Have you ever cried for 5 days straight?

I have......

This morning I was awake but my eyes were still shut, my first thought was how I played a card game called 500 with my grandmother almost every day, and got jealous if someone else sat down to play with us. Now my eyes are open, and I am in tears. 

Yesterday (Sunday the 6th) I ran across a video of my grandma on my aunts page. I cried for a good 20 minutes because it was just a few days before she passed. She didn't really want to eat, we all knew then it was only a matter of time.

Saturday the 5th, I woke to memories of her again, and I cried. I cried seeing all of my family on facebook sharing statuses and photos. I cried after I hung up from talking to my cousin about how she broke the news to her daughter that her best friend was gone. Why should a 6 year old have to endure this kind of pain, and yet she got more life preparation than I did when it comes to death in the family. I knew nothing of it until now. My anxiety was on 1000.

Friday the 4th, I instantly woke up to tears. I cried while getting dressed, and I cried while having breakfast. The first official day without Leana. At work that whole day I was outside of myself. I did not cry, and I faked a smile or two. My co-workers came and hugged me while I helped members on the phone. They don't even know how much I needed that. But I said nothing. I got home, in my comfort zone and cried, for hours.

November 3rd 2016. I cried the hardest that morning. I was ready for work, had gotten myself in a good mood, and then there was the phone call that took my breath away. I cried, called my job and my mother to check on her. After that call I dropped slowly to the floor like a child having a temper tantrum in tears. I laid there awhile and cried my heart out. My next thought was to get up and go check on my auntie who had delivered the news and happened to live right next door. She was fine. From there I arrive to her home where she was still there.....lifeless. It was quiet, nothing but tears and sorrow filled the house. I broke down before I could even make it to her room to see her laying there as a shell, no life in her. One of my aunties in the bed with her hugging her face. That whole day every single one of my family members broke down, and when one was done breaking down, they would build the strength up to hold someone else as they broke down.

The funeral home shows up to take her away, and my brother just barely makes it in the door. He breaks down like I have never seen before, I can remember his tears being so big I could see them fall to the floor. I tried to be strong for him, knowing we weren't on the best of terms, but in my mother's absence it was my job to hold him up. I led him to her room so he could get one more glance of her before she was taken away. I watched men in my family that I haven't seen cry since children be broken down. I watched my whole family gather around that van with my grandmother closed up inside , and they cried even harder. There was no one to hold so many of us up, so we all allowed ourselves to lose it.

After that we cracked jokes and brung up old memories because its not like a Roberson to not crack a joke, even in the saddest moment. It was the roughest day probably of all of our lives and we still found the time to laugh. We laughed in her honor, because she was the funniest, feistiest, loudest, lady alive.

It has been 5 days since my grandmother left this earth and to say that I am devastated is an understatement. Yes I know she was 87 years old, and yes I know that death is natural......but this one, this one is hard to swallow.

Never in my life have I felt a love so unconditional than that of my grandmother, not a selfish bone in her body when it came to me or anyone else. I waited for the day to come when she would no longer be around dreading it, knowing that the kind of love she has for me no one else has outside of Jesus. And only Jesus knows what a blow this is to my family, hell, even to other families.

30 years of life and not one family death. That is 30 years of life taking for granted everyone that I love. Why would God give me so much time to not really grasp the concept of grief, that kind of sheltering isn't healthy. Yet I dare not question what isn't for me to understand.

I've dealt with two deaths this year. One of a dear friend, and the other my whole life..... my grandma. 2016 is a year I want to forget. Some good things have occurred and we always hope that the good outweighs the bad, but in this case, I have nothing left to give to this year. I just want a new one. My goals have changed. All i want is to be a better person so that I can make it to heaven and see my granny again.

Things are different now. I feel like I should be somewhere better, doing something else. Instead of here...... by myself....crying.

To anyone dealing who has dealt with grief that I wasn't so sensitive to, i'm sorry. I  now understand. I never knew such a pain existed, but I pray for strength everyday. Strength for me and my family, and the peace to simply move on.

R.I.H Grandma Leana Roberson

Brian

The World suffered a loss in the past week, even worse then me, because at least I got a chance to know my friend, at least I got the chance to learn him and know what he likes and dislikes, at least I got the chance to learn how big his heart was, but in the end, his big heart wasn't enough for someone else. Someone who thought it was okay to take his life if they couldnt fully have his heart, and their selfishness has left me in grief.....me and so many others.

I cannot get over this, I cannot shake it, some days I barely think about it, and then im awaken to his last minutes playing in my head, even if I wasn't there I have a vision of his last moments, and I am livid, I am angry, I am so hurt. I'm also scared. I'm scared I will lose all my memories of him, i'm scared I will lose another person in my life before I get a chance to finish grieving this loss.

I feel like I am not allowed to smile, yet that is all he would want me to be doing. I feel that how dare I ever again take life so loosely knowing that there is someone who will never get to live again. I feel so sorry for my friend, I hate that he had to die the way that he did, so helpless, in pain. I keep making up scenarios in my head as to what would have happened If I was there that day, or if I had invited him to my house to hang out so he would not have had to be there.

But God has a plan, I don't know it, and I can't say I like it, but what God says goes, and he has his reasons for everything, and maybe......just maybe, heaven needed Brian more than I did. 

The baby of Team Legal, the shadiest of them all, my petty spirit animal who was not afraid to think he was the finest thing walking, and if you didn't think you were beautiful, he would tell you that you were. Brian I miss you so much........I cannot understand this for the life of me. I cannot fix my mouth to say that this was fair. Even a week later I can't shake it. To know I will only see you through still photos, 15 second videos, and my memories simply isn't enough.

Until we meet again my friend, and I hope the rumors arent true, that when you get to heaven you don't remember anyone......I hope right off the back I know who you are, and that we can go back to throwing shade and laughing.

Please come back......

P.S. Shade the bear is doing great. I hug on him everyday. That day at Dave & Buster's I named him after you for fun, we joked that Shade would be your Godchild because you were not getting one from me anytime soon. I had no idea that this stuffed bear would become so sentimental, and if anyone touches shade....I will take them out.

Hey 2016

Well of course I had to blog at least for the New Year!

If you are reading this then you can readily assume that I made it to the new year just as you have. I feel extremely blessed this January 1st. I have a lot to look forward to. Last year I did some new year's resolutions and I met some of them and some I didn't. This year I have just a few, a very small few. 2015 was actually nice to me, it wasn't overly generous but it was nice. It was such a "wait out" year, I had to wait for so many things to take place, so I guess it was a test of my patience. I remember saying 2014 was a year of revelation and understanding, and learning. Once I was done learning and I remember not hating 2014 but being happy to see it go. It isn't the same for 2015, of course I've had my moments because I suffer from some introverted behaviors, but I can say I enjoyed 2015. I took my first trip alone, I got TWO promotions, I had my graduation....all accomplishments for me. I also had some tough moments at the very beginning and near the end but God has saw me through it. I also realized that once I got on my feet people didn't see it for me as much anymore because I have not been able to be the shoulder or helper when I'm too busy trying to do something for myself, a lot of people have switched up on me, and some have surprised me not offering the same support that I have given a million times over. I used to be so TEAM EVERYBODY ELSE, and the minute I became team me people got a little......different. Overall I am okay. I am close to happiness, not quite there but once I realized happiness was up to me I took some steps forward instead of backwards and I can truly say I am officially a grown woman.

BTW

Did I mention I made over 1000 Views??? I mean sure enough my blog has been up and running for almost two years, but I rarely blog, maybe once every few months so that's a big deal to me, especially since my blog started off just to be a diary of some sort. I think its cool, some day a bunch of introverts will run across my blog and understand over all where I was coming from, but now on to my three or four little resolutions for 2016.

1. Stop Complaining: I remember coming home from California and telling a certain someone that they complained too much, now I don't know if it is just the natural spirit of Michiganders to complain or what, but I have most certainly let that spirit jump on me and I am so mad about it. I remember just being so thankful that I wasn't in the same position that I had left so I was very humbled and just didn't understand complaining, I want to get back to that. It made me so much more pleasant.

2. Fight laziness: I want everything to come easy to me. Daily I make jokes with my coworkers that the things I complain about having to do are "First World Problems" Meaning America has it bad complaining about doing the most simple things yet other Countries have to do so much more and would kill to have it that easy. Just little things like walking pass a piece of paper on the floor continuously and never picking it up.....its so dumb, but I can be lazy. I also always have these grand ideas about what I am going to do and then never do them because it takes too much research and too many steps. I don't want to miss any blessings playing around with laziness.

3. Be more positive: I want to look forward to work, look forward to waking up in the morning, to the future, to everything. I had a way more positive outlook on life two years ago, maybe because I was banking on the hope, faith, and prayer that life would get better, and now that it has I'm not even humble about it. I just want God to have the glory when it comes to my life, if it had not been for the lord I don't know where I would be.

4. The all time favorite, get healthy: This is on everyone's list, but for the last few months my health has been questionable, I mean I have always been a sick kid, but I haven't been feeling well a lot, and Anxiety has kicked up so many notches in life I have meds for it! I need some zen, some green tea, some veggies, vitamins, and fruit because something is off. I just want to take better care of myself.

That's about it for me. I just want to keep doing what I have been doing and keep my relationship with God strong, which I have kind of been slacking on. We all fall short I guess, but continue to pray for me if you find the time, and if you are reading and haven't entered your season yet, just know that it comes with time.....all things do.

The Third Year

So......today Marks the 3rd year since I left California. I didn't really reflect the last two years because there was no reason to, I was too busy trying to get myself together to go back to such a negative moment but this year was different.  When I read back the statuses leading up to leaving I realized I was extremely unhappy, and in a not so good place. I remember feeling a whole helluva lot of weight lifted off of my shoulders when I made the decision to leave. I remember being so excited to get back to home, to more of a support system. I felt soooooooooooooo alone in that time, I remember thinking that I really didn't deserve to feel THAT alone, and yet I kind of preferred it. I'd rather be REALLY alone then have people around me and STILL be alone.

Fast forward and......I am in a similar situation, yet so much more prepared, so much more mature, and a bit more established. Its crazy how a little hurt and downfall prepares you for the NEXT time it happens even though you prayed hard to God that you would never have to feel that way again. There is going to be a shift in my life, with just as much in the "Unknown" Department as three years ago, but I've come to terms with it. I've come to terms with the fact that it will ALWAYS be just me and God.

I wish I was happier, I wish I was more confident in my future, truth is i'm not, but I know that with God I'm good over here. I am YEARNING for increase and GOOD change......and I know it starts with me.....I just wish I KNEW where to start. In just two-three months I will be hitting 30 years old. What I asked God for in turning 30 is sort of what I'm getting, but not exactly how I asked for it......such is life I guess.

I feel a little blindsided......I can't understand for the life of me why I have to learn things the hard way when I am such an understanding person, it doesnt take much for me to "Get It". There are people out here living hard and wild, who don't listen and probably never will.....but me......someone who has been a careful Kathy my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.....has to get the life lessons in such a ridiculous way. I hate questioning God because it always makes sense in the end......but in the moment, it just never feels good.

Anyway, three years later I am in another season of change......Lets see how this goes.

Interfering in God's business

I have never been one who didn't know how to mind my business, mostly when it came to being judge-mental about what others had going on in their lives, I know I could easily be where they are, so what they have going on has nothing to do with me, but recently I've learned that I don't mind my business in other ways.

Caring for people and trying to be considerate lately has seemed to get me in trouble, because most times Im showing that i'm trying to be helpful but it really comes off as asking too many questions and worrying about things that dont affect me. I rarely actually say out of my mouth "I'm trying to be helpful" So I thought that maybe my help wasn't coming off as help. If you don't say out of your mouth "How Can I be helpful" and just start "Helping" then it may come off as butting your head into something that no one asked you to butt your head into. Sometimes people simply don't want your help.....period. So Now, I ask the question before I insert myself into what is going on automatically.

Now this is what I thought my lesson was, but I think God has me minding my own business for a reason. My joy is constantly taken from me and as I always say it is because I worry about not just what I have going on, but what others have going on. My mind has not stayed on God and what HE wants me to do. I Have not been focused on my positivity, always worrying about things that don't concern me or that God has already worked out. I have literally been all in God's business. I am constantly offended for other people, upset for other people, sad for other people, AND MYSELF! And I have no joy because of it. I've been trying to get out more often, get some me time in, and do things I love to do, but I can never seem to wholeheartedly enjoy myself.

I have to learn to be happy.....I just have to. I have to know that whatever is for me God is working on and it is none of my business right now. I have to learn that what God is doing in other peoples lives is not always for me to worry about. If I can be a help then God will let me know, but If I don't get the inclination to give myself to someone I simply wont. Not everyone deserves the kind of friend I try to be, and I told God never again would I have someone I truly consider a friend get more benefits from our friendship than me. I know exactly who God has me to be a ram in the bush for, and when they need me I am there, but no more going out of my way for people who may not deserve that or even want that.

It has to be understood that sometimes when you constantly come to peoples rescue you may be interfering with what God is trying to do in their lives. If you are always there to pick someone up when they fall then they will always expect you and continue to fall knowing you will be there, whether it comes to coworkers, friends, or family, or even church family. God has a specific plan for all of us, and you have to know when you are really supposed to help, or get out of Gods business.

I think my lesson has been learned. I got through a tough time in life simply by being hopeful, expecting from God, and positive. I have more than i've probably ever had on my own and can't seem to be as positive, and this is when im supposed to be happiest, and grateful. So back to positive Tia is where I will be going. I cannot worry about things that aren't my business, whether it is other's business, or God's business. My battles are not mine. What I feel I should have God has already given to be whether it is now or a year from now. Sometimes wanting more for others than God has for them right now can be hard to deal with, we are all really and truly supposed to be on earth to give and be there for one another and to love, and if your heart is with God then that is all you want to do....but that is not ALWAYS in the plan just yet, most people have to fall before they get up and do better.

I Wish I had a me for me, but most times I don't. There is no one that goes over and beyond for me, and knowing how that feels I want to make sure people I care about don't have to feel that way, but I am only human and officially focused on what God wants me to be focused on.

I am going to let go and let God.

Introverted Adventures: My Vacay

So..... I know I haven't blogged in ages, I'm well aware of that. I always say i'm going to blog more, and I don't. I wont say that anymore because it is simply too much pressure (lol) but I will say that this experience deserves a blog, and anything that deserves a blog, will get one.

Now on to the real reason we are here.....or I am here, or whoever is reading is here. This week I got a week vacation away from work. I had the vacation planned out for weeks, but this week, this week was just so off. Being an introvert I am so used to being alone, it is of FIRST nature for me. There are millions of reasons I do things alone, and most of them have everything to do with being an introvert, but something about doing this getaway that I am currently on just felt so.......wrong. Upon booking the trip I was excited, just me, myself, and I, hanging out somewhere that isn't at home, but this week I truly asked myself "Is this what you really want?".

I was so anxious this week, on top of the fact that I was sick out of the blue, but literally the day that I left on my way to the train station I had a full on Anxiety attack, noone would have ever known, including me, because of who I am and my ability to remain calm, but I seriously almost yelled out three times to turn around and take me home........ which brings me to realization #1 I have realized that I suffer from anxiety attacks, only from looking up symptoms and realizing I had went through it hundreds of times, only this time was so severe that I needed to figure out what was wrong with me. I knew whatever was wrong with me was rooted in fear. I started to think the worse "What if i get on the train and die" "What if I get there and get more sick" "What if I get robbed of all my money" this may all sound ridiculous but I thought doomsday would come if I left, but I pushed myself, I pushed myself harder than I ever had. 

I have went plenty of places alone, and Im always anxious about it but because it is somewhere simple like, the mall, or to the store, I just thought it was me being my careful cathy self.......but nope, its much more serious, and although I am not fully ready to take claim to anxiety attacks because I have enough going on with me (introverted behavior, awkward black girl behavior, and other things) I am now very sure that it was deeper than fear of going somewhere alone. I wasnt prompted to check into what was going on until I received a phone call that bothered me a little but I had a full on anxiety attack about it.....it literally was not even that serious, and yet my body reacted on its own.

Fast forward. Here I am enjoying myself, everywhere I have went I have gotten there safely, sure I feel a little lonely, wishing I had a friend to experience this cool place with, but I am so relaxed, and I have explored a side of myself that I fear the most, and that is spontaneous me. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that God has given me discernment, so if something doesn't feel right I want to pay attention to that, but the spirit led me to check on why I felt sick and anxious for a reason and I believe he wanted me to know that sometimes I don't do things because he is guiding me not to, but most times it is because I am fearful of it. Anxiety attacks, from what I have read, are deeply rooted in fear and it is a mental thing, although they can occur with no reason, it is always because that fear lives in you. 

Realization #2, I do not trust God enough. I thought that I did, and it is something i tell people all the time, but I am always worried and always careful and always......well introverted, because I live in fear, fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear that walking out the house will end in my dimise, and while it most certainly can, I still cannot control how and when I die, so I have to live while I can. I am not cured......at all, I am still introverted and will always be, but this trip that I forced myself to take shows me my strength, even if I am only maybe 3 hours away from home (which is another reason I knew something was severly wrong with me, I mean who fears a trip that barely leaves home?). If only yall knew how hard I pushed myself, I postponed the trip a day due to sickness but as soon as I did I felt better, which showed me that I was mostly scared.

I really just want to live my life, of course I want to make it past the age of 29 also, but I cannot go through life in the house for fear of dying.I dont even know why I have such a fear of death, maybe because I haven't really been exposed to it. All of my close family is alive and well, right on down to my 86 year old grandmother. I have a great understanding that life is not promised, so much so that everyday I fear leaving home, but i just can't do this anymore. its like the more I pushed myself to do this, the more scared I got, and I still won't feel all the way comfortable until I am back home, but this is a great start, this is a great epiphany! 

My next post will be pictures of my trip and a few of the things I did, just because I feel that this should be documented.......the first time in my life I took a trip alone, and the destination had not one soul that I knew. 

Now if I could just apply this same push to other parts of my life, like my career (which I am fully struggling with right now because my heart does not want to be where I am, but my mind is not ready to move) and love (which I have yet to even experience outside of Christ and Family).....I think I would finally be normal..... People don't realize that what may seem so simple in their life, something that everyone has, someone else finds to be not normal. There are so many things that normal people experience that I have yet to know anything about, and I guess that's okay, because that's what makes me different, but there aint NOTHING wrong with normal. I crave normal.

Loss......and lost

Isn't it funny, I went from a post about winning, to a post about losing. Introvert Indeed.

LOSS......


Isnt it crazy how you can be so used to losses that you are always prepared for one, and no matter how much you prepare youself for a loss, it still hits you where it hurts, and then eventually adds a brick to the wall you have been building up.

God has blessed me to come very far, but I consistently seem to prepare myself for the worst. When I first started my job, I literally gave myself four months to find something else because I did not believe in myself enough to be able to keep the job, in my mind, anything could happen, the worst could happen. Here I am nine months later, preparing to take a trip once receiving my first 40 hour paid time off because in just three months I will have been there a YEAR. Even with that coming near I still always prepare for what may never even come. I am such a careful Cathy, and to be quite honest im a scary cat. That uncertainty has kept me so stagnant. 

Being Careful.....

I am so talented, so smart, and I know for a fact if I wholeheartedly went after something I would have it. I just........ I can't let this wall of disappointment down, this expectation for the worst, because it hurts soooooo much more when you aren't a realist. I recently changed my daily prayer, I pray for wisdom, everyday going into my job I pray for wisdom, I pray that if my name comes up when i'm not around God gives me favor. I've watched people who have been on that job for years and who seemed to have it all together just lose it all, and me, nor the person, or the people I work with saw it coming. life is just too unexpected for me to be so free-spirited. Being the cautious person that I am will probably never be a complete free-spirit. I will always want to be prepared, always want to be cautious and use my common sense, but my goodness, I need to free myself enough to enjoy life, enjoy where I am in life, and just be content.

A loss is a Loss, it still hurts.

You have to understand what I have been through and watched others go through. I often discredit myself from the things i've seen happen and how it has affected me. I watched someone I care about lose damn near EVERYTHING, and I just so happened to live with them, so when they lost, I lost too, but because they lost harder, i decided not to complain, or worry about my own hurt, but it affected me, and it taught me not to attach myself to ANYTHING. I try not to even attach myself to immediate family, knowing at an instant they could be gone........ I think my biggest loss so far has been my relationship with my dad. He is a ghost to me, that shows up every now and then to let me know I had another parent, do you know I recently had a graduation that my father DROPPED MY SISTER OFF TO BUT DID NOT ATTEND??? Can imagine how hurtful that was to me? For him to not think enough of me to at least see me walk across the stage and THEN LEAVE? Man....... That was a hard one. We were so much closer than that, it killed me......straight up killed me. I've lost friendships, and then gained them back only to truly never feel the same. I have lost having my own space, and now that I have that back I treasure it, but the wall tells me it could leave at any second. 

LOST.......

I have gained some things too, awareness, relationship with God, maturity, but when you have so many loses, how can you POSSIBLY care about what you have gained?

God help me.

I am so in my flesh lately, back to back depression from never really dealing with my losses, there are up days, but when the down days come they are so down. I have little to complain about and the crazy part is that i'm not alone, people I thought were chilling and living life, suddenly making post about depression and not being okay, and yet.... I feel like the only girl in the world feeling how I feel. No REAL or PRESENT worries.........but that wall.

That wall......