Brian

The World suffered a loss in the past week, even worse then me, because at least I got a chance to know my friend, at least I got the chance to learn him and know what he likes and dislikes, at least I got the chance to learn how big his heart was, but in the end, his big heart wasn't enough for someone else. Someone who thought it was okay to take his life if they couldnt fully have his heart, and their selfishness has left me in grief.....me and so many others.

I cannot get over this, I cannot shake it, some days I barely think about it, and then im awaken to his last minutes playing in my head, even if I wasn't there I have a vision of his last moments, and I am livid, I am angry, I am so hurt. I'm also scared. I'm scared I will lose all my memories of him, i'm scared I will lose another person in my life before I get a chance to finish grieving this loss.

I feel like I am not allowed to smile, yet that is all he would want me to be doing. I feel that how dare I ever again take life so loosely knowing that there is someone who will never get to live again. I feel so sorry for my friend, I hate that he had to die the way that he did, so helpless, in pain. I keep making up scenarios in my head as to what would have happened If I was there that day, or if I had invited him to my house to hang out so he would not have had to be there.

But God has a plan, I don't know it, and I can't say I like it, but what God says goes, and he has his reasons for everything, and maybe......just maybe, heaven needed Brian more than I did. 

The baby of Team Legal, the shadiest of them all, my petty spirit animal who was not afraid to think he was the finest thing walking, and if you didn't think you were beautiful, he would tell you that you were. Brian I miss you so much........I cannot understand this for the life of me. I cannot fix my mouth to say that this was fair. Even a week later I can't shake it. To know I will only see you through still photos, 15 second videos, and my memories simply isn't enough.

Until we meet again my friend, and I hope the rumors arent true, that when you get to heaven you don't remember anyone......I hope right off the back I know who you are, and that we can go back to throwing shade and laughing.

Please come back......

P.S. Shade the bear is doing great. I hug on him everyday. That day at Dave & Buster's I named him after you for fun, we joked that Shade would be your Godchild because you were not getting one from me anytime soon. I had no idea that this stuffed bear would become so sentimental, and if anyone touches shade....I will take them out.

Hey 2016

Well of course I had to blog at least for the New Year!

If you are reading this then you can readily assume that I made it to the new year just as you have. I feel extremely blessed this January 1st. I have a lot to look forward to. Last year I did some new year's resolutions and I met some of them and some I didn't. This year I have just a few, a very small few. 2015 was actually nice to me, it wasn't overly generous but it was nice. It was such a "wait out" year, I had to wait for so many things to take place, so I guess it was a test of my patience. I remember saying 2014 was a year of revelation and understanding, and learning. Once I was done learning and I remember not hating 2014 but being happy to see it go. It isn't the same for 2015, of course I've had my moments because I suffer from some introverted behaviors, but I can say I enjoyed 2015. I took my first trip alone, I got TWO promotions, I had my graduation....all accomplishments for me. I also had some tough moments at the very beginning and near the end but God has saw me through it. I also realized that once I got on my feet people didn't see it for me as much anymore because I have not been able to be the shoulder or helper when I'm too busy trying to do something for myself, a lot of people have switched up on me, and some have surprised me not offering the same support that I have given a million times over. I used to be so TEAM EVERYBODY ELSE, and the minute I became team me people got a little......different. Overall I am okay. I am close to happiness, not quite there but once I realized happiness was up to me I took some steps forward instead of backwards and I can truly say I am officially a grown woman.

BTW

Did I mention I made over 1000 Views??? I mean sure enough my blog has been up and running for almost two years, but I rarely blog, maybe once every few months so that's a big deal to me, especially since my blog started off just to be a diary of some sort. I think its cool, some day a bunch of introverts will run across my blog and understand over all where I was coming from, but now on to my three or four little resolutions for 2016.

1. Stop Complaining: I remember coming home from California and telling a certain someone that they complained too much, now I don't know if it is just the natural spirit of Michiganders to complain or what, but I have most certainly let that spirit jump on me and I am so mad about it. I remember just being so thankful that I wasn't in the same position that I had left so I was very humbled and just didn't understand complaining, I want to get back to that. It made me so much more pleasant.

2. Fight laziness: I want everything to come easy to me. Daily I make jokes with my coworkers that the things I complain about having to do are "First World Problems" Meaning America has it bad complaining about doing the most simple things yet other Countries have to do so much more and would kill to have it that easy. Just little things like walking pass a piece of paper on the floor continuously and never picking it up.....its so dumb, but I can be lazy. I also always have these grand ideas about what I am going to do and then never do them because it takes too much research and too many steps. I don't want to miss any blessings playing around with laziness.

3. Be more positive: I want to look forward to work, look forward to waking up in the morning, to the future, to everything. I had a way more positive outlook on life two years ago, maybe because I was banking on the hope, faith, and prayer that life would get better, and now that it has I'm not even humble about it. I just want God to have the glory when it comes to my life, if it had not been for the lord I don't know where I would be.

4. The all time favorite, get healthy: This is on everyone's list, but for the last few months my health has been questionable, I mean I have always been a sick kid, but I haven't been feeling well a lot, and Anxiety has kicked up so many notches in life I have meds for it! I need some zen, some green tea, some veggies, vitamins, and fruit because something is off. I just want to take better care of myself.

That's about it for me. I just want to keep doing what I have been doing and keep my relationship with God strong, which I have kind of been slacking on. We all fall short I guess, but continue to pray for me if you find the time, and if you are reading and haven't entered your season yet, just know that it comes with time.....all things do.

The Third Year

So......today Marks the 3rd year since I left California. I didn't really reflect the last two years because there was no reason to, I was too busy trying to get myself together to go back to such a negative moment but this year was different.  When I read back the statuses leading up to leaving I realized I was extremely unhappy, and in a not so good place. I remember feeling a whole helluva lot of weight lifted off of my shoulders when I made the decision to leave. I remember being so excited to get back to home, to more of a support system. I felt soooooooooooooo alone in that time, I remember thinking that I really didn't deserve to feel THAT alone, and yet I kind of preferred it. I'd rather be REALLY alone then have people around me and STILL be alone.

Fast forward and......I am in a similar situation, yet so much more prepared, so much more mature, and a bit more established. Its crazy how a little hurt and downfall prepares you for the NEXT time it happens even though you prayed hard to God that you would never have to feel that way again. There is going to be a shift in my life, with just as much in the "Unknown" Department as three years ago, but I've come to terms with it. I've come to terms with the fact that it will ALWAYS be just me and God.

I wish I was happier, I wish I was more confident in my future, truth is i'm not, but I know that with God I'm good over here. I am YEARNING for increase and GOOD change......and I know it starts with me.....I just wish I KNEW where to start. In just two-three months I will be hitting 30 years old. What I asked God for in turning 30 is sort of what I'm getting, but not exactly how I asked for it......such is life I guess.

I feel a little blindsided......I can't understand for the life of me why I have to learn things the hard way when I am such an understanding person, it doesnt take much for me to "Get It". There are people out here living hard and wild, who don't listen and probably never will.....but me......someone who has been a careful Kathy my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.....has to get the life lessons in such a ridiculous way. I hate questioning God because it always makes sense in the end......but in the moment, it just never feels good.

Anyway, three years later I am in another season of change......Lets see how this goes.

Interfering in God's business

I have never been one who didn't know how to mind my business, mostly when it came to being judge-mental about what others had going on in their lives, I know I could easily be where they are, so what they have going on has nothing to do with me, but recently I've learned that I don't mind my business in other ways.

Caring for people and trying to be considerate lately has seemed to get me in trouble, because most times Im showing that i'm trying to be helpful but it really comes off as asking too many questions and worrying about things that dont affect me. I rarely actually say out of my mouth "I'm trying to be helpful" So I thought that maybe my help wasn't coming off as help. If you don't say out of your mouth "How Can I be helpful" and just start "Helping" then it may come off as butting your head into something that no one asked you to butt your head into. Sometimes people simply don't want your help.....period. So Now, I ask the question before I insert myself into what is going on automatically.

Now this is what I thought my lesson was, but I think God has me minding my own business for a reason. My joy is constantly taken from me and as I always say it is because I worry about not just what I have going on, but what others have going on. My mind has not stayed on God and what HE wants me to do. I Have not been focused on my positivity, always worrying about things that don't concern me or that God has already worked out. I have literally been all in God's business. I am constantly offended for other people, upset for other people, sad for other people, AND MYSELF! And I have no joy because of it. I've been trying to get out more often, get some me time in, and do things I love to do, but I can never seem to wholeheartedly enjoy myself.

I have to learn to be happy.....I just have to. I have to know that whatever is for me God is working on and it is none of my business right now. I have to learn that what God is doing in other peoples lives is not always for me to worry about. If I can be a help then God will let me know, but If I don't get the inclination to give myself to someone I simply wont. Not everyone deserves the kind of friend I try to be, and I told God never again would I have someone I truly consider a friend get more benefits from our friendship than me. I know exactly who God has me to be a ram in the bush for, and when they need me I am there, but no more going out of my way for people who may not deserve that or even want that.

It has to be understood that sometimes when you constantly come to peoples rescue you may be interfering with what God is trying to do in their lives. If you are always there to pick someone up when they fall then they will always expect you and continue to fall knowing you will be there, whether it comes to coworkers, friends, or family, or even church family. God has a specific plan for all of us, and you have to know when you are really supposed to help, or get out of Gods business.

I think my lesson has been learned. I got through a tough time in life simply by being hopeful, expecting from God, and positive. I have more than i've probably ever had on my own and can't seem to be as positive, and this is when im supposed to be happiest, and grateful. So back to positive Tia is where I will be going. I cannot worry about things that aren't my business, whether it is other's business, or God's business. My battles are not mine. What I feel I should have God has already given to be whether it is now or a year from now. Sometimes wanting more for others than God has for them right now can be hard to deal with, we are all really and truly supposed to be on earth to give and be there for one another and to love, and if your heart is with God then that is all you want to do....but that is not ALWAYS in the plan just yet, most people have to fall before they get up and do better.

I Wish I had a me for me, but most times I don't. There is no one that goes over and beyond for me, and knowing how that feels I want to make sure people I care about don't have to feel that way, but I am only human and officially focused on what God wants me to be focused on.

I am going to let go and let God.

Introverted Adventures: My Vacay

So..... I know I haven't blogged in ages, I'm well aware of that. I always say i'm going to blog more, and I don't. I wont say that anymore because it is simply too much pressure (lol) but I will say that this experience deserves a blog, and anything that deserves a blog, will get one.

Now on to the real reason we are here.....or I am here, or whoever is reading is here. This week I got a week vacation away from work. I had the vacation planned out for weeks, but this week, this week was just so off. Being an introvert I am so used to being alone, it is of FIRST nature for me. There are millions of reasons I do things alone, and most of them have everything to do with being an introvert, but something about doing this getaway that I am currently on just felt so.......wrong. Upon booking the trip I was excited, just me, myself, and I, hanging out somewhere that isn't at home, but this week I truly asked myself "Is this what you really want?".

I was so anxious this week, on top of the fact that I was sick out of the blue, but literally the day that I left on my way to the train station I had a full on Anxiety attack, noone would have ever known, including me, because of who I am and my ability to remain calm, but I seriously almost yelled out three times to turn around and take me home........ which brings me to realization #1 I have realized that I suffer from anxiety attacks, only from looking up symptoms and realizing I had went through it hundreds of times, only this time was so severe that I needed to figure out what was wrong with me. I knew whatever was wrong with me was rooted in fear. I started to think the worse "What if i get on the train and die" "What if I get there and get more sick" "What if I get robbed of all my money" this may all sound ridiculous but I thought doomsday would come if I left, but I pushed myself, I pushed myself harder than I ever had. 

I have went plenty of places alone, and Im always anxious about it but because it is somewhere simple like, the mall, or to the store, I just thought it was me being my careful cathy self.......but nope, its much more serious, and although I am not fully ready to take claim to anxiety attacks because I have enough going on with me (introverted behavior, awkward black girl behavior, and other things) I am now very sure that it was deeper than fear of going somewhere alone. I wasnt prompted to check into what was going on until I received a phone call that bothered me a little but I had a full on anxiety attack about it.....it literally was not even that serious, and yet my body reacted on its own.

Fast forward. Here I am enjoying myself, everywhere I have went I have gotten there safely, sure I feel a little lonely, wishing I had a friend to experience this cool place with, but I am so relaxed, and I have explored a side of myself that I fear the most, and that is spontaneous me. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that God has given me discernment, so if something doesn't feel right I want to pay attention to that, but the spirit led me to check on why I felt sick and anxious for a reason and I believe he wanted me to know that sometimes I don't do things because he is guiding me not to, but most times it is because I am fearful of it. Anxiety attacks, from what I have read, are deeply rooted in fear and it is a mental thing, although they can occur with no reason, it is always because that fear lives in you. 

Realization #2, I do not trust God enough. I thought that I did, and it is something i tell people all the time, but I am always worried and always careful and always......well introverted, because I live in fear, fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear that walking out the house will end in my dimise, and while it most certainly can, I still cannot control how and when I die, so I have to live while I can. I am not cured......at all, I am still introverted and will always be, but this trip that I forced myself to take shows me my strength, even if I am only maybe 3 hours away from home (which is another reason I knew something was severly wrong with me, I mean who fears a trip that barely leaves home?). If only yall knew how hard I pushed myself, I postponed the trip a day due to sickness but as soon as I did I felt better, which showed me that I was mostly scared.

I really just want to live my life, of course I want to make it past the age of 29 also, but I cannot go through life in the house for fear of dying.I dont even know why I have such a fear of death, maybe because I haven't really been exposed to it. All of my close family is alive and well, right on down to my 86 year old grandmother. I have a great understanding that life is not promised, so much so that everyday I fear leaving home, but i just can't do this anymore. its like the more I pushed myself to do this, the more scared I got, and I still won't feel all the way comfortable until I am back home, but this is a great start, this is a great epiphany! 

My next post will be pictures of my trip and a few of the things I did, just because I feel that this should be documented.......the first time in my life I took a trip alone, and the destination had not one soul that I knew. 

Now if I could just apply this same push to other parts of my life, like my career (which I am fully struggling with right now because my heart does not want to be where I am, but my mind is not ready to move) and love (which I have yet to even experience outside of Christ and Family).....I think I would finally be normal..... People don't realize that what may seem so simple in their life, something that everyone has, someone else finds to be not normal. There are so many things that normal people experience that I have yet to know anything about, and I guess that's okay, because that's what makes me different, but there aint NOTHING wrong with normal. I crave normal.

Loss......and lost

Isn't it funny, I went from a post about winning, to a post about losing. Introvert Indeed.

LOSS......


Isnt it crazy how you can be so used to losses that you are always prepared for one, and no matter how much you prepare youself for a loss, it still hits you where it hurts, and then eventually adds a brick to the wall you have been building up.

God has blessed me to come very far, but I consistently seem to prepare myself for the worst. When I first started my job, I literally gave myself four months to find something else because I did not believe in myself enough to be able to keep the job, in my mind, anything could happen, the worst could happen. Here I am nine months later, preparing to take a trip once receiving my first 40 hour paid time off because in just three months I will have been there a YEAR. Even with that coming near I still always prepare for what may never even come. I am such a careful Cathy, and to be quite honest im a scary cat. That uncertainty has kept me so stagnant. 

Being Careful.....

I am so talented, so smart, and I know for a fact if I wholeheartedly went after something I would have it. I just........ I can't let this wall of disappointment down, this expectation for the worst, because it hurts soooooo much more when you aren't a realist. I recently changed my daily prayer, I pray for wisdom, everyday going into my job I pray for wisdom, I pray that if my name comes up when i'm not around God gives me favor. I've watched people who have been on that job for years and who seemed to have it all together just lose it all, and me, nor the person, or the people I work with saw it coming. life is just too unexpected for me to be so free-spirited. Being the cautious person that I am will probably never be a complete free-spirit. I will always want to be prepared, always want to be cautious and use my common sense, but my goodness, I need to free myself enough to enjoy life, enjoy where I am in life, and just be content.

A loss is a Loss, it still hurts.

You have to understand what I have been through and watched others go through. I often discredit myself from the things i've seen happen and how it has affected me. I watched someone I care about lose damn near EVERYTHING, and I just so happened to live with them, so when they lost, I lost too, but because they lost harder, i decided not to complain, or worry about my own hurt, but it affected me, and it taught me not to attach myself to ANYTHING. I try not to even attach myself to immediate family, knowing at an instant they could be gone........ I think my biggest loss so far has been my relationship with my dad. He is a ghost to me, that shows up every now and then to let me know I had another parent, do you know I recently had a graduation that my father DROPPED MY SISTER OFF TO BUT DID NOT ATTEND??? Can imagine how hurtful that was to me? For him to not think enough of me to at least see me walk across the stage and THEN LEAVE? Man....... That was a hard one. We were so much closer than that, it killed me......straight up killed me. I've lost friendships, and then gained them back only to truly never feel the same. I have lost having my own space, and now that I have that back I treasure it, but the wall tells me it could leave at any second. 

LOST.......

I have gained some things too, awareness, relationship with God, maturity, but when you have so many loses, how can you POSSIBLY care about what you have gained?

God help me.

I am so in my flesh lately, back to back depression from never really dealing with my losses, there are up days, but when the down days come they are so down. I have little to complain about and the crazy part is that i'm not alone, people I thought were chilling and living life, suddenly making post about depression and not being okay, and yet.... I feel like the only girl in the world feeling how I feel. No REAL or PRESENT worries.........but that wall.

That wall......

Winning Attitude

Why Don't I think like a winner?

One of the most common things I have found myself saying lately is that I never win anything so why try. Although the phrase specifically applied to a contest or game of some sort, I find it to be the make-up of what I think about myself. I do not find myself to be a winner in life. I have ran into so many people who just.....win, and it annoyed me. I didn't get it. What is it about me that doesn't scream winner? Now I realize I don't even think like a winner, how can you be something that you dont feel you are.

For weeks now I had planned on making a post like this, but it was just more about encouraging myself so that I can win more, and to trust God to make me a winner......today I find that it is much deeper than that.

I found myself on a podcast for Joyce Meyers entitled Self-Pity and I wanted to reject the whole message, this showed me that I really do live in self-pity most days. There are alot of messages I can take on, and say hallelujah, and agree....but this one.....man. I forced myself to listen. Alot of the message was about turning my pity from myself to compassion for others. but the biggest part of the message was about looking at where I could be without anything that I have now.

I am always thinking of what I don't have. Yes I feel every now and then that i'm blessed but I always feel that i'm lacking, and I felt entitled to that feeling, which is why I wanted to reject the self-pity message. I never feel like i'm winning in life, two steps forward three steps back is how I always feel. 

Looking back to a year ago

Last year 2014, I had no job, and couldn't find one to save my life. I expected money to come in that the IRS went ahead and took because I owed them the money, so I was so depressed and discouraged after that. I was in school and was getting to know people who are now some of my best friends, but I didn't know them then, so I was skeptical. I was living somewhere i HATED with all my heart, and in that living space, I did not even have my own space. I felt extremely alone, and I was struggling with having to depend on people.

Fast-forward to right now. I am working, and although it is not a job that I went to school for it is still a job with alot of transferable skills. I have finished school and actually have graduation next month. I also finished with the best grades of my whole life. I have recently moved and have my own space, it may not be my own place. but I am back to having a space I can call mine. I am able to keep my phone bill paid, help pay rent, and buy things that I like (because God knows I love to shop). I am going on 8 months in my new job when I thought I wouldnt make it past three months. I am now not in a situation where if something goes wrong I cannot do anything about it. I don't have to depend on anyone but God because i've learned that really depending on people is just depending on him because he sends who he needs to send to your rescue.

I should be ashamed of myself for feeling so much self-pity. From where I was to where I am. I think its because when you plan your life and it doesnt go as planned you feel like you have failed, but really you've been elevated many times, just not how you wanted. If I allowed God to plan my life more often and just went with it I would probably be happier. I'd have more peace, I would be okay with not having control.

I Declare April the month of the Winner!

A few months back God kept putting April in my spirit for whatever reason. I was looking for somethings to change, and I still am, and I felt that God kept telling me I would have to wait until April. I looked up the biblical meaning of April and I was getting alot of "New Year" and "New beginning" Everywhere I looked. So paired with the newness of whatever God has coming my way, I am declaring April the start of a winning attitude. I will have faith that God can and will make me a winner in anything I tackle. Down to a simple contest entry or scratch off ticket lol. I want to start making myself feel like the winner I actually am. I am putting all my confidence in God and letting go of self-pity. There are alot of new things I will be doing that I have decided will be best, and then there are the new things i'm expecting God to bring that I honestly know nothing about. I am believing in April because God would not put that in me for nothing. My goal is to get through April and take my winning attitude through life.

So if you see i've won millions or got a new job, or promoted or something, don't be surprised, just chalk it up to me being a "Born again Winner". I am going to pray myself into this month so hard it is not even funny. I will be back with an update. It may be a drastic update, or a simple one, but its coming.

I encourage any readers so really meditate on where you were vs. where you are. If you are in a worse place now then you were a year ago then you are in a test and this message isn't for you right now, but if you are in a better space than last year, declare yourself a winner too, understand that you are winning, because no matter how small the win.....a win is still a win.