Father, Daughter Relationship: Your Role as Father

(Picture was funny to me)

Well....I said I would speak more freely using this blog, and I may get into a little trouble with this one, but it is what is on my heart so, here it goes.

 

 

Yesterday for the first time in maybe 6 years I saw my father.....and to be honest, it was quite uneventful. What I thought would be met with more enthusiasm from my father seemed more like hesitation and awkwardness (if that is a word). It wasn't what I expected, although I'm not quite sure what I expected because he has not changed since I've been born. Very quiet, a lot like me. Maybe I was expecting the reaction I got after seeing him for the first time when I visited home from California after being gone a year back in 05. He was so genuine in how happy he was to see me.

For some reason I told myself I should get over it because at least he was there in my childhood and that is the most a girl can ask for......that is ridiculous. I think i'm allowed to be a little hurt that our relationship is a tad strained because a girl should have her father for her whole life. I also told myself that at least he is still heavily involved in my siblings lives, but why should I go without?

This is less about me though, it is what it is. This is more of what all women feel when missing out on a father throughout life, or having a "weird" relationship if one at all. We are so dismissed as if a father not being around to do as expected is not a big deal. It is a big deal. We are told that if he does a little we should be thankful for that. When I think of a father I think of my father in heaven......or Will smith lol. My father in heaven is not half as visible as my earthly father, and yet I feel his love so much more often.

If nothing else a father's role is to love his daughter more than any man will. His role is to show his daughter what security, protection, and worthy treatment to a woman looks like. To give discipline but in a manner that is a lesson learned, not a beating because you like beating. So if a woman does not get this, what can you expect from her? Choosing unstable men, chasing after what she wants so bad but knows it will never be, feeling unprotected and not have the ability to trust, taking beatings from men because that's what they think they deserve (and that is usually women who have no father or a father who is abusive). This Ladies and gentlemen is the state of women in America now. You know at LEAST 10 women with one of those traits if not all. And then good men are left to suffer with either CLINGY women, or DISTANT women. Meanwhile the "other" men are left with plenty of weak women to choose from.

I just wish men would take ownership of their role, call your child, give her advice, give her attention, show her that she is worthy. It really is never too late. Get out of your pride, and your feelings. Being tough is cool until your 70 years old, and lonely, because you didn't invest your time into loving what is RIB OF YOUR RIB. What good is your legacy if you have no one to leave it to, what good is your name when you walk to the gates of Heaven and God does not know you to be his because you did not do what was right while on earth by your own children? Should God treat you how you treat yours?

I also want to appeal to women, be careful who you choose to be the father of your children, granted people change, but you have TIME to figure out what you want your child to be like. There are qualities in a man that show you whether he would be a good father or not. A good father whether he ends up hating YOU later or not will still be a good father. Stop the cycle. Stop sticking us girls with people who don't love us, or don't know how to show that they love us. People think that folks who don't have children and a million boyfriends after damn near high school are weird or not the norm. I find it weird going from man to man, giving away pieces of your heart and soul, to simply be left hurt, with hurt children, is even more weird and out of the norm. Ya'll can have that.

Despite my feelings towards yesterdays reunion, I know that I will always try......because I am supposed to honor my mother and father no matter who or where they are in life. This is for my own good, this is for my relationship with Christ to still be good. I want to be a good daughter to my father in heaven more than anything, so i'll keep trying. Keep reaching out, keep getting my little feelings hurt when I don't get a Christmas or Birthday phone call, just to simply wish me well, having faith that one day it will get better.



Happy Birthday: What 28 feels like

(Pretty little cake that my classmate got me)

Welp.......Today is my 28th birthday, and I thought I'd share what Im feeling today. First I'd like to thank my Father God for allowing me to see another year, he didnt have to, but it was his will that I did, and I am thankful!

Now.....Usually I would feel some type of way about my birthday, think about who didnt call me but could post on fb, who didnt get as excited about my day as me, i'd end up sad and irritated by the end of the day because noone cares more about my birthday than me, Jesus, and My mama lol. The last two birthdays however ive learned that most of the excitement, love, and happiness should come from me. This year ive decided to reflect more than planning, although I do have a little plans but of course my mother made that plan. I wanted to be in Vegas this year, but God was like nah.....

Anywho. It took me until litterally yesterday to feel happy about this birthday, realizing that I am blessed, I am favored by God, and that better is coming. 30 is creeping up on me and I decided just a few weeks back when I created this blog that I was gonna try harder. 

Today I feel good, I feel like NOBODY BETTER RUIN MY DAY, I feel like God is good, I feel that although others may not wish greatness for me, or be excited for me, or truly wish me well, I wish myself well! Who better to love on me than me. 

So today Im gonna go to breakfast at Dennys and get my free breakfast. Then later Famous Daves for some good ole barbeque, and if noone but me and my mama are there fine! I have expectations for noone. I want to remember today to not have my joy taken from me. To truly enjoy and celebrate what God has in store, and maybe today is the day I decide to take more action.

My mission: To simply have a blessed day. Good day folks.

Minding your bidness

Maybe its the introvert in me, maybe its the Aquarius in me, maybe its my character, but I find it hard to mind other peoples business. People are so quick to be negative about SOMEONE ELSES life, granted I have had my gossip days, but A gossip day vs a gossip life is a huge difference. Even with these celebrities, we are so quick to judge their lives as if we woke up next to them, we take picutres and gossip from "unknown sources" and believe it to be true.

For example, recently there were stories that Fantasias newest baby father ( the one who left his wife ) had broken up with her and went BACK to his wife, then the rumor went on to say that she was depressed, in the bed all day, and on the verge of suicide. People took that story and ran with it, spoke negativity all into this womans life. Turns out the rumors were false, fantasia is on broadway and broke up with him almost a year ago ( which I already knew). It was crazy because someone obviously wants her to lay down and die somewhere.

This is what happens when you dont speak life into someone. What sally do with her baby daddy or sam do on his job is not your business. How can you possibly see God bless your life if you continuously curse someone elses with your words. I am believing more and more that you shouldnt put your mouth on Gods people regardless to how they live their lives. Most recently I learned to just nod my head and say "uh huh" whenever someone is talking to me about someone elses life, so if im doing that to you its because really dont want to hear it. Its super uncomfortable to even be put in that position for me in the first place. There is too much pressure in knowing that someone is being constantly talked about and that if it comes back to them your name can come up because if nothing else you listened and commented on their lives. Its okay to vent, were all human, but sometimes folks go too far

Recently I asked God why I had to hear and see EVERYTHING. I have the gift of being a good listener and being super observant. Believe it or not it is a gift because there is protection and preparation in knowing. This is also a curse because everyone comes to you about everything, you are forced to hear or see things you NEVER wanted to know about. Even in minding my own business someone elses business comes to me because people talk too Dayum much. Dont get me wrong, talking can be a gift too, being able to persuade easily or get people to listen, lawyers have this gift, preachers have this gift, teachers have this gift, but I am not much of a talker, especially for no reason. My mother loves to talk and has yet to understand that sometimes I want to sit in silence lol. Even when having a talkative day I have to shut up sometimes. How can you learn if your mouth is always open? How can you understand if you dont listen? Too many teachers out here and not enough students. The next time someones situation comes up, practice speaking positivity, praying for them, or simply saying nothing. I have had to learn this over the years. Be quicker to hear than to speak.....you learn so much more.

Daydreaming: To float away from Reality

        

I am such a daydreamer, been that way my whole life. At first I think it was just having a big imagination and a creative mind, but now I am abusing Mr. Daydream, for all the wrong reasons. Reality Sucks! There isnt enough that I enjoy in real life so I escape too often to daydream land. Even something as simple as a change of situation is easier to see. Maybe If I daydream enough something will come true, because after all God knows the desires of your heart. I think ill start saying out my mouth what I want, declaring it to come to pass. Speaking it into existence is only part one though, making those dreams come true is a whollleee notha story. Here are some of the things I dream about.....

Who doesn't right? And usually im winning it because of course reality self is slightly lazy, but thats the good part about daydreaming, it doesnt take years to get rich lol.The crazy part is in my daydream im giving it away to friends and family lol. I want to have so that I can give, but ultimately money is not everything and you have to have your mind and spirit right above all else. It would be nice though......

Yeah yeah i know, I just moved from there over a year ago, but Cali is my second home and quite frankly I think more like a Cali girl than I do Detroit girls ( whom rarely think at all smh). My mentality just isnt that of a Michiganders anymore. Everyone here is so damn angry. Honestly I could have moved back If i really wanted to, but I dont want to go back with no plan, and no money, i will be in the same place I was when I left there....only worse. I want to move back in better circumstances, and would love to live in or near L.A.. Plus I just miss my family there.

Another thing I miss is working in the photography industry. I miss the shoots. I would love to intern for someone ( serious inquiry) or be able to buy my own camera and do it as a hustle. Photography isnt a big dream of mine, just a hobby I love, especially the shoot directing part. I often daydream of interning for some cool and well known photographer....that would be fun.

Now music,......Music is a real life dream of mine. To be a big name writer and producer, and its the ONE thing that has actually been in process on and off for years. I sing, I write, and I can even make beats if you give me a few days. I always see myself writing hits for big name artist and making millions (because the writers make ALL the money, after the labels of course). I also kind of want to groom artists who have the talent but not the "look" or etiquette to become an artist. This will happen, I dont care if it takes me 10 years ( i hope the hell not though).

I need a reason or nah? Thought i'd leave off on a happy note.......Idris Elba might be the most far fetched daydream but im speaking him into existence too! Lol!

Dear God, Idris Elba in my living room worshipping the ground I walk on would be awesome, thank you and Amen! :-) 

Fasting For Dummies

Okay so, today is the end of my fast. Ive learned that fasting should be sacred between you and God so you shouldnt blast it or talk about it with others too much, which is why I chose not to talk about it until it was over. I will try not to be long winded with this post.

The reason im writing about my fast is because ive NEVER been good at fasts, especially food ones. This time ive chosen to do a fast where I log out of all social networks after 5pm everyday and dedicate more time to God and being productive. Usually most fast to recieve something from God, spiritual fullfillment, a breakthrough on lifes challenges, or even something material. Mine was more for spiritual growth and just to break free from having the first thing on my mind be "lemme check my fb and instagram". I dont want social networking to make me self obsorbed and needy to peoples approvement through pics and stauses.

This fast was hard, EVERYDAY i clicked the apps and had to click out of them lol. This is how i know the fast was needed. What I barely did while on this fast was pray. I mean I prayed when i had the urge to log in but thats it. I listened to a few sermons, did a little studying of the word, but it just wasn't enough and i feel that I missed the purpose. I do feel there was some results. Ive barely looked at instagram and I dont take as many pictures lol. Next week I want to try again starting monday and this time no logging IN until 5. This way I wake up with prayer and studying my word on my mind. I am not good at praying, I talk to God but I have trouble putting into words what I would like to pray about. My prayers are very generic, which lets me know I need spirtual growth. I just want people to know that food is not the only way to fast. Whatever is a true sacrifice in your eyes is what you should fast on. Next month I want to try fasting on food, which will take alot of prayer, but I have to conquer it and grow closer to God. But I will def research some tips to help me through it. I just felt the need to express how bad at fasting i was for anyone else having trouble with it. In the end God acknowledges that you tried and he loves you no matter what you do or how long. Just knowing that you want to sacrifice for him is enough.

Good day folks :-)

Depending on the undependable

Today it is heavy on me to talk about why I dont depend on anyone for anything but God. I am so tired of being let down by people, so tired of people not keeping their word, and I am in a space right now where God is using people to get me what I need. I hate it. 

My aunt told me that God has me in a season where he is keeping me still to keep me from having to depend on the undependable ( she used other words but this is the basis). Lately ive learned this to be fact. Right now Im in school and just having to worry about if I will get there everyday is weighing me down......There really is no need to worry about this but I do because I am not able to get MYSELF there, which comes from me hating to have to depend on anyone. This is what made me write about this today, because one of my goals was allowing God to use people to help me.

I dont ask anyone for anything, if I do its because I feel comfortable doing so. People are so wishy washy. They say they want to help but dont, and I dont expect help because noone owes me anything, but i expect people to stick to their word. One thing I cant stand is for someone to say they will do something ( without you asking), volunteer themselves to it, and then complain later when doing it. If it is not from your heart, dont do it. Not everyone has the heart to give. This was me years back. I was selfish to what was mine ( I still am working on this) I had a caring heart, but not a heart to give what I felt was mine. God does not bless that. People are too consumed with self toTRULY care about what you have going on, which forces you to not want to depend on anyone.

I am really struggling with this. Sometimes I want to just say forget school. I will sit in the corner and do nothing until I can do it myself, but that is utterly ridiculous. How can God bless me sitting in the house all day? He does for those that have faith, gets out there and at LEAST tries to help themselves. Nothing can be accomplished at home, so what am I forced to do? Depend. Depend or be homeless. My personality causes me to say "Nevermind Ill figure it out myself" alot.

I often envy those that can ask for ANYTHING and not feel an ounce of pride doing so, those that can take and not feel like a charity case or like they are being dependent on someone ( usually extroverts). I envy those people because they are free, free from pride, free from worry, they know their gonna get what they need........they simply have the faith that SOMEBODY is going to have what they need. I dont have that, i wish I had just a little of that, but I dont, it has to be learned, I have to learn to deal with it and hear the complaining of people helping me but not REALLY wanting to, they are simply being used by God to keep me in good favor. I have to learn that its not them im depending on, its God working through them, I have to allow it long enough to get to a point in life where I can do it myself and know it will happen because I only have me/God to depend on and i have the means to do it. I believe this is just another trait of being an introvert, we are loners at heart, I think God wants to deliver me from my pride, from my "Do it myself" attitude, ive only come to this conclusion just now. Maybe I am in this space in life for a reason, my stubborn way of not asking for what I need keeps me bound up in not having, the fear of hearing no makes me resistant, and the aggrivation of hearing complaining simply irks me.

I am seeing that I am really going to have to stay in prayer about this. For the third time this year I have heard sermons preaching on waiting on God. Three times I have had to hear WAIT WELL. God keeps badgering me with it......while you wait, wait well. This season of dependency is so hard for me, and yet all he has said to me is WAIT WELL. So ill practice waiting with joy, and peace, and understanding, and faith.

My Life is Like Pumpkin Pie...........Bland

And this is my own fault.......

Passive- accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance.

Introvert-One who focuses on the inner world of thoughts and ideas. One who gains energy from alone time, one who thinks before they speak.

I started with the definitions so that its easier to understand why I am the way that I am. Introverted behavior is not ALWAYS shy and timid, but being outgoing is a learned behavior for those of us that are introverts. There are various articles via google that explain us innies a little better. I didnt learn that I was one until a few months back, it helped me alot because I simply thought I was a weirdo. I am also passive, I had a come to Jesus moment about this yesterday after hearing a Joyce Myers Podcast. Now that i've realized these things, I now know why I am where I am in life. Here is a list of things I want to change, despite my personality that works against me sometimes. So here goes nothing...

1. Be more outspoken-(Starting with this blog) Not in a loud way, my whole family is loud and thats why they can never truly hear each other.....I love them dearly though. I hate drama, it makes me feel sick, like literal stomach turning, so I surpress how I feel on a subject to simply keep drama at a bay, but what Ive learned is that people are used to this from me. They expect "Quiet Chrissy" "Respectable Chrissy" and my least favorite "Push-over Chrissy" ( dont ever call my Chrissy, i hate that nickname, it is family given derived from my Gov'ment name Christia). People cannot handle their own truth, and when EYE express the truth folks simply cant handle it, but Im starting to care less and less, it comes with age I guess. Ive become more talkative over the years but not outspoken, this needs to change.
2. Be more aggressive, less passive- In everything, in pursuing jobs, in starting my business, in being an overall leader, can I lead?.....sure, am I an overall leader? Hell no, leading means being responsible if something goes wrong, which is a lot of pressure. I hate pressure, id rather be passive and fall back ( see the problem?). I simply need to get over myself and understand for every no you are closer to yes, BE AGGRESSIVE....BE E...AGGRESSIVE Gotta be more of a go getter.
3. Keeping my word to myself-  This has never been a problem when it comes to others, but when it comes to me and my dreams I never keep my word, I never do more, never keep my goals. I read a quote on instagram that said " Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you" Nuff said......
4. Practicing unwavering faith- God said pray and dont worry. You cant do both. I have a problem with having complete faith in God....PEOPLE are so good at not keeping their word that I tend to place God in the same category as humans, but God is no human, he is all, he is that he is, and I have to trust him. Practice makes perfect.
5. Get out more- I am 27 with no license, ive learned that im not the only one but quite frankly its embarrassing and a huge part of the reason I cant be more social. I WILL be driving before summer, and when I do, ill be getting me some new friends because the old ones dont come get a nigga, I only exist if I can find my own way out, and if thats the case then cool, when im riding around and getting it I will NOT be reachable. Anywho even without a car if opportunity presents itself i will get out more. I cant expect to meet new friends or my future husband at the crib....
6. Allow myself to be blessed by others- I hate for anybody to do anything for me, I hate to owe anyone anything, I dont borrow, I go without. I will NEVER be that girl, but I do have to allow God to work in my favor through people more often. I turn down alot because of pride, and thats how you miss your blessings.
7. Lastly, find a mentor- nothing like having someone in your pocket for advice, but not just advice, but opportunity, and help in building your own business. People used to tell me to go to my grandma, or go to God.......and those people clearly dont know the purpose of a mentor. God is my everything and I love my grandma, but the point was clearly missed.

Well.....this is all I can think of, I made it up as I typed, so if anything comes up later I will blog about it separately. This is alot to change, and preferrably before 30, but I have learned that I cant put a time on EVERYTHING...... Especially when everything is in Gods timing, but im sure God would like a little freakin help from my lazy behind. 

Once again Pray For Me.

Hello There....

Hello there, if you've stumbled upon my blog you are either very similar to me..... Or i sent you here. Either way welcome! Although I feel that the blog is really just for me I feel compelled to at least explain the point of my blog, so here it goes.......

EYE AM NEARING 30......yes EYE. When I want to put emphasis on "I" I prefer to use EYE, and EYE dont care how anyone feels about that. Anywho, 30 scares me, not the actual number, but the space that I am in or will be in at age 30. In just a few weeks I am turning 28, and im starting to realize some things that I want to change about myself. The problem is that I am an introvert, and the things that I want to change about me is usually found in extroverted behavior. I decided that if I was going to do this "change" thing, I might as well log it all in. By 2015 (jeez, what the hell is a 2015?) I want to look back and see the change, and maybe help a few folks along the way. Later ( probably tomorrow) I will list those changes I want to make.

I am scared, I am tired, I am black, I am female, and I am an introvert, all a recipe for disaster, but above anything, I am a child of God, and through him, I am so much better and so much more. So here I am, trying to be better.

Pray for me...