Feeling Some kind of way.....

I wish that feeling "Some Kind Of way" was an explainable feeling. I hate that emotion specifically because it is un-explainable. It is an emotion that cannot be fixed immediately. The most you can do is pray it away.

I think that feeling "Some kind of way" may actually mean that you have EVERY emotion, and you don't really know how to sort them. Your happy, but sad, but mad, but lonely, but sleepy, but hungry (lol). That emotion is dangerous, it is the one that causes you to think the most.

I have had a week of people talking to me in a manner that doesn't sit well with me, and I already have a build up of anger so any minute someone could see a side of me that I keep hidden. I am very blessed right now, but something is still missing, there are issues still lingering. I still feel alone, even with having newer people in me life who show me love and support, I can never seem to get rid of that lonely feeling.

I had come so far in being able to control my emotions, my expectations, and my quickness to be offended, but I feel a relapse coming on. I feel a personality in me stirring that has come with age, and its called "Fed Up Girl". Lately, everybody irks me, everybody seems untrustworthy, or have motives that don't have my, or other peoples best interest at heart. I used to look at people and give them the benefit of the doubt, now, I look through people.

The inability for humans to act right makes me treat them like a species different from mine. I can never understand why people just cant........do right. But then again it isn't for me to understand, all I know is that "People" have become my greatest annoyance, but I can't control others. The things people do, the way people are. It is hard for me to enter a new area in my life and trust it, because where people are involved it is always a flip of the coin.... 50/50. 

I've been praying about these feelings, because it is causing me doubt in areas in my life I was very sure about just a few months ago. I know that being a girl doesn't work out in my favor because we are automatically emotional, but i've NEVER been an emotional creature, I dont know where all the crying is coming from, the anger, any of it. I like to be able to pin point what is wrong with me and I just can't....... 

maybe everything is wrong with me.

Sometimes you just gotta rock with that.....

Saturday July 27th 2014 R.I.P Trust

Today I feel the need to document that this is the day that trust has died in me. I trust no one but God. Prayer is needed because I just don't get it. I don't like being lied to, but I understand the lies dwell within a disease. I can't be specific, I have no one to talk to about it. I just want to move on from today, knowing that although you love folk, they are who they are, and no matter how much you may want for them, they may never reach that potential. I am literally empty. I live in the midst of other people problems. I realized this a few weeks ago. When It comes to my own issues, i've owned them, i've worked on them, and i've come a long way, it is not my own issues I am completely battling with anymore, it is other peoples issues. This is not okay.

I just want peace, peace of mind, peace in health, peace in spirituality, and it sucks that in order to have peace, I will have to pull it from within, I have to find it through what I consider Chaos around me. I can't simply be on my own, in my own space, in my own world and have peace NOPE, I have to ask God for strength to pull it forward. 

Everyone's motives, issues, words, are given a side-eye from me now, I am sensitive to red flags, almost expert in them. I am forced to do what I should have been doing anyway......ask God about EVERYTHING. In everything go to God in prayer, give it up to him. He is all that I have. I pray that God helps me restore my trust in people, that he sends someone to be in life, be it friend, husband, Colleagues, that is simple, no major issues, just little fixable ones that don't stand to ruin a life. I'm not trying to offend anyone who may have thought they were that person...............I'm just in a very fragile state of mind, and it is truly sad.

Social Media Disdain

I THOUGHT THESE DAYS WOULD NEVER COME

First, excuse my choice of color used for the font, blue is sort of how i'm feeling. I's sick with a cold (or something worse, I will find out tomorrow at urgent care), I am barely getting any sleep,and I have a few things on my mind.

Today I want to discuss my recent disdain for social media. A good 8 years ago you couldn't tell me that Myspace wasn't the best thing since sliced bread, and when Facebook popped off OMG!! Twitter hit and by 2009 I was a slave to social media, tumblr, had to try it, and lets not forget black-planet or crushspot (which I would love to forget). I had tried them all, and like everyone else I'm sure, I thought that being able to find old friends, or communicate with people from all over the world was thee coolest. My best-friend however was over social media almost as fast as it came, and I never understood it, until recently....

Opinions not asked for, pictures you wish you could unsee, people you can't stand fronting to save face of what is really going on, the freedom people have to express hate for what you may love, or love for what you may hate, being bashed or bullied for your opinion, seeing a public display of what you wish you had when in fact, THEY DONT EVEN HAVE IT! Celebrities who you once loved turning out to be horrible in real life, popularity contests, "just how rude can I be" contest, or my fav "I'm an asshole" declarations. The "is she/he or is she/he NOT talking about me in this post?" questions that I and im sure others have when people decide that it would be best to air dirty laundry on the internet, and lastly the inability to mind ones business, but then again it is impossible to mind ones own business on social media. OXYMORON

The above isn't a real paragraph, it is the countless amount of things that are starting to take a toll on me when it comes to social media. I don't use Social Media to hide behind when I want to be a hater, or pretend I have what I don't have, so that people will like me, or so that people will get their emotions ruffled because of me. I use it to socialize, post cool pictures of my hair, and laugh.

It has been a month since I have been on Facebook, and honestly I don't miss it. I always take Facebook breaks but this time is different. I literally don't know the next time i'll indulge. I even logged out of Instagram recently for a good three days which is the one social networking place I thought i could never get tired of. I am honestly over it all. You sort of get lost in it all, you become immune to what you know is unacceptable. All I want to do is write my little blogs, be creative, finish school, and get back into my bible daily. I find it hard to completely let go because, well I was a bit addicted, and what the hell will I do when i'm bored? Is what I ask myself.

I say this often but, people are just weird man...........Chinese food weird. 

You literally have to log into SOMETHING just to reach certain people, and folks love using social media as a way to be "Funny acting". I have always been who I am and I don't understand why others just cant be themselves. I envy people who were not slaves to this mess, who are out living life, and every now and then give a glimpse of how good life is, those are the people REALLY living what they portray. The preciousness of moments are taken because it has to recorded or captured. Everyone has essays and dissertations that they love to write regarding others lives but refuse to see self issues. Men are calling women thots for literally just breathing, and the black mans "global" name has been changed from Tyrone to Dumb-ass Daquan. All because someone decided to put it in a picture, and people get off on this stuff, even if they are no one in real life, that one picture getting a million likes is like......an achievement. Everyone is a model, or producer, or rapper, yet lack simple skills, like spelling. And don't get me wrong, I find A LOT of things funny, my sense of humor is off, and sarcastic, and I'm not downing those who are simply having fun and don't take life too seriously, but all of it TOGETHER, has become too much.

I don't want to be so.....reachable, if that is a word, anymore. I want people to have to call me. I want to emerge every now and then and share how God is blessing my life because I give him the time he deserves (although he does that anyway, even without the time) and then disappear again for a few weeks.

I have never been a girl who likes to be told what to do, especially when it comes to the popularity thing, and i feel that society is now doing that by saying you aren't great if you don't have lots of followers and likes. So with that being said, I am Going to take a legit break from it all. Not just Facebook, or instagram on Sundays, and twitter on Mondays. I want to log into me. I've got zillions of passwords I cant even remember anymore. I want to read some good books, get back to creating, get back to my bible, and only check-in when I truly feel the need to. I want things to go back to the days when phone calls, and letters were the only way to reach anyone. I want to go back to the days where I liked celebrities purely for their talent.

Easier said than done though......

The World will never love me.......here's why.

"They want to see you do good, but never better than them..........."

Okay so, over the past few days, I have been mulling over some things. I've kinda come to the realization that the kind of "love" or "support" or "recognition" that I am looking for out of people will never come like I want it to, especially from people whom I THOUGHT I held close. When I finally get to the place I hold successful, my support will come from new friends, new mentors, new colleagues. The people that will truly believe in me, will not have been around a long time.

 

A while ago I wrote a blog about dismissive people. I thought that would be a blog a lot of people could relate to, but actually very few people will get it, and it will only be the people with true purpose in life and a huge ministry or gift. People do not love me or support me like they say they do, yet they use my ideas, or want me around for what i'm good at (I usually get this when it comes to children or OTHER peoples businesses that they want me to support). I've noticed recently that people don't think I've "Been there done that" when I give my advice (which is ALWAYS asked for) and it really is a gem, folks tend not to listen, or downplay what I have to say, as if I haven't lived 28 years long enough to know SOMETHING. I've always been wise beyond my years, since birth. People don't really see me as a threat when it comes to success, and they don't truly hold my words as valuable.

 

I could not figure this out....at first. Now I see why, there is something about ME that people are afraid of. I think people know that if and when God truly blesses me and brings my purpose and life full circle there will be no stopping me. They don't hold my words valuable because they don't want what I say to be true. They don't want to see me evolve because that means I will have left them behind in life. People are used to surpassing me, to having it a little better than me, its sad but true. I truly believe that a lot of folk I know (and even love) hold themselves at a higher level than me, not because they are, but because if they pretend not to see my potential, maybe, just maybe, I won't reach that potential.

 

Too bad I will...#SorryNotSorry. This is not me tooting my own horn, I have NEVER been that girl, this is me finally realizing just how valuable I am, just how powerful I am. People who barely know me tend to see my light so much brighter than people I've known for years. Its not that they didn't see the light either, its that they have chosen not to, or to ignore it. And the new people who don't like me have no reason, they simply see the light that they don't have.

 

I'm starting to see myself as a threat to others, i'm starting to realize just how dangerous my success could be for others. I smile a little, no more do I look at people and think they are dismissing me because I am nothing, but now, I know they are dismissing me because of who I am. I am a child of God, the world will never love me.

 

Here's where I talk to people who have my same issue. If anyone has EVER told you that it isn't you, "people just have issues" I would like to disagree, IT IS YOU! It is your brain, it is your know how, it is your work ethic, it is your beauty, IT IS YOUR LIGHT! If you are not supported like you should be by folk you think should be supporting you, usually it is because they don't want to see you doing better than them. Tons of men have left their women for doing more, and learning, and evolving. Tons of people have lost friends because those friends didn't know how to grow with them. KEEP GOING, with whatever it is that you are doing, there will be that one person you meet networking, who you have known all of two seconds, that will see your light, brighter than anyone you've known your whole life.

 

At this point in life, I decided to stop supporting folk who cant even thow me a "im proud of you" or "good job at sticking with school and almost being done". Not that I need those comments, but they feel good to hear. Whatever it is that God has for me must be huge, because although people may never say it, they are threatened by my future, and they are threatened by my favor from God.......And they should be.

 

I feel empowered today, a feeling I rarely have, but seeing how people treat me....as if my existence is blurred, shows me just how powerful I will be. So keep fake supporting, keep smiling but then telling other folks what you think I should be doing with me life, keep ignoring the valuable things that God has taught me to share. In a minute, you will have no choice but to see me. And this is to no one in particular....it is to the world.

 

As always, keep me in your prayers!

Epiphany

Hey!

First let me just say.......

I know a few people actually look forward to my posts and read them, and even though I didn't make my blog to impress anyone or for anyone to read, it happened anyway, so I apologize for the lack of posts, guess I kind of felt the need to do that because people look forward to reading it.

Moving on...

So a week back or so, I was thinking about how much I wish I could go out of town and get away, see something new. A few days later at my moms birthday dinner her friend came along, and she talked about how often she just decides to leave town and see something new. She kept saying how it is imperative to see the world, and see what else is out there. That struck a cord in me because I had this yearning to just get out of dodge, leave, just be one with the road. 

This past weekend I watched the movie "The secret life of Walter Smitty" (forgive me if I got the title a little wrong, I'm too lazy to google right now). The movie was interesting, definitely not Oscar worthy or anything, but I literally felt like I was watching myself on the screen. The movie is about a man who daydreams so much that he mixes his daydreams with his reality and people literally have to make him snap out of it. In real life he is a boring Joe shmoe who doesn't have much of a life, and hasn't been anywhere but Phoenix Arizona. He spends alot of the movie daydreaming situations in his life in a different way. Somewhere in the movie he literally just decides to take a chance, take a risk, leave the country, and do things (i'm trying not to give the real plot to the movie away).

I wrote a blog not too long ago about my daydreaming, how often I have to leave my reality to see something better. I feel like a Walter Smitty. I felt like someone literally studied me and then made a character out of me but changed the sex, and the age.

I find myself being very controlling of what I allow myself to enjoy, maybe its that I dont have too many great things happen to me so when something close to great happens I don't allow myself to enjoy how I should. I literally have to force myself to buy me something nice, or order whatever I want at my favorite restaurant . Lately I have felt that I deserve to see the world. I want to be more open-minded, and I want to experience something that could change me and make me better, and more educated. Traveling....for me, would be that thing.

What always keeps me from taking risks is......well is myself. That good ole introvert behavior keeps me in fear to take risks and be adventurous. The realist in me weighs all the options. NO MONEY, NO ONE TO GO WITH, WHAT IF I GET KIDNAPPED OUT OF COUNTRY, WHAT WOULD MY FAMILY THINK, IS THIS REALLY THE BEST THING TO DO AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE? (thats the realist speaking). I kind of hate the realist in me because she keeps me from being spontaneous. I am the most careful and cautious person I know, outside of my mother who is the queen of cautious.

I decided that I will finish out my 20's learning myself, getting better, educating myself, leaning towards my purpose, but once I turn 30.......its on. I know I know.....why not start now? Its the realist in me. Realistically I'm not ready for the type of life I want to live. I still have a immaturity that I cant quite pin point yet. I am 28 years old and I literally have a year 1/2 left of my 20's. My goal is to really be able to understand the person that I am, because I want to enjoy my 30's. I want my 30's to be what my 20's should have been. I like that I am learning now what alot of people dont learn until they are 50 years old and only have time for a simple bucket list. God willing I have alot of years ahead of me, and I don't want to die unhappy.

I want to travel, eat different things, explore different cultures, take on different values, and just be one with myself and God. Today I am making the promise to myself that I will see the world, my 30's will not be like my 20's. I wont be put in a box as a human being, I wont be mediocre. I don't want to feel depressed about 30, I want to be excited to know that my 30's will be the best years of my life THUS FAR. My 20's were not great to me, but they taught me alot and I've come a lonnnnggggg way.

Pray for me, as I pray for myself, and my purpose. 

The Introverts Fear of Leading

Today it is on my mind to talk about my lack of WANTING to be a leader

I see this as a problem. Because im an introvert it is custom for me to always want to stand in the background and do what I can do without the pressure of leading a group and having to be responsible for its failure. The funny part is that I naturally have leadership skills, and people naturally ask me how to do things or where to start. 

My dwindling (and I say that because im working on it) fear of rejection and failure makes it hard for me to take charge of many situations, and yet I almost ALWAYS end up in a situation where I am forced to take charge. Just yesterday my class was working on a mock trial. We were split up into Defendants Vs. Plaintiffs, the groups separated to work and I immediately knew what needed to happen, and that me and my home girl Timika needed to take charge and create organization.....and we did, and people liked that we did. With all that positiveness coming from me trying to be a leader,I still have issues with it.

There is so much I want to do, especially business wise. Most people in my program want to be lawyers, meanwhile this program is literally my plan B. I'm not sure I really want anything to do with Law although i've found that i'm pretty good at it. There are so many dreams I have, and Michigan has very few start off resources. In the back of my mind I knew I could start something great, and lead it.......but what if it fails? The unfortunate part of being an introvert I guess.

Failure is just not an option. I wish I knew like-minded people, then maybe I'd be a bit more motivated to get out here and do something great together, I am one who believes there is great power in a team. I'd rather everyone lead on a certain part of a whole goal then lead a whole group by myself..

This is something that I have to get a grip on if I want to own my own business and be great in life. Im 28 and I feel that time is slipping away. I wish I knew of some leadership classes I could take for free, i'm so open to learning and taking in everything I can right now, which is a good thing. I was not in that space a year ago. Maybe i'll google some good books I could buy or rent from the library.

Pray for me as I explore this new obstacle in my personality. I have come so far in how I think, and what I know. Leadership is the newest/oldest part of me that needs work. Now that I know this, its time to attack it head on. 

Springtime Happiness.....

 

This picture is how I feel as of lately......and its weird.

 

 

I don't know if it's springtime, or how well I'm doing in school, or the goodness of God. Maybe all of the above, maybe its the book I've been reading which sort of changed my perspective on life. I have not a clue, but I think I'm experiencing .....dare I say it....Happiness.

 

I'm not quite sure when the last time I felt this way. I feel content yet I don't have much, I feel optimistic in situations that look bleak. I mean I almost wasn't able to go to school this mod and literally shrugged like "Oh well I'll be fine". I feel so capable, and hopeful, and alive. Its so corny but true.

 

Having this feeling makes you want to protect it. Other than anger, we as humans don't ever think to protect an emotion. We protect anger because it's an easier emotion to have, to be angry at the world, to hold grudges, to be unforgiving, to not love, or trust, or understand. That emotion is so much easier, but anger kills a lot faster too. I want to protect my happy moods, I don't like negativity, or anger in my space. Some may feel that I've been weird towards them, it's not that, I just don't want your negativity rubbing off on me.

 

It's like experiencing love for the first time, you want that love so bad that you protect it, you excuse what you know isn't love to keep the half love that is left. I'm not saying I will be excused from trials and problems and off days, but for the most part I am just in a great mood and I plan on protecting that. I almost feel reborn, or like I've had a child I don't want anyone touching.

 

My blogs Purpose has changed

 

When I first started this blog I was in a very negative place, where I knew change needed to take place, and here I am four months later and I'm already different, heck I'm more different than I was two or three weeks ago. I think I've gotten a look into what life is supposed to be regardless of what you have, and I feel privileged because people who have lived so much longer than me still haven't caught that glimpse. I feel favored. To know how to come out of a bad day even better is a great lesson to learn.

 

I have learned how bad everyone has it, and how much they let it affect them. I don't want that to be me. I've learned how happy someone seems on the outside does not portray the inside. I've learned that there are people who have very few reasons to be happy and yet make it their business to brighten up someone elses day. I've learned that people are pretenders because pride will not allow them to let the world know they are struggling (celebrities mostly). These people are so much worse off than me. I've learned how to truly be sold out for God and how not to be ashamed because i'm not everybody else, those same people having worldly fun are suffering and the fact that they will enter heaven only for Christ to not know them makes me feel for them. From a murderer down to a simple pathological liar, I just feel nothing but sympathy.

 

I planned on having my Eureka moment this year, and I have. I can't wait to finally figure out my ministry, I know God is preparing me for that. I can't wait to see where I am spiritually and mentally by the end of this year so I can do a blog one year anniversary just to say "Look how far I have come". I'm praying for healing in my life, increase in my life, and success in my life. God is able.

 

I am now a black Introvert girl in the pursuit of Happiness, not bitterness.
 



Theme Song of this overly corny blog today lol.....