Depending on the undependable

Today it is heavy on me to talk about why I dont depend on anyone for anything but God. I am so tired of being let down by people, so tired of people not keeping their word, and I am in a space right now where God is using people to get me what I need. I hate it. 

My aunt told me that God has me in a season where he is keeping me still to keep me from having to depend on the undependable ( she used other words but this is the basis). Lately ive learned this to be fact. Right now Im in school and just having to worry about if I will get there everyday is weighing me down......There really is no need to worry about this but I do because I am not able to get MYSELF there, which comes from me hating to have to depend on anyone. This is what made me write about this today, because one of my goals was allowing God to use people to help me.

I dont ask anyone for anything, if I do its because I feel comfortable doing so. People are so wishy washy. They say they want to help but dont, and I dont expect help because noone owes me anything, but i expect people to stick to their word. One thing I cant stand is for someone to say they will do something ( without you asking), volunteer themselves to it, and then complain later when doing it. If it is not from your heart, dont do it. Not everyone has the heart to give. This was me years back. I was selfish to what was mine ( I still am working on this) I had a caring heart, but not a heart to give what I felt was mine. God does not bless that. People are too consumed with self toTRULY care about what you have going on, which forces you to not want to depend on anyone.

I am really struggling with this. Sometimes I want to just say forget school. I will sit in the corner and do nothing until I can do it myself, but that is utterly ridiculous. How can God bless me sitting in the house all day? He does for those that have faith, gets out there and at LEAST tries to help themselves. Nothing can be accomplished at home, so what am I forced to do? Depend. Depend or be homeless. My personality causes me to say "Nevermind Ill figure it out myself" alot.

I often envy those that can ask for ANYTHING and not feel an ounce of pride doing so, those that can take and not feel like a charity case or like they are being dependent on someone ( usually extroverts). I envy those people because they are free, free from pride, free from worry, they know their gonna get what they need........they simply have the faith that SOMEBODY is going to have what they need. I dont have that, i wish I had just a little of that, but I dont, it has to be learned, I have to learn to deal with it and hear the complaining of people helping me but not REALLY wanting to, they are simply being used by God to keep me in good favor. I have to learn that its not them im depending on, its God working through them, I have to allow it long enough to get to a point in life where I can do it myself and know it will happen because I only have me/God to depend on and i have the means to do it. I believe this is just another trait of being an introvert, we are loners at heart, I think God wants to deliver me from my pride, from my "Do it myself" attitude, ive only come to this conclusion just now. Maybe I am in this space in life for a reason, my stubborn way of not asking for what I need keeps me bound up in not having, the fear of hearing no makes me resistant, and the aggrivation of hearing complaining simply irks me.

I am seeing that I am really going to have to stay in prayer about this. For the third time this year I have heard sermons preaching on waiting on God. Three times I have had to hear WAIT WELL. God keeps badgering me with it......while you wait, wait well. This season of dependency is so hard for me, and yet all he has said to me is WAIT WELL. So ill practice waiting with joy, and peace, and understanding, and faith.