the church seem to have more than the congregation. I wont direct this to those that go and serve God because it is my belief that they should know better.

Here is my question to those people.....have you dedicated your WHOLE life to Christ? Is your everyday business Gods business only? Is your mission to spread the gospel? If you answered no....then this is why you dont have what they have. What they have is simple......its called favor, favor for being faithful to God.

When most of the congregation enters church ( and this is my OPINION) they enter with selfish intentions, wanting from God but never giving. And then there is the MYTH that the whole congregation is suffering or broke, just because that is YOUR story does not mean that this is everyones story. I know plenty of blessed and favored church folk, but then again this goes back to your dedication to a relationship with Christ.

There are also those that are confused on how a church is ran and what the tithe and offering is for.....if you believe that the point of tithes and offering was to magically teleport it to heaven, or a burning sacrifice you are sadly mistaken. The church has bills just like your home, and if a man of God is giving his whole life to God and leading the flock then he has to be taken care of and that is why some preachers recieve a salary, but ALOT of preachers still have a everyday job just like you and me. The point is not to take from us and live a better life. God finds many ways to take care of his people. Do not assume that all money goes to the preacher.....that is another Myth.

Dont get me wrong, I believe there are a few Mega church preachers that are getting over on Gods people, looking at church as a way to gain a following and money for power, don't worry about them, their day will come, and as a Christian you are still supposed to love on and pray for them.....yes...love and pray, even for your enemies. Even with those snakes amoung us this is once again not everyones story. You cannot decide that all preachers are the same. There are hundreds of preachers living a normal scaled down life and are yet STILL more blessed than you. 

Worry less about why the preacher has what he has because there is a reason for that, and no FALSE PROPHET will make it to heaven. We all have a journey to take. If you believe that the church is wrong, or that preachers are getting over on people stop TALKING about it and be about it. I can sit at home and read my bible and pray all day, but being faithful to him is to go out and spread that message the best way I can and if you arent doing that then why do you call yourself a Christian? Trust me, I am not doing half of what I should be doing to serve God, thats my own fault. I dont blame anyone for that, especially a preacher, im not perfect, noone is, and I dont expect to have more than someone who is more dedicated to Christ than me.With that being said, when I find the opportunity to tell someone about God I try to take it, and for that I have good favor alot of days.Instead of running your mouth on Gods people and tearing them down for having what YOU  lack how about you Build your own church, learn God for yourself and be a better Christian, but dont be mad when someone who has dedicated their whole life to the Lord is clearly more favored than you......

Because after all......favor ain't fair......especially to those called but not chosen

Dismissive Attitudes: Oh your ignoring me? Here, let me help you

(Note: I wrote this over a week ago. Two days later i came across a similar situation AGAIN so this recently applys, although in the moment it didnt.)

First I just want to say, its never felt so good to be in my feelings, express them, and move on with my day. This blog is like therapy for me. The last blog I posted helped me to not dwell on it. I keep so much bottled up, and writing about my experience gave me freedom I dont usually feel. So today I am in my feelings again.

I couldnt figure out for the life of me why It always feels like I am being ignored, why I may comment on things and people intentionally ignore me. Do these people have something against me? Whats the issue? Did I kill ya cat or dog? Hell hit me up and let me know! I always feel dismissed. Even when im talking I feel like im always fighting to get my words out, especially around more out going extrovert people. My first mind is to help you ignore me. I get ghost, i must admit I can take a hint like no other, and If I start to feel dismissed you will more than likely never hear from me again. Since High School ive made it a point for people to know I wont follow behind them like a lost puppy craving attention, i'd rather stay to myself than kiss butt. Ultimately I am easily offended and thought that  people are out to make me feel small and dismissed.

But let's get to the real issue

I realize that its not them, its my insecurities. Half the time people dont realize what their doing. I am so used to the feeling of being dismissed. My shyness never allowed me to command an audience, or the attention i THOUGHT I needed. I grew up around so many loud people, and honestly, my family is only JUST starting to learn me and my opinions. People tell me all the time " Tia I didnt know you were so smart". Im finding my voice so late in life, but the feeling of being dismissed still lingers.

I must be real though, I cant stand dismissive people. Those who dismiss your feelings, your hurt, your emotions all together. Dismissive people are usually very self-centered. Never caring how their actions or words affect others. Ask people who have ever felt suicidal and nine times out of ten they will tell you that they felt they had no one to talk to because their feelings are always dismissed.

Its like if your a child and your used to being told "shut up and stay in a childs place". Then something tragic happens and you are not given the avenue to say how it affected YOU as a child. You grow up thinking your opinion and feelings is invalid. You tell someone "Im not feeling like myself today, I feel down" and someone else says "Girl you'll be okay, I have down days too but I gotta keep it moving". And I really hate to hear "You'll get over it". Folks....please stop telling people that, even if its true, even if this is how you truly feel. Learn to LISTEN, and not listen to hear but Listen to UNDERSTAND.

Honestly I'm over dismissive people, but I also don't want to be so in my feelings that I mistake a simple over sight as ignoring me. I want to be delivered from being so offended in that, most times people mean well, but i think it is the realist in me that knows people are petty and sometimes are ignoring you, or looking past you because they dont see you as important. Its hard to figure out which is which, but that really isnt my job. My job is to be so secure in myself and who I am that I no longer feel dismissed or ignored.  

The introvert in me has created a shell that causes me to put up a wall when I feel dismissed, but people are just.....people. They are not Jesus, they are not obligated to consider or hear out my feelings or give me attention. It would be awesome to let alot of things just roll off my shoulder as if it never happened....easier said than done. I am praying for that deliverance

Father, Daughter Relationship: Your Role as Father

(Picture was funny to me)

Well....I said I would speak more freely using this blog, and I may get into a little trouble with this one, but it is what is on my heart so, here it goes.

 

 

Yesterday for the first time in maybe 6 years I saw my father.....and to be honest, it was quite uneventful. What I thought would be met with more enthusiasm from my father seemed more like hesitation and awkwardness (if that is a word). It wasn't what I expected, although I'm not quite sure what I expected because he has not changed since I've been born. Very quiet, a lot like me. Maybe I was expecting the reaction I got after seeing him for the first time when I visited home from California after being gone a year back in 05. He was so genuine in how happy he was to see me.

For some reason I told myself I should get over it because at least he was there in my childhood and that is the most a girl can ask for......that is ridiculous. I think i'm allowed to be a little hurt that our relationship is a tad strained because a girl should have her father for her whole life. I also told myself that at least he is still heavily involved in my siblings lives, but why should I go without?

This is less about me though, it is what it is. This is more of what all women feel when missing out on a father throughout life, or having a "weird" relationship if one at all. We are so dismissed as if a father not being around to do as expected is not a big deal. It is a big deal. We are told that if he does a little we should be thankful for that. When I think of a father I think of my father in heaven......or Will smith lol. My father in heaven is not half as visible as my earthly father, and yet I feel his love so much more often.

If nothing else a father's role is to love his daughter more than any man will. His role is to show his daughter what security, protection, and worthy treatment to a woman looks like. To give discipline but in a manner that is a lesson learned, not a beating because you like beating. So if a woman does not get this, what can you expect from her? Choosing unstable men, chasing after what she wants so bad but knows it will never be, feeling unprotected and not have the ability to trust, taking beatings from men because that's what they think they deserve (and that is usually women who have no father or a father who is abusive). This Ladies and gentlemen is the state of women in America now. You know at LEAST 10 women with one of those traits if not all. And then good men are left to suffer with either CLINGY women, or DISTANT women. Meanwhile the "other" men are left with plenty of weak women to choose from.

I just wish men would take ownership of their role, call your child, give her advice, give her attention, show her that she is worthy. It really is never too late. Get out of your pride, and your feelings. Being tough is cool until your 70 years old, and lonely, because you didn't invest your time into loving what is RIB OF YOUR RIB. What good is your legacy if you have no one to leave it to, what good is your name when you walk to the gates of Heaven and God does not know you to be his because you did not do what was right while on earth by your own children? Should God treat you how you treat yours?

I also want to appeal to women, be careful who you choose to be the father of your children, granted people change, but you have TIME to figure out what you want your child to be like. There are qualities in a man that show you whether he would be a good father or not. A good father whether he ends up hating YOU later or not will still be a good father. Stop the cycle. Stop sticking us girls with people who don't love us, or don't know how to show that they love us. People think that folks who don't have children and a million boyfriends after damn near high school are weird or not the norm. I find it weird going from man to man, giving away pieces of your heart and soul, to simply be left hurt, with hurt children, is even more weird and out of the norm. Ya'll can have that.

Despite my feelings towards yesterdays reunion, I know that I will always try......because I am supposed to honor my mother and father no matter who or where they are in life. This is for my own good, this is for my relationship with Christ to still be good. I want to be a good daughter to my father in heaven more than anything, so i'll keep trying. Keep reaching out, keep getting my little feelings hurt when I don't get a Christmas or Birthday phone call, just to simply wish me well, having faith that one day it will get better.