Laziness/ The Burden Keeper

Today I have two things I want to talk about that im still struggling with.

LAZINESS

TAKING ON OTHERS BURDENS

I will start with Laziness

There were a few things I told myself I was going to start doing as of the second of this month. One of them was to deactivate facebook for awhile. With everything that is going on and that has come out of nowhere on me and my family i just felt that facebook was a distraction and it was time to focus, I procastinate more when im on fb in other peoples business and sharing useless funny videos and pictures. I know its time to deactivate when things are going crazy, it means ive slacked in my connection with God.

Today, i had no fb to run to, had things on the agenda to do, and still........ Didnt get to it until hours later, although I guess getting to it was a start. I honestly want to deal with this spirit of laziness, yeah yeah I know EVERYTHING IS A SPIRIT WITH CHRISTIANS, well I happen to believe that if it isnt of God then it is a bad spirit so for me, alot of things ARE a spirit, especially if satan knows you struggle with it.

Laziness is lightweight ruining my life, and its my own fault. I read a picture today that basically said procastination is usually just things happening in the right timing, so although it may feel like laziness or procastination it really just wasnt time for whatever your trying to do. I immediately felt a little vindicated, and then I realized it was a ploy to stop me from not procastinating. As true as the picture might be, there is never an excuse for not being a go-getter, even if you dont know what your preparing for PREPARE ANYWAY, RESEARCH ANYWAY, PLAN ANYWAY!

I refuse to take laziness through life with me, I just cant. I turned 29 years old a week ago and I cant enter my 30s wth this problem. Why is it that I have so many things that had to be learned while others were born with it? And exactly what annointing or purpose was I born with? The fact that I dont know is frightening, it means im nowhere near my purpose yet, and if i am I'm spiritually blind to it, which mean my connection with God has weakened, which means im slacking, and lazy, and in trouble. 

I just want to live and be happy,so why havent I moved in the areas that make me happy? It comes down to laziness and fear, I can deal with a little fear as long as I have the tenacity to move forward regardless of that fear, and I dont. Im going to find me some good reads on laziness ( besides the bible) and tackle it head on...... If im not too lazy.

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OTHER PEOPLES BURDENS.....

Earlier I spoke on the reason I deactivated fb and how things have been happening out of the blue. I always know when God is going to really bless because the chaos comes........the thing is, none of it is really MY chaos. Ive said before that I was like May from Secret Life of the Bee's, I have a real life issue with taking other peoples burdens and harboring them in MY spirit even though it hardly affects my life. Sometimes I have to ask myself why am I so down, and then i remember a friend or my mom told me about THEIR bad day, and I empathized to the point of my own sympathy.

It comes from caring too much.......

I care past the point that I should, and though ive learned to pick up on harboring an issue that isnt mine I still havent found a way to not let it affect me so much. I cried out to God about why I had to always deal with OTHER PEOPLES ISSUES when I had no drama in my own life, especially if there was nothing i could do to help. He still hasnt delivered me from it, which means one of two things, either Im not ready, or THAT IS MY PURPOSE. To always be the listener, and pray for those who cant pray for themselves and to be empathetic and supporting, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with me. This being my purpose scares me more than me not being ready, I can handle that, it would just mean I need to practice, but to forever be the listener and empathizer is too much on me, especially if I dont have someone like me to go to, outside of God.

Ive prayed many days for God to put me in a position to help others out of their ruts, and thats not even my place! Everyone has their own turmoil to go through before they are delivered or saved from their troubles, who do I think I am praying to be captain save a you know what? All i have is my words, and I try and use them carefully. Lord knows if he made my sitation any better id still be poor tryna help others! I would be known as the wealthy woman who wasnt wealthy, and theres nothing wrong with being wealthy in spirit from being a giver but God wants his believers to be prosperous, dont ever think he wants you down in the dumps after you just helped someone get out that same dump.

I dont know, i tend to answer my own questions and figure out my own problems without even realizing it. Maybe the listener/empathizer thing is my purpose and God hasnt shown it to me fully or I cant see it because I havent embraced it yet, your purpose may not be anywhere near what you want it to be, but maybe when you embrace it is when you receive the power to handle it. 

JEEZ! That good word I just gave myself.......wow. See what I mean? And this is why I blog.

GOODNIGHT!

One Year Blogiversary

It's My Anniversary!

Well......my blogs

One year ago I decided to create an online diary because I was just starting to learn my personality and I felt some changes were needed. I am happy to say that this blog has helped me vent, come to some realizations, and well.......vent some more.

Due to me writing a blog on how far ive come last week in my resolutions post I wont be long winded today. I will say I am proud of myself..... yeah for things that ive accomplished but mostly for sticking to the blog, starting something and finishing it is not my strong suite but school and this blog are two things I stayed commited to, and I am proud of that. I have told myself not to quit things because they are hard or because I like to procastinate or be lazy. I rebuked laziness from my life last year and while im still lazy I am no quitter lol so even with a lazy day I decide to pick myself off the couch and do what I have to do. My lazy is not cured but im not perfect so....

Anywho, to those silent readers, to the ones who comment and read, thank you! I always get random comments about my blog from people whom i had no idea read it. I may not see or know your reading but you guys are, so thanks!

I guess I will continue for another year and see what 2015 brings me!

As always, pray for me!

Oh......Hey 2015

It has been Quite a year

First of all Let me just say that it has almost been a year since I started this blog, and i'm ALMOST at 1000 views, which isn't half bad seeing as how I only post every blue moon. When I started this blog I said that I wanted to be in a better place a year from now and would hopefully update with good news. I am happy to say that I am! Still so far to go though, which is why I will  be setting new goals for the new year, last years goals were set and I accomplished quite a few of them, and then there are still some that have went un-accomplished.

I've come extremely far, I know more of who I am, I am MUCH more outspoken, I am SOOOOOO much more aware of where I want to be in life. I have finished school, I'm working, I have developed new and great friendships, I am more spiritually in tune, although I have kind of slacked in my walk with God lately.I can honestly say, that the INNER me is in a good place. Now time to work on the outer. With that said, here are my goals for the coming year....

1. Be more positive- This time last year I kind of set that same goal, and it worked for about 8 months, but as the pressure to finish school and find work grew so did the negativity. I am nowhere near as negative as I used to be, but i have noticed a shift. My goal is to be optimistic, so much so that people look to me to find positive energy.

2. Read my bible- this was part of last years goals too, and I did it, I have so much more of an understanding of who God is and what the Bible is REALLY saying, but I have slacked, I havent read .....really sat down and read, in months. Dont get it twisted though, my relationship with God is still strong, but it is my fault that it is not where it should be.

3. lose weight: My appearance is always together, I am not ashamed of me, or how I look or anything, i'm actually very confident, but there is a slight insecurity that can creep up on me every now and then and I imagine that losing some weight will make me even more confident. And I want to be healthy. 60-80 pounds, I wont set the bar too high.

4. Drive- Please don't judge me, I tried to get some help on that last year and noone wanted to, therefore I let it linger, and here I am a year later in the same space. I'll just pay someone to help me now lol.

5.Start a business- My online boutique, or photography. or BOTH! Plus the music side of me, all three have a place in my heart and I want to figure out how to fuse them all and start a business. I HATE working for other people. By the end of the year I want to be moving in that area. Set schedules are not for me.

6. Strengthen my relationships with people and start new ones- Now that i'm sure of who my real friends are, I want to go back to being the person I was before terrible friends robbed me of that, and it was the "Check-up" friend, the one who calls, and pushes, and supports. I am still that friend however I am VERY skeptical of people and I am not so WILLING. I've noticed I don't keep in touch how I should. I apologize if anyone feels like I have failed in the "Check-up" area, please understand that I became closed off due to never feeling important enough to others. Nothing personal. Also I wrote a blog about marriage so we shall see what 2015 brings in that area lol. Your greatest resource is PEOPLE never forget that....... and I want to meet rich and successful people too, not just any ole body. Networking is so important.

7.Blog more: I admit I am lazy, I will try.

8.Save Money: One thing I realized in working in the industry I currently work in is how IMPORTANT it is to save money. I've seen people come in with hundreds of dollars worth of coin saved, money saved from every $20 dollar bill they broke, or CD's and special savings filled with money, and I literally feel broke some days! There are so many ways to save, so many techniques, and I should practice them, I never want to be caught up where I have no way to survive again in life. Please save people.....please. Life is unpredictable, don't be caught slippin.

9.HAVE MORE FUN!!! - I have already started. That was a last years goal too, and I can say that I get out more often, and I still dont have to smoke or drink just to be a good time.

10. I dont have a tenth goal- Maybe finish my AA? Go out of town more? Go see Beyonce in concert? Idk lol.

Those are my goals. Please feel free to post yours, and don't be afraid to hold me accountable, I wont trip if I hear "I thought you were gonna be more positive?" or "Why are you eating that, didnt you wanna lose weight?". I will consider it support and not shade lol!

I think i'm ready

The Title applies to a good three areas in my life....

One being ready to move in the financial/professional place in my life since I am finished with school, Two being ready to move out and move into my own place, I just think its time that I don't have to rely on anyone but God and myself. Lastly I am ready for a mate, I thought I couldnt miss what I don't have but that is a bold faced lie. For the last year I have talked about fixing ME, from the inside. But there are areas of my life that are less personality that I am just ready to move on to. Today it is on my heart to talk about Marriage.

I have been saying to God lately that I think I may be ready to be in a relationship. This is something I have put off simply because of the examples that I have had in my life of other peoples relationships, and how bad they were, and I always said that alot of things had to be in place in order for me to give myself to anyone, mentally or etc. Then I got to a point lately where I realized that I don't control how things play out and that i'm ready to be something great for someone, and for someone to be great for me. Today, I realized that i'm hoping for a RELATIONSHIP when I should be preparing for Marriage.

Asking for a relationship just feels ridiculous when the end goal is marriage, so that is my goal from now until it happens, to prepare for my husband, and hope that God is getting him ready for me. Its crazy how you can come from someone who was always in a relationship, always giving away the best parts of them because maybe they believed in love, and YOU turn out to be the total opposite simple because you sat back and watched that person be hurt time and time again, and vowed it would never be you. I think that in vowing that I would do things the right way I closed myself off, I admired from afar and just assumed God would drop someone from the sky and they would be mine. I think my little vow has even kept men from liking me TO MY FACE ( I swear most of the men who like me NEVER approach me). I feel that maybe I am not approachable. I don't like that.

Don't get it twisted, I could have settled for any loser that has asked for my number or shot me a glance, I could have been THAT desperate for love, but to me, Love seemed too complicated, and too hurtful, it was just never a "want". I wanted alot of things, and none of them had anything to do with love, for a longggg time, but as i've grown older I realize that life is hard enough to live it alone, and i'd love to be able to give my heart, my good listening skills, my care, to someone who deserves it and get the same in return. Someone to tell all my secrets, fears, and wants.....other than God, because he hears quite enough from me.

So even if my husband doesn't come for another 5 years, I now feel, and know, that it is time to prepare for him. I am seeking God on this, where I should go, who I should be around, how to present myself, how to take care of myself on the outside and not just the inside. I have been asking God to fix ME for so long, but i'm kind of over that now, i've come to terms with who I am, and honestly there is very little about me that I don't like, and what I don't like will probably be the same things that a man will not be able to stand about me. I want to focus on growing in God, and getting back in a good place with him, so that he can prepare me for a REAL life, with a husband, and a child. No longer do I want to say out of my mouth what EYE don't want. I have to remind myself to want whatever my heavenly father wants.

I have always looked at people weird for thinking that EYE was weird for waiting it out, for doing things the right way, but I kind of get it now, (not that it changes anything because I dont live for what others think I should do) I get that it is not easy walking through life alone, hoping and praying that God will see you through, sometimes it just feels better to have someone walking beside you. So many people have done so much just to say they have someone, and it was never what they needed. I never wanted to be that girl, and I still don't. I'd rather be single forever, BUT I will say that i'd much rather not be alone.

The more I learn what love looks like and what it should feel like, the more I want it, but I want it to be right, this is where I struggle, because I'm not sure if my own personal desires have kept me from moving along in this area of life. I wonder if God says "Well shes gonna be alone for awhile if this is what she wants", I wonder if I should lose some of my expectations and loosen up. I feel that right now I need to, but I never want to settle, I just never want to give up on what I think I deserve.

Idk, sometimes I wish I was like everyone else.....but I am not, I am peculiar, and i'm okay with that, as long as God knows that whoever is for me will have to be peculiar as well. It feels so weird to actually speak out about this, because I know that I am very silent on this part of my life, and I probably always will be, silent or not, this is just how I am, but sometimes you get to a point where you have to speak things into the atmosphere in order for God to know that you are serious about it. Asking for Marriage is huge, im not quite sure what I'm really asking for in asking for it, but this is the first day i've realized that it is what I want. I've heard peoples opinions, i've been asked questions and I never really cared to be asked the questions or to even answer them, I had no answer. I knew I wanted to be in a relationship just like anyone else, but in my own time......but time doesn't belong to me.

So I put it out there, and I hope that God hears me, and I hope it doesn't take forever to prepare for it, but if it does then it is because it is within God's plan for me, so i've gotta deal with it, and if it never comes, then that was also God's plan for me, and i'll have to deal with that too. Love it or hate it.

Feeling Some kind of way.....

I wish that feeling "Some Kind Of way" was an explainable feeling. I hate that emotion specifically because it is un-explainable. It is an emotion that cannot be fixed immediately. The most you can do is pray it away.

I think that feeling "Some kind of way" may actually mean that you have EVERY emotion, and you don't really know how to sort them. Your happy, but sad, but mad, but lonely, but sleepy, but hungry (lol). That emotion is dangerous, it is the one that causes you to think the most.

I have had a week of people talking to me in a manner that doesn't sit well with me, and I already have a build up of anger so any minute someone could see a side of me that I keep hidden. I am very blessed right now, but something is still missing, there are issues still lingering. I still feel alone, even with having newer people in me life who show me love and support, I can never seem to get rid of that lonely feeling.

I had come so far in being able to control my emotions, my expectations, and my quickness to be offended, but I feel a relapse coming on. I feel a personality in me stirring that has come with age, and its called "Fed Up Girl". Lately, everybody irks me, everybody seems untrustworthy, or have motives that don't have my, or other peoples best interest at heart. I used to look at people and give them the benefit of the doubt, now, I look through people.

The inability for humans to act right makes me treat them like a species different from mine. I can never understand why people just cant........do right. But then again it isn't for me to understand, all I know is that "People" have become my greatest annoyance, but I can't control others. The things people do, the way people are. It is hard for me to enter a new area in my life and trust it, because where people are involved it is always a flip of the coin.... 50/50. 

I've been praying about these feelings, because it is causing me doubt in areas in my life I was very sure about just a few months ago. I know that being a girl doesn't work out in my favor because we are automatically emotional, but i've NEVER been an emotional creature, I dont know where all the crying is coming from, the anger, any of it. I like to be able to pin point what is wrong with me and I just can't....... 

maybe everything is wrong with me.

Sometimes you just gotta rock with that.....

Saturday July 27th 2014 R.I.P Trust

Today I feel the need to document that this is the day that trust has died in me. I trust no one but God. Prayer is needed because I just don't get it. I don't like being lied to, but I understand the lies dwell within a disease. I can't be specific, I have no one to talk to about it. I just want to move on from today, knowing that although you love folk, they are who they are, and no matter how much you may want for them, they may never reach that potential. I am literally empty. I live in the midst of other people problems. I realized this a few weeks ago. When It comes to my own issues, i've owned them, i've worked on them, and i've come a long way, it is not my own issues I am completely battling with anymore, it is other peoples issues. This is not okay.

I just want peace, peace of mind, peace in health, peace in spirituality, and it sucks that in order to have peace, I will have to pull it from within, I have to find it through what I consider Chaos around me. I can't simply be on my own, in my own space, in my own world and have peace NOPE, I have to ask God for strength to pull it forward. 

Everyone's motives, issues, words, are given a side-eye from me now, I am sensitive to red flags, almost expert in them. I am forced to do what I should have been doing anyway......ask God about EVERYTHING. In everything go to God in prayer, give it up to him. He is all that I have. I pray that God helps me restore my trust in people, that he sends someone to be in life, be it friend, husband, Colleagues, that is simple, no major issues, just little fixable ones that don't stand to ruin a life. I'm not trying to offend anyone who may have thought they were that person...............I'm just in a very fragile state of mind, and it is truly sad.

Social Media Disdain

I THOUGHT THESE DAYS WOULD NEVER COME

First, excuse my choice of color used for the font, blue is sort of how i'm feeling. I's sick with a cold (or something worse, I will find out tomorrow at urgent care), I am barely getting any sleep,and I have a few things on my mind.

Today I want to discuss my recent disdain for social media. A good 8 years ago you couldn't tell me that Myspace wasn't the best thing since sliced bread, and when Facebook popped off OMG!! Twitter hit and by 2009 I was a slave to social media, tumblr, had to try it, and lets not forget black-planet or crushspot (which I would love to forget). I had tried them all, and like everyone else I'm sure, I thought that being able to find old friends, or communicate with people from all over the world was thee coolest. My best-friend however was over social media almost as fast as it came, and I never understood it, until recently....

Opinions not asked for, pictures you wish you could unsee, people you can't stand fronting to save face of what is really going on, the freedom people have to express hate for what you may love, or love for what you may hate, being bashed or bullied for your opinion, seeing a public display of what you wish you had when in fact, THEY DONT EVEN HAVE IT! Celebrities who you once loved turning out to be horrible in real life, popularity contests, "just how rude can I be" contest, or my fav "I'm an asshole" declarations. The "is she/he or is she/he NOT talking about me in this post?" questions that I and im sure others have when people decide that it would be best to air dirty laundry on the internet, and lastly the inability to mind ones business, but then again it is impossible to mind ones own business on social media. OXYMORON

The above isn't a real paragraph, it is the countless amount of things that are starting to take a toll on me when it comes to social media. I don't use Social Media to hide behind when I want to be a hater, or pretend I have what I don't have, so that people will like me, or so that people will get their emotions ruffled because of me. I use it to socialize, post cool pictures of my hair, and laugh.

It has been a month since I have been on Facebook, and honestly I don't miss it. I always take Facebook breaks but this time is different. I literally don't know the next time i'll indulge. I even logged out of Instagram recently for a good three days which is the one social networking place I thought i could never get tired of. I am honestly over it all. You sort of get lost in it all, you become immune to what you know is unacceptable. All I want to do is write my little blogs, be creative, finish school, and get back into my bible daily. I find it hard to completely let go because, well I was a bit addicted, and what the hell will I do when i'm bored? Is what I ask myself.

I say this often but, people are just weird man...........Chinese food weird. 

You literally have to log into SOMETHING just to reach certain people, and folks love using social media as a way to be "Funny acting". I have always been who I am and I don't understand why others just cant be themselves. I envy people who were not slaves to this mess, who are out living life, and every now and then give a glimpse of how good life is, those are the people REALLY living what they portray. The preciousness of moments are taken because it has to recorded or captured. Everyone has essays and dissertations that they love to write regarding others lives but refuse to see self issues. Men are calling women thots for literally just breathing, and the black mans "global" name has been changed from Tyrone to Dumb-ass Daquan. All because someone decided to put it in a picture, and people get off on this stuff, even if they are no one in real life, that one picture getting a million likes is like......an achievement. Everyone is a model, or producer, or rapper, yet lack simple skills, like spelling. And don't get me wrong, I find A LOT of things funny, my sense of humor is off, and sarcastic, and I'm not downing those who are simply having fun and don't take life too seriously, but all of it TOGETHER, has become too much.

I don't want to be so.....reachable, if that is a word, anymore. I want people to have to call me. I want to emerge every now and then and share how God is blessing my life because I give him the time he deserves (although he does that anyway, even without the time) and then disappear again for a few weeks.

I have never been a girl who likes to be told what to do, especially when it comes to the popularity thing, and i feel that society is now doing that by saying you aren't great if you don't have lots of followers and likes. So with that being said, I am Going to take a legit break from it all. Not just Facebook, or instagram on Sundays, and twitter on Mondays. I want to log into me. I've got zillions of passwords I cant even remember anymore. I want to read some good books, get back to creating, get back to my bible, and only check-in when I truly feel the need to. I want things to go back to the days when phone calls, and letters were the only way to reach anyone. I want to go back to the days where I liked celebrities purely for their talent.

Easier said than done though......